- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
So….ive really really been struggling the last couple months….well about a month and a half ago….a “good” really close guy friend whom ive known my whole life….were talking baby pictures together….self proclaimed man whore, who would never settle down….whom i dated briefly (like a handful dates brief) in highschool, got engaged after knowing a girl for a whole 2 months and married at 4 months… had the cahones to look at me after i congratulated him, grabbed my hand, and go… “oh still no ring huh…i know you love him and all, but im serious your wasting your time, if hes known for 5 years your it like hes been telling me…hes never gonna propose, he gets a free wife with almost no commitment besides a rental house….” i bout had to pick my jaw up off the floor, then as he pulled me in for a hug, he whispers ” You know ill always love you Kit (shortened from kitten super embarrasing childhood nickname hes one of 3 ppl that can call me that with out getting punched), and if you woulda picked me 5 years ago instead of him, you would be happily married, living in the house i own, with atleast 2 or 3 of our children, and never want for anything….but now your just waiting on a maybe, and ive moved on, but if she ever gets sick of me, ill be waiting for you…” Not only really freaking ackward since we dated like oh 7 years ago in highschool, and ya know first time ive EVER met his WIFE, and he has to expose every insecurity i have, things i confided in him in confidence, about my worries….kinda a slap in the face….
well now hes been talking to me like nothings happened…all well and good…until about 2 nights ago….when we bumped into each other sans partners….at the store (wally world to boot), and after a very ackward hug and kiss on the cheek…he tells me hes sorry for teasing about my waiting (yep he knows about all yall…so does SO), and then goes on to say its hard for him to watch me go through this hes always protected me (like always…my ex hit me, and he literally took care of things, from driving 3 hours to come get me and staying with me with the cops you name it), he tells me hes always had “non brother sister type feelings for me”, and then proceeds to go on a tangent about his gut feeling that SO will never propose, and how i should be single for awhile and see what happens, as he then tells me his very short relationship and marriage is having trouble…(hes concerned shes cheating….after what he told me…yeah i think she is too)…and im at aloss of how to take this…and it has been bothering me so badly…that yesterday i took it out on SO….he knows about everything he friend has said to me….and denies that his intentions are to string me along….
well last night….i was in a mood…like bad….and on saturday….we had looked at rings some more….and he had mentioned wanting to see a certain one again, well i for the life of me couldnt remember which one…so i pulled up one i thought was close…and he flipped out…and started going on and on about im pressuring him, and blah blah blah…well dont ask to see it if you dont want to…so i got pissed…and said fine…if its that big of an issue…then as of last night we were going to stop any and all talks about marriage and the future for awhile…atleast a year maybe two…which made him madder, saying i always go to extremes…(pardon me for thinking either you want to get married or you dont…really no middle ground in my mind)…so after a 2 hour argument….we are at a standstill in that discussion, only agreeing we both need a day or so to collect ourselves and our thoughts….
so now im torn as to the main reason behind this…and why my friend is acting the way he is….he even text me this am….asking if i was ok saying he just had afeeling he needed to check on me today…idk what the heck is going on with me….i think part of me is jealous of the life I COULD HAVE HAD….at the same time i love SO so much and dont ever want to be with out him…part of me wonders if my friend is right…and if i chose wrong years ago, even though i know the way i love him, is different from the love i feel for SO, and the twinge of guilt knowing in the back of my brain…that if i ever decided id had enough waiting, and SO still wasnt ready, i could step right into my friends arms, and have everything i ever wanted with SO, a house, a marriage, a family….my friend knows how important a marriage and kids are too me….and so does SO, but only one of them acknowledges the weight of my medical conditions (that if i get lucky will cause no conception problems or problems carrying to term)…
so alas…sorry this is long…i am not leaving SO, i just needed to get it out there…and make sure that im not insaine…and that i have a right to be a little emotionally disturbed right now….
thanks lovelies for sticking through this novel if you did….