- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Ok bees I’m feeling a tad lonely today.
Let me start off by saying I’ve never really had friends. When I was in school I had people I sat with or talked to but when it came to actually hanging out outside of school it just never happened. I was never invited out and when I tried to invite people it was like one of those scenes out of a bad TV show where a kid has a whole birthday party set up and no one shows (that happened to me so many times that I haven’t celebrated my birthday since I was 13).
Now when I try to get together with people they are all for hanging out for like a month and then they stop talking to me without saying why. Like back in January I was very very close friends with a girl I had known since we were both little. But randomly in January she just stopped responding to anything I had to say. No responds to texts, phone calls, facebook messages, everything. Now I have no idea what I did to piss her off because she wont tell me. I honestly think she just used me (because I have a reputation for spoiling people) for Christmas presents that she wanted (and i bought) and then when Christmas was over she had no use for me anymore.
And that’s how is ALWAYS works. People come out of the woodwork whenever they are down on their luck and want money and honestly I am so desperate for friends I will happily give them whatever they need. One girl I bought EVERYTHING she needed for her first baby’s first two years of life. I mean EVERYTHING. Now she has screwed me out of $200.00 (I posted about the bride who used my bridesmaid dress money toward her own dress and kicked me out of the wedding).
Right now I have two people I call real friends. One works graveyard so right now is sleeping and is also married and apparently when you get married friends go out the window. The other lives an hour away and works a lot and has a bf that lives here so all her free time is with said bf or spent on double dates with me and Fiance (about once every 3 months or so).
Today I went to the gym in the morning, went to work until 2 and am now sitting at home. I want to go swimming but I don’t like going by myself (safety reasons and I feel kindof lame). Fiance is two hours away doing I don’t know what because he was bored and took off right when I got off work.
I’m just so tired of spending my days alone. I don’t understand why I am good enough to buy people things but not good enough just to go swimming with. I really wouldl ike to know what I do to these people to make them just up and stop talking to me or to never have associated with me outside of places that HAVE to in the first place.
I have one girl I takl to regularly at work, we have some of the same days off and when I suggested hanging out shejust said “Yeah I don’t think so.” Now I could understand not wanting to be too close with work people or her not really liking me all that much, but I never get a damn reason.
God I’m sorry this is getting so long, I’ll stop now. I am just sitting here crying because I know the only person I have is my Fiance. Not even my sisters (and I have 3) will hang out with me. I make plans and they ALWAYS bail to go to the dunes or out drinking. I’d like to go to the dunes or to a club DAMMIT! I appreciate having my Fiance, but honestly I need more people to talk to because he isn’t around 24/7 and my happiness shouldn’t solely rest on him.
I know so manyof you will say get a hobby and I have them. I craft, I write, I go to the gym, I go running, I do roller derby, I do a lot of things but it doesn’t help knowing that I am always doing them alone (I know at roller derby I have a team but none of them hang out with me either, I am never invited when the team goes out). Am I really THAT horrible? Do I smell or something? Jeez someone tell me please so I can fix it.