(Closed) So upset I feel sick….Am I making a big deal out of nothing? (Update)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I Overreacting?
    Yes! That's unnecessary. He's done enough. Just let it go : (4 votes)
    9 %
    No! This is a serious issue and should be addressed. : (36 votes)
    78 %
    Eh....compromise? : (5 votes)
    11 %
    Other : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee

    Did your husband mention the lunch to you before or after she left the Facebook comment?

    It is good that he mentioned speaking with her without you having to confront him, however I wouldn’t let him off the hook just yet.  He lied to you in that it was a “last minute thing”… he wanted you to think he didn’t have a chance to invite you along.  The truth is, he had plenty of time to invite you and chose not to, for whatever reason.

    This woman doesn’t have to like you, but your husband should set clear boundaries with her.  Your are his wife and he should make it clear to this woman that, as a friend, she should respect his marriage to you. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    She makes me want to vomit all over the place. Projectile-style. Everywhere. 

    i want to tell you to do one thing and handle this “maturely” but I wouldn’t, lol..I know what I’d do. I’d tell him not to talk to that ridiculous, manipulative bitch if he knew what was best for him. Because it’s time to move on. You’ve left the church. It’s a weird church. Cult-like. Moving on and NOT maintaining ties would be the best way to put it out of your minds. 

    He doesn’t OWE this lady a reason WHY you guys left this “church” or what he feels his role in his own marriage is. I don’t see why he feels the need to justify his own thoughts/feelings. She’s trying to suck him back in or something.

    Even if DH’s best friend in the whole entire universe treated me crappy (let alone a woman I care nothing about), I’d expect him to stand up for me and say, “hey that’s not cool”. I certainly wouldn’t feel very comfortable hanging out with anyone who vehemently hates my own husband. How awkward!

    I say no contact. I don’t care who this lady is, that he used to live with her…from an outsider’s perspective (easier said than done, i know…), my spidey senses are going haywire and something just doesn’t feel right about the situation from what I’ve gathered.

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    18637 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I agree that he needs to set boundaries.  I don’t think that she should be bad mouthing you to anyone and he should not put up with that as your husband.  As your husband, he should defend you from people who say bad things about you.  You and her do not have to be friends, but he should make sure that she remains civil.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    For someone who claims to be so spiritual, this woman is going out of her way to insert herself in the middle of something that God put together. She has openly disrespected you and from everything you typed here and in your previous thread, your husband SAYS that he has a problem with it, but his ACTIONS don’t back that up. He is YOUR husband, his FIRST responsibility should be to you and to the health of your marriage. As long as this woman still has his ear, she will remain a threat to your marriage. As painful as it may be for him, your husband needs to sever ALL ties with this woman. Because if she can’t respect the choice that he made to marry you, then she doesn’t respect his choices and feels that he NEEDS her to tell him the “right” way to live.

    I would NEVER stand for somebody constantly bashing my Fiance…regardless of who it is. I am going to say something and let it be known that if it continues, my relationship with that person will not. Especially when the bashing and disrespect stems from a decision you and your husband made together….about something as personal as religion and how you as a family choose to worship. This heffah has a lot of nerve.

    Post # 7
    Member
    5262 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I read your other post but didn’t end up commenting because I hate criticizing religion because I always feel like it’s going to come off wrong, but really didn’t like the sound of the home church by the time you two left it. I attended Lutheran and non-denominational church for 17 years before I came to terms with what I believed, and they ALL said the same thing – that it was important to find your spiritual home and make a community there, but that choice was between you and God, and no one else (i.e., them) could know what was right. 

    This woman sounds manipulative. She sounds like she knows that she has to separate the two of you in order to really play at his emotions. Because if you were there, you could step up and say, “no, THIS is what’s best for us, what we agreed on, etc” – so she sets up a lunch with him, talks about how long she’s been married, what she didn’t know when she was in your place, blah blah blah. 

    And I agree with you – your husband is not meaning to send the message that she can treat you however she wants, but he is. Men don’t usually think the worst of people like women do (in my experience) which can lead to second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth chances… you get the idea. At some point you have to say that you can forgive without wanting be further involved with someone. 

    I think you should talk to him about what your goals are for your marriage spiritually and otherwise. I’m not sure what you believe about the husband making decisions for the wife, but it would drive me crazy, especially if it gets to the point where he’s not even telling you the situation beforehand. I know plenty of Christian marriages that are truly partnerships and I think maybe you need to come from that angle when you talk to him? I think it’d be beneficial if you told him what your ideal outcome to this situation would be, why it hurt you, what you’re afraid of, etc. And then go from there depending on what he says. But definitely address it. Good luck!

    Post # 8
    Member
    3124 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I agree with EJS – even if it were his best friend, if the person said something horrible about me or showed this type of behavior toward me, he would stand up and tell him to quit, at a minimum.  I know there is more to it, but you are a family and he is your husband and he should support you and stand up for you – you’re not out in left field or being demanding. you’re being reasonable, and this church lady is manipulative, gross, and out of line. ……

    Post # 9
    Member
    2465 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    generally i believe that if friends are rude to my fi, then they aren’t really friends worth keeping, and vice versa. i had a couple close friends who i really depended on a lot while my fi and i were long-distance, and who were incredibly supportive to me, but then treated him like crap when he met them. like, not even acknowledging him as he tried to make small talk. as soon as i realized how they treated them, i stopped making any effort to maintain the friendship. that’s a waaay less extreme example than what you’re experiencing, but still i think it’s the same answer–if they treat you like crap and try to manipulate your husband against you, their friendship definitely isn’t worth maintaining, no matter the history 

    Post # 11
    Member
    102 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    My pastor has preached that the bond of husband & wife should not be interfered with by any outside influence and that includes the church & any church activates and I completely agree.  If this woman truly feels offended by you (and honestly I don’t think she has any reason to be offended, BUT even is she does), it is her duty as a Christian to forgive you and if she has no forgiveness in her heart than your husband has no reason to be contact someone like that.  What I would do is look for direct scripture to support your argument, she can say what ever she wants but if she is arguing with the direct word of God (and anyone who has started their own church should certainly not have a problem with reading the Bible) than she has a problem with God & not with you.  His bond with you & the vows he made to you come before everyone in this world.  I am so sorry to hear that you are having these troubles, I will definitely pray for you!

    Post # 12
    Member
    2820 posts
    Sugar bee

    We have a strict no putting up with someone insulting the spouse rule. 

    It’s happened to both of us in underhanded way and so we address it, not in a scolding way, but a definite I’m on my spouses side on this one (smile).  We’re a team and any issues we have we address with each other, not with some random person who makes it clear they dislike our spouse, that’s just toxic to a relationship.   

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    3124 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    It sounds like your hubby will come around, especially when you go through these points with him.  With men, you just have to be super direct 🙂

    Post # 16
    Member
    5262 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Melissa – I was about to say the same thing! Hahaha. 

    To the OP – I’m glad you’re trusting your instincts with this one, they seem to be right on. Hopefully he’ll be receptive to what you’re saying even if he doesn’t see all of her little manipulations. Why is it guys never do? 

    The topic ‘So upset I feel sick….Am I making a big deal out of nothing? (Update)’ is closed to new replies.

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