(Closed) So tired of waiting. How much longer should I wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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blondelollipop3 :  I hope it happens for you this weekend.  I have a strong feeling he’s just going to tell you that you “ruined the proposal” again in an effort to shut you up.  Please take care of yourself.

Post # 47
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

I’m not sure why this is even a question anymore. Your boyfriend has made it very clear that not only does he have no intentions of marrying you, but he also doesn’t want you. Also, I think whether or not you two have a kid together is irrelevant. For some illogical reason, people assume that just because two people have a child together means they should be married? That simply isn’t true. Having an unplanned child has literally NO correlation with whether or not a couple should be married. That’s like saying that because you own a house together, or a pet, etc. You making the decision to share a usually marriage specific thing with your partner does not, by default, mean you should be married. And I bet he knows this. I bet he knows you assume marriage is the right choice and he doesn’t agree. He also likely believes if you doesn’t propose you won’t leave because you’re not in a position to and completely dependent on him. He’s made it clear that he does not want to marry you. The question is what you’ll do about it? The sooner you see reality of the situation and not simply what you want to see, the better. 

Post # 48
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee

At this point, I’d just propose to him. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to do it, not so much because he doesn’t love you or care, but more so because you two are living the married like already. He probably doesn’t see it as necessary. 

I think throwing the relationship away would be a mistake, if you two are doing well except for this one issue. Just propose to him. He could ask your dad’s permission after as well. 

Post # 49
Member
2740 posts
Sugar bee

OP–I hope for your sake and that of your daughter that the mani is a prelude to finally getting him to propose, but from my vantage point I think it’s unlikely to happen.

Men are basic in this regard.  If they want to get married they make it happen. And the asking the father thing?  That ship sailed a long time ago.

Post # 50
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Wow, some of these comments make me want to scream! OP: you know your SO better than anyone on here. You say he wants to marry you and it is just a matter of you being tired of waiting. No judgement here. My SO and I have been together almost 6 years and I have NO doubt in my head that he wants to marry me, but if I made a post about being tired of waiting the harpies would come out of their cave for me too.

Not all men are the same, thank goodness, or the world would be a very boring place. In that respect every relationship runs on it’s own time table. I know you’re frustrated but you agreed to wait until your birthday. So take a breath and don’t let it get to you. If you feel the need you might talk to him about how (my interpretation only) you feel that he has put your relationship on the back burner by putting things off and it hurts that he doesn’t make you a priority. 

Best of luck Bee. I wish you the very best.

Post # 51
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

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blondelollipop3 :  I don’t want to say he won’t marry you because I don’t know your relationship or your boyfriend. If he is an amazing man in every other aspect than this would you be okay with being in a relationship with him that never results in marriage? I think that’s what you have to figure out and that’s the mindset you have to get into. If it were me, I would be so furious and upset, in my mind, a child is a MUCH larger commitment than marriage so I don’t understand why he wouldn’t marry you if you’ve been parenting together these past 3 years and you’re a Stay-At-Home Mom. Maybe he’s stressed being the sole provider? 

I would say that I think you need to start protecting yourself a little bit more. You’re a Stay-At-Home Mom and currently have little legal protection in case of separation from him. I would recommend that you work on getting a job and getting some financial security of your own, because if you do end up walking, what will you do? If I were in your position I would focus on bettering myself for the next couple of months and figuring out a life where I could take care of myself and then if the proposal happens, that’s amazing, and if it doesn’t, then you’re going to be sad but you’ll be fine in every other aspect. 

Post # 52
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

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blondelollipop3 :  you wanted a man’s opinion so I asked my husband.

He said “if he wanted to marry you he’d have done it by now, not string you along. We [men] aren’t talk, we’re action. And besides, that’s cruel. Who does that to someone they love? After July and no proposal, you should leave him. But how will you without a job and with a kid? Maybe your boyfriend knows that so why bother proposing. You’re trapped essentially.”

so there ya go. 

Post # 53
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

OP I totally understand your concerns and I don’t think that other posters are not trying to be mean. I think they are trying to be quite realistic. This man is very much unlikely to propose anytime soon if ever because as a man, he’s already has a WIFE without a ring, title. 

I know men who don’t really need the piece of paper to feel “married” as it is different for everyone. However it’s usually important to the female, therefore they propose and get married because they want to. If for whatever reason, he decided to walk, he wouldnt loose much and it wouldnt be as difficult. He wouldn’t have to spend no money filing for divorce, if house and documents are under his name he could easily keep the house and owe you nothing. if he walked, his only responsibility would be child support. If you go read divorce forums you would see how much walking away from a marriage is. Breaking up is financially free. Divorce is not.  You would have to figure it out on your own. 

Think long and hard about this one. Last but not least, try to get something that can give you your own independence. I know you have a toddler but try to get a job, save some money for yourself, invest in YOU. I can see this not ending well for you depending on this guy for everything if he ever walks. Married or not. Just not married will be worse.

 

Good luck! 

Post # 54
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You went ring shopping but he hasn’t proposed?! He’s giving you super mixed signals, maybe explain calmly that he’s confusing you and needs to commit to a route?

Post # 55
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I hope he proposes this weekend! Otherwise, your boyfriend is a dick for blowing up when asked about his timeline. If he was really going to propose, he would have had the ring right? But then you went ring browsing in December? So he lied…you’re with a liar. He’s also someone who manipulated you by “taking away” his said proposal as punishment for ruining his surprise. He’s not 2. An amazing man would have told you that you ruined the surprise and pulled out the ring box right then and there and proposed because he couldn’t actually wait until thanksgiving anyway. But nooo- you can just wait until July. 

Post # 55
Member
2740 posts
Sugar bee

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nifer317 :  yeah, that’s basically what my husband said when I showed him this thread.

Post # 56
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

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blondelollipop3 :  yea, him saying he was going do it @ thanksgiving is total BS. 

If guy was *going to propose* he would’ve done so. There is no is or buts about it. What kept him from doing it? Nothing it was choice that he made. 

He’s all talk and no action. 

 

Post # 59
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

You need a job. Why on earth would you be a Stay-At-Home Mom to a boyfriend? What were you thinking?

Post # 60
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I mean, I don’t intend to be a jerk and be negative. We don’t know him. I want to say of course he could be amazing and just fear marriage for some bizarre reason! However, even if that’s true, he’s knowingly hurting you by not communicating that.  He’s not listening to your needs and he’s not even open to discussing a compromise. And I wouldn’t be so negative if it had been just a month or something. But this has been going on for so long. Like a PP had asked, can you really stay with someone who is knowingly hurting you this way? And I agree with another PP who said you’re with a liar. That’s really harsh, I admit, but it’s hard to argue when he said he had a plan to propose yet – shopped for a ring months later? :/ how does that make sense. 

I don’t think I could love or trust a person who treats me this way. I wouldn’t want my daughter to grow up thinking it’s ok to treat a spouse this way either. Sorry, bee. I can’t even think of a single time when my spouse has treated me like that (hurting me, refusing to compromise, communicate or listen, blowing up on me after I poured my heart out) for even a day, let alone a better part of a year.

Hate to be sappy but I believe this: You truly should feel cherished. Do you? 

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