Post # 1
So I am so upset over this! My mom sent out the invites for my shower yesterday. Let me start off by saying that my parents are paying for most of the wedding except probably the booze and rehearsal dinner. FMIL has had very little involvement. She’s such a nice person but she’s one of those people where you have to tell her exactly what to do, she doesn’t really show initiative.
When my mom first brought up the shower to her, she seemed a little put off that it was 30 minutes away from her and her family and thought that no one would want to travel that far. She eventually agreed to it though and was fine with the idea. My mom has been in charge of the whole thing, organizing the place, food, guest list etc. She spent a lot of time on the shower invites and gifts for the party. FI’s mom it was decided, was going to bring like a veggie tray and everyone was ok and on the same page. Let me also say that my mother has nothing but good intentions and been very accommodating with everything. Her and FI’s mom actually just talked on the phone for quite awhile about everything a few days ago (mostly my mom just going over everything).
So, i just get a call from FI. Apparently, he talked to his mom who just received the invite. She is practically in tears and very upset that 1) it says the shower is hosted by my mom and 2) she thinks her relatives won’t know who the shower is for. Apparently, FI’s aunts and cousins don’t know my name even though I’ve met them several times?? So FI calls me and puts it on me that we have a problem. So, of course I get mad and say some things i don’t mean about my mother being the one that does all the work blah blah and technically she is hosting the shower and how it’s not a big deal. He got angry with me and shut his phone off.
I called my mom and needless to say she’s very surprised by all of this. Instead of FMIL saying “oh i got the invite it’s really cute”, we have drama like this. Now my mom’s upset and doesn’t know what to do. She also says she gladly would’ve put her name on the invite as well but didn’t know that was so important.
I’m upset that I got defensive to FI but i know he was doing the same thing. I guess I just wanted to vent. This is all just so ridiculous in my eyes…
Any suggestions on how to fix this situation??
Post # 3
Yikes. There is nothing that can be done about it at this point.. it’s not like you can resend them. I think either you or your mother should just call your FMIL and apologize that her feelings were hurt (even though I think your mother didn’t do anything wrong since she is technically hosting the event). I think the bigger issue here is the way your FI reacted. I know he is upset because his mother is upset but that is not an excuse to go on the offensive against you. And secondly, it is NOT ok for him to just shut off his phone and cut off communication with you. That would never fly between my husband and I.
Post # 4
hmm…thats tricky. First you and fiance need to be on the same page, if you said some things you didn’t mean then tell him that. Both of you need to talk so that theres not more going on then necessary. I know my FH gets defensive with his family sometimes, especially since I know all the right things to say to make it worse :/ Secondly it might be nice of you to just call and apology to FMIL (I personally don’t feel it was necessary for her to be on the invite in the first place) but regardless her feelings were hurt and it would be a nice gesture. You should also make sure you extend a thank you to both your mom and her at the actual shower.
Post # 5
So sorry you are going through this.
Simply put, a veggie tray HARDLY qualifies as co-hosting. If she had contributed financially, or even with part of the planning, maybe she’d have a leg to stand on, but not with her (lack of) involvement.
And 30 minutes being to far? PAH-lease. My mom and FMIL are 3+ hours apart. I have never met some of my FI’s aunts, but they all kow my name. It’s not your job to spread the word of who you are to HIS family.
I also think your FI is overreacting and should not be turning off his phone, but I digress. I think your FMIL needs to get over herself on this one.
(sheesh, I am clearly emotional today)
Post # 6
I agree with the other posers about needing to be on the same page, especially dealing with family members can get tricky. If you said things you didn’t mean, just let him know that! As for the invitation, personally I don’t see it being a big deal as your mother is the one hosting it and FMIL hasn’t been involved really (from what you’ve said). Hence, she doesn’t really need to be on the invite. It’s really not a big deal and I’d try to do what I could to minimize the whole issue.
Post # 7
Oh wow! I don’t want to sound mean but your mom did all the work why should FI’s mom take the credit?
I think you’re mom did the right thing by not putting her name on there.
I guess what I would do now is just tell FI that you are sorry his mom’s feelings got hurt but what is done is done. He needs to tell his mom it was just an honest mistake but she is more than welcome to help do stuff at the shower like write the guests name who gets you a gift and maybe serve drinks and come up with some games so she doesn’t feel left out.
Post # 8
Eep. Well like someone said there’s nothing you can do to change it, but you can definitely call her and explain that you had no intentions of hurting her feelings–if you can meet her for lunch or something so that maybe it would be a bit more personal, so she can see that you are genuine.
Also, I don’t think the FI is really guilty of being a jerk yet, we don’t know the whole story. We don’t know exactly what was said, the tone used, and so on. The OP said herself that she said stuff she didn’t mean, and she was just being defensive, as he was. From the sound of it, perhaps he didn’t want to argue, and wanted to cool down. I find that much more respectful than starting a shouting match.
Sorry you have to go through this—good luck!! Keep us posted!
Post # 9
FMIL was wrong to make the initial fuss, bottom line, your mom is the one hosting. And FI should have handled things better. I’d just let it go and not get stressed out about folks that should be more adult in handling such affairs.
Post # 10
It sounds like your FMIL thought she was part of the planning. It’s a perspective thing. You said she doesn’t show initiative, and with your mom being kind enough to include her in the planning, going over everything with her, having her bring a vegiplate (whether it is a significant contribution or not), your FMIL assumed that she was equally involved. Some people haven’t had the social interaction that would have queued her into realizing that more involvement may be necessary to be considered as co-hosts. I am being serious here. It’s amazing to me how socially inept some adults are!
Moose and June have some feasible suggestions for diffusing this situation. This is a rough one. Best wishes.
Post # 11
I know you are upset I think most of us have dealt with drama during the wedding planning. What you and your FI need to take from this is that yes you two are now a team and need to address problems with friends and family as such. You also need to keep in mind that you will need to do Rehearsal Dinner Invites and Wedding Invites. So make sure that you ask for the host(s) of those events to give you a sample to proof-read. And then be sure to show your parents the sample. You just need to make sure that this doesn’t happen again.
As for them not knowing your name, oh well. All of us have sent out invitations to showers, weddings, etc with our maiden names. People will figure it out.
As for your FMIL and the hosting, I would make sure that you recognize her at the shower and thank her in front of everyone for helping with the shower. Be sure to thank anyone else that has helped with the shower at that same time.
Post # 12
thanks for the suggestions and help. i just got off the phone with my mom and she just talked to FMIL. She assumed that they were co-hosting and that she was bringing things and bought gifts etc. So, my mom apologized and said it was her fault. She also offered to call the 8 or so people on her list and explain that she is also hosting and how it was a mistake on the invite. She’s currently doing that now…as for FI, phone is still shut off. I’m sure tonight will be a blast!
Post # 13
I’m glad that your mom called her and they sound like things are going to be okay between the mom’s. Just be sure to get both of them a nice hosting gift and do a big thank you speech at the shower.
Good luck with your FI. Don’t freak out and call his phone every five seconds. Just be patient and wait for him to call you. I know easier said then done.
Post # 14
Well we live together and he’s currently at a retirement party. He’ll be home in a couple of hours i just hope he’s not mad. UGH!!! I seriously hate unnecessary drama.
Post # 15
Good for your mom. She sounds like a stand-up woman and I am really glad everything worked out. whew.
As for your FI, I would tear him a new *ss hole later. But that’s just me. 🙂 You two became a united front the day you got engaged, and turning off his phone is unacceptable.
Post # 16
Can you send your sweetie a text and let him know all is well with the mom situation?