Post # 1
I haven’t written recently because I thought a break from WB might help me not fret about waiting so much, but it wasn’t as helpful as I might have hoped. I’ve been doing reasonably well with not bringing it up with my boyfriend but that doesn’t mean it’s not dominating my thoughts, and that’s what’s bothering me. I’ve been (unknowingly) doing Mr. Bee’s plan for the past year and a half: I moved away to attend law school and we’re now in in a LDR, so I’m obviously already doing things like seeing friends, going to the gym, etc. without him. I’m in school full time, writing an article for a law review, and looking for a summer job, so I have plenty of things to occupy my time. It’s my thoughts that are the problem– I can’t shake the fear that it’s never going to happen, that somehow things won’t work out, and that until I get the ring on my finger I can’t rest. The rational part of me recognizes how insane this is, and he’s given me no reason to feel like this. He’s reassuring and sweet, so I’m pretty sure these fears are unfounded. But I don’t know what to do when I’m already doing the steps that are supposed to help (having my own life, pursuing a degree, seeing friends, taking care of myself)?
Background: We’re 27 and we’ve been dating for over two years. He’s working full-time as an attorney. We have an approximate timeline of any time between now and June for a proposal, but it’s not going to be any time soon because I know for a fact that he doesn’t have a ring (money’s been tight). I know that June isn’t terribly far away and I just need to suck it up but I’m worried I’m going to get progressively crazier between now and then and he won’t even want to do it (I read Miss Octopus’ post where she asked hypothetically why someone would want to marry someone who yells, cries, and throws things. I haven’t yelled yet, but I have absolutely cried in front of him over this. More than once).
Sorry for the long rant…thanks so much for reading bees!
Post # 3
You can do it! Just keep being patient, if yall have already talked about it and have a timeline set out together, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about, other than wanting sparkly on your finger right away! Since you know money is tight, have you looked into diamond alternatives? My dream ring is a moissanite from Moissaniteco.com and it’s $840 for the ering and $1167 for the set.. not too bad at all! If you are set on a diamond, then are there any options as far as a payment plan?
I totally feel for you… waiting is a pain in the a$$. I wish I knew some jedi mind tricks to help you think of something else…
Post # 4
@AmyDee: Ha! Jedi mind tricks are a perfect way to describe what I’m looking for. As for the ring, he wants to do that entirely on his own, so we don’t talk about budget, size, alternatives, etc. He knows what style I like because I’ve cooed over other people’s rings, but beyond that, he wants the ring to be solely his territory. I’m OK with that, except that it means I’m completely in the dark about what the process of getting a ring will entail.
Post # 5
Don’t feel bad about crying about it in front of him. Before my Fiance proposed I had two times where I cried about it. He understood my frustration with waiting, but he kept reassuring me that he was committed and the waiting wasn’t a sign that he wasn’t 100% committed, he just needed time to make it happen the way he wanted to. I was ‘waiting’ for well over a year before he actually proposed, so I know how bad it gets when your mind is constantly running about it. We’ve been together over 7 years total.
Just keep doing what you are doing and if you love him, have faith in him and prepare yourself to wait until the time is right for both of you. My Fiance insisted I would have nothing to do with the ring process as well, so I never had any indication of when it would happen. I had to constantly remind myself that the engagement and ring was obviously important to him and that it was important for it to be special since it was ‘his’ thing, so i had to just wait until he had all his ducks in a row before we got engaged.
Post # 6
I had a case of the crazies over this. Don’t worry, in your relationship there will be a lot of crazy moments that hopefully happen behind closed doors that will remain just between the two of you (part of that whole trust thing). And the more it happens, the more ‘even’ it gets so you really don’t judge each other. He should be there for you during your time of need (crazy) as you will be there for him when he’s acting up.
Post # 7
Thanks guys! It helps to know there are people who can empathize!
Post # 8
You can do it. And then you can look back and laugh. (Or secretly cry with the rest of us over the torture of the wait. lol.)
Post # 9
I know exactly what you’re going through. I was having “one of those days” yesterday, and so it was fortunate that I found this WeddingBee board yesterday, b/c I practically spilled my guts on here yesterday PM.
You are so fortunate that he has told you that he is fully committed to you and that y’all have set a projected timeline! I think your anxiety is either over (1) wanting to have the “permission” to move forward on planning the wedding, and/or (2) if your man is anything like mine, you’re scared that he’ll inadvertently let time go by and never give it a second thought unless you bring it up again.
If HE has talked about a timeline of June-ish, then that tells me that he’s decided that you’re the girl for him and that he’s working towards the “goal” with a projected “completion” date in mind. So if this is the case, then don’t fret, don’t let it tear you up inside, and just enjoy the time that you get to spend with him or talk to him.
(I can also emphathize with your situation b/c, like you, I’ve been through law school, and my SO and I are in a Monday-Friday LDR too.)
Another suggestion is to take my last suggestion (of enjoying the time you have with him and not mentioning it) and do it in smaller more manageable chunks. Specifically, try to do the Christmas Challenge with us. I am committed to not bringing up the subject of marriage/engagement for 2 months. If I were in your shoes, I’m not sure I could go ahead and commit to til June, but just try 2 months to start.
Although the Christmas Challenge will be hard, I realized last night this THIS BOARD is my source for having my occasional mental breakdowns on the subject. I hate to discuss it with my friends b/c I know they don’t want to to hear it. So if you’re having a mental breakdown like I was yesterday, come vent here!
Good luck to you!
Post # 10
I totally feel your pain. We, too, are in an LDR because I’m studying, and I can very much relate to you. . .even down to the timeline.
I’ve never thrown anything, but boy have I yelled and cried. A few weeks ago, I had rotations at the hospital with a crazy 12 hours on, 24 hours off schedule that completely threw off my sleep schedule. We had planned to talk on his lunch break so I could then take a nap before going to the hospital and working an overnight shift. He called me, said he was heating his food, and he’d call me back in 2 minutes. Well, as an hour went by, I became more and more irritated, and when he didn’t pick up his phone when I tried calling, I could have screamed!
He called me an hour after he said he would and appologized because a client had come in to see him. I totally blew a fuse and yelled at him over the phone all while sobbing hysterically. I explained to him how he ruined my nap, I was exhausted and no longer wanted to talk to him on while he was eating his lunch. He begged me to talk to him and when I asked him why, he said (in a very sweet voice), “Because I want to talk to you.” He later told me that he knew how upset I was and that I wouldn’t be able to nap if I was all worked up.
I definitely don’t hold back when it comes to letting him know how I feel, and he admittingly tells me he loves and I’m still his future wife. . .even though I sometimes over-react and cry or yell. You know you are loved when someone knows your faults and loves you anyway.
Something that has REALLY been helpful lately is the committment ring SO gave me for our one year anniversary. I know that it sounds incredibly juvenile (I’m 25 and he’s 34), but he wanted me to have something I could have and wear that would remind me of him and our relationship and would remind me that he’s always there for me even though we’re far apart. It’s also reminds methat everything he and I have talked about will in fact become a reality.