- 8 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
Yesterday I wrote this post:
Here’s the update:
So last night my husband finally mentioned that he had talked to this woman, D. He brought it up himself, which I was glad of, and we talked about the conversation. He said that there were some loose ends from us leaving the church that he felt like he needed to clear up. Particularly that he needed to explain more fully what he was thinking at the time. They talked about what he’s come to believe about his role as a husband (basically, that as the head of the house, he needs to make decisions based on what’s best for both of us, not just what he wants to do, and that he’s called to “lay down his life for his wife as Christ layed down his life for the church”). She disagreed and they had to agree to disagree on that point. She also told him that she’d deleted me as a friend on facebook because she got offended whenever she saw posts from me and she didn’t want to see them anymore (she’d told me in her e-mail that she wasn’t offended…).
I told him that I was kind of hurt that he hadn’t mentioned it to me and he said it happened kind of last minute (not exactly, but fine) and that he thought that he had mentioned something to me a few days earlier about maybe getting together with her (he didn’t, but he could honestly have thought that he did). He also said that he would have been welcome but that it would have been too hard to find a time when both of us could be there because she had a busy schedule (it didn’t seem like he really tried, but ok). Although I think it was still somewhat deliberate that he didn’t tell me beforhand, I’m mostly ok with it now because he did tell me about it voluntarily and shared what they talked about.
But here’s my dilemna now:
I really don’t want him to stay in contact with her (or moreso, allow her to stay in contact with him) if she refuses to reconcile with me. It doesn’t seem appropriate or healthy. We ended up getting into a big argument about it.
He thinks I’m trying to make him take on my offense and that cutting off contact won’t help anything, only forgiving her will. He claims that they rarely have any contact anymore anyways (which has been true for the past month or so) so it’s not really any different than where I’m at with her. He says that I know he doesn’t agree with what she’s doing (which I do) and that should be enough.
I still feel like it’s something he needs to address with her, though, regardless of whether it leads to cutting off friendship or not. I feel like her being friends with him and treating him like a son (saying things like “Love ya lots!!”) while cutting off all contact with me and refusing to even talk through the issues (saying things like “I do not feel it is needful to pursue this line of discussion in light of our commitment level to each other”) undermines our marriage and the fact that, though yes, we’re two people, we’re ONE FAMILY who have chosen to join our lives together. I think it’s inappropriate for her to make that separation (especially as a woman and a “mother” figure). And I feel like by not saying anything, my husband is essentially sending her the message that it’s ok, that she can treat me however she wants and he’s going to keep his hands off the issue.
There’s also a part of me that just wants to know that my husband is with me, that he’s going to protect me and defend me. I mean, I’m a big girl, and in general I’m pretty independent (and I’m not wanting him to get in a fist fight with anyone or anything like that :-P), but it would mean a lot to me if he’d stick up for me, particularly considering how much hurt and attack has come from them (all towards me, not my husband). Even if he could just verbally set boundaries, like saying, “I’m not okay with you doing _______ and treating my wife like _______. If this continues or happens again, we’re going to have to step back from the relationship, because I won’t tolerate people treating her that way.”
But maybe that’s wishful thinking?
To top it off, she left this post on his facebook wall last night: “Hey [my husband’s name] thanks for a great time this afternoon! Just like old times when we used to talk for hours!! Love ya lots!!”
So what do you think? Am I overreacting and being vengeful by asking him to cut off contact, or at least address it with her? Should I just let it go?