- 10 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
So yesterday I was snooping (I admit it) and discovered that my husband has been e-mailing a woman from a church we used to go to and they’re planning to meet for lunch today. It’s 11:30 and he’s yet to mention this to me (hes’ been planning it since Sunday morning).
Now before I go any further, I have to clarify. This woman is NOT a potential romantic interest for him. That’s not the issue. She’s married and in her 50’s (my husband is 27). She’s a former pastor-ish of ours and was a mother-figure for him at one time.
But here’s the problem (in a nutshell…background to follow):
1) He’s hiding this lunch date
2) He seems ok just haning out with her (not to mention still being friends on facebook) after what she said to me and how she treated me
3) She’s acting like it’s perfectly fine to be his friend, be part of his life, meet with him to talk, and treat him like a son, while rejecting me and treating me like an outcast and making it clear that she doesn’t want even a casual relationship with me. I thought that, as a married couple, we come as a packaged deal now?
So here’s the background story:
My husband lived with this couple for a year before we started dating and was part of their house church. He then left their church, came to mine, and shortly afterwards we started dating. I had been to that particular house church before but had issues with it. I’d thought about joining, but felt like God said not to, but because I had a number of friends there, I would go to visit occasionally. Whenever I was there, no one from the church would speak to me or even acknowledge that I was there. It was awkward, to say the least. I asked some of my friends there about it and was told that the house church is looking for committed people. If someone isn’t committed, they won’t invest any time in them because it’s not worth it. So I stopped going at all.
Fast forward a year. My now-husband and I start dating and we go back to the house church occassionally to hang out (because he considers them family). All of a sudden, because I’m his new “girl” people talk to me. Hmm.
We get married, house church is still all supportive. And then suddely, a month after we get married, my husband decides he wants to start going back to the house church weekly. He promises that he has no intentions of leaving our other churches but a couple weeks later suggests that we should. We argue about this for 5 months (really bleh time).
In the midst of this arguing, we’re still going to the house church weekly. They pressure us to leave our other church and commit there. They also pressure me to “submit” to my husband and do what he wants, regardless of how I feel about it. I struggle and pray and talk to many friends and mentors but still fill VERY uneasy about joining this church. I continue to insist that we keep praying and talking until we can come to an agreement on what church we should be part of. The house church continues to pressure me to do the ‘godly’ thing and submit to my husband’s will, as well as pressuring me to submit to their “authority”. There’s a lot of manipulation going on and they subtly push themselves between me and my husband. Not so healthy for our marriage.
Finally, my husband prays about it and God shows him how destructive his attatchent to this church is. He makes the decision that we should leave. We meet with the couple in charge of the church (including this woman he’s meeting with today) and tell them that we feel called away from the church, but don’t really go into details about why.
Shortly afterwards, I notice that this woman — I’ll just call her D — had deleted me as a friend on facebook. Oddly enough, she was still friends with my husband. I kind of pushed it aside, but several weeks later, after consulting my husband, sent her a brief e-mail asking her why she’d deleted me (and not my husband) and stating that we didn’t intend to cut them out of our lives even though we were no longer part of their church. She responded by saying that “you didn’t trust me to speak into your life” and “I was just respecting your wishes.” I wrote back and tried to clarify where I was and what I was feeling in all this and asked if we could meet in person to talk about it before we moved (we were in the process of moving half way across the country). She refused. So I tried to talk things through on facebook, but she said she doesn’t have “these kinds of conversations” and to just let it rest. Finally, a month ago, I gave up on it, but it’s bothered me because she’s stayed friends with my husband and periodically writes very nice encouraging comments on his wall.
And meanwhile we hear rumors of things being said at the house church about me and my “issue with authority”. We contact the head of the house church network, who lives in our city, and ask to meet with him to talk about one of these comments (which we were told came from him). He denied the comment and refused to meet with us. More drama.
So now, D is in town visiting her family and they’re meeting for lunch. My husband initiated this meeting and at first I thought maybe he was going to address some of the things being said. But the later e-mails made it sound like he just wanted to hang out with her while she was in town. And why wouldn’t he say something to me? I’ve given him tons of opportunities today, but he seems to be deliberately hiding it.
I’m hoping he’ll tell me so we can talk about it, but am I out of line in flipping out over this lunch thing?