(Closed) So upset that BF doesn't want to get me a nice engagement ring

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 121
Member
781 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

Good to know my MALL ring is such poor quality! DESPITE it being actually handmade in the city it was bought from…DESPITE it being one of a kind…

I get it, you’re feeling like he doesn’t care, and that you’re ‘worth’ a big shiny engagement ring. But honestly, if you truly love him you will love whatever he proposes to you with! 

Post # 122
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
barbgordon:  I’m going to avoid going off into the distance on some of the things you’ve said because quite honestly, I was offended.  Instead, here’s a devil’s advocate situation for you to think about.  You know him best, so I’m not saying this was his thought process, but it certainly could have been what he went through.  (could if, hypotheticals…)

Maybe he has done his research and very clearly saw that he can’t afford your dream ring.  And when you bring it up, he doesn’t want to talk about it because he knows he can’t afford it and it makes him close up.  So, he does an internet search on deals, and up pops groupon with an answer for him, that may get him closer to your expectations.  

There are SO many ring commercials during football (does he like football?) about deals, with flashy rings, etc, that he may think using coupons and sales for this purchase is normal.  IF that is the case, he’s trying to meet your expectations and is at the sametime being called out for being cheap because a coupon or mall store is involved.  That would make me feel like sh*t, like nothing I did was good enough, and you know what, I wouldn’t want to talk about it etiher….

But, the difference is that he should be willing to be upfront about any budget issues so you can find a solution and compromise together.  That is the red flag, what other bees are citing for disinterest and unwillingness to talk about it.  Not communicating over money, or about what is important and where compromise can be made, is a big, shiny red flag.

* End hypothetical

Sidenote 1: I think it’s wrong to fault him on using a coupon.  Coupons exist for Kate Spade too.  If he does use a coupon, maybe he can also use a cash back rewards credit card, and then he’ll get back even more money that could be put towards wedding, wedding bands, etc.  That’s not being cheap – that’s taking advantage of large spend items.  I bought my bridesmaids dresses on my cash back card and was about to get them back $30 each.  

Sidenote 2: Just think, if you guys do get engaged, this is one of MANY financial discussions that you will need to make, particularly with wedding planning costs.  Learn how to do it together well now, and the budget planning for your wedding will be a lot more smooth!

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Kannon.
Post # 123
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
barbgordon:  I actually agreed with you for the most part (concerning his lack  of regard to your wishes about the engagement/proposal); however, your last comment leads me to believe that you are absolutely living with your head (and expectations) in the clouds! $300 shoes, $1000 glasses (!?) which, I can tell you are NO better than a $150 pair of frames. You are stuck on labels and appearances and, as other PP’s have mentioned, I have a feeling this will continue (if it hasn’t already–maybe it has and he’s sick of it) into aspects like cars and houses. Your logic: well, we want it to last forever, so this 80k car MUST be better quality than a 30k Honda, is screwed up. Quality doesn’t always cost more. Status labels do. You want people to look at your finger and be envious and imagine that your husband looooooves you way more than theirs does. A QUALITY ring like you are describing would cost 10-20K AT LEAST. That’s ridiculous when considering the both of your salaries! I think he’s acting this way, because he knows you won’t ever be happy unless everything you have is THE BEST. I really don’t understand girls like you. Living beyond means is what has gotten so many in our country in debt. Lower your expectations, because that doesn’t mean that you are lowering your self-worth. It’s the opposite in this example, actually. 

Post # 124
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My Fiance spent about $1000 on my ring, which came from a Zales in the mall. It is my most prized and important possession, it is beautiful. Your attitude toward rings that are 1K and come from the mall makes you sound immature and snobbish. It is okay to feel hurt about him not taking your feelings into account, but don’t get tied up in the cost of the ring and where it comes from. Have a candid discussion with him and then let it go. 

Post # 125
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The size and/or cost of your ring has no correlation with his feelings about your worth.  Good grief.

Post # 126
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

To be honest, you’re coming off very spoiled. Maybe he knows you pretty well and thinks this ring is perfect for you. 

You do realize lots of women get their rings from the mall? There is nothing wrong with it.

If you think a ring is all you are worth, then I am sorry, you are going to lead a sad life. It has nothing to do with who you are.  

And what the hell is wrong with wanting to save some money? It doesn’t grow on trees. I bought the Starbucks groupon the other day? does that make me cheap? 

 

Post # 127
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

I feel like there have been a lot of really harsh responses to this – you’re not ‘insane’ or ‘materialistic’ for wanting an investment ring, or a well thought-out proposal. It sounds to me like a clash in your love languages – to you, a gift with a lot of consideration and thought behind it is far more meaningful than it is to him, who just throws things together last minute. To him, saving money is the main priority – which is absolutely not an issue in general, but you two are obviously on a different financial wavelength.

And of COURSE we compare ourselves to our friends, and things like Pinterest and the Bee make everything ten times harder when it comes to heightening your expectations. Don’t feel guilty about it – it’s natural. 

I know it’s not a perfect surprise like you may want it to be, but you’re going to have to shop together. You pick out all your Christmas and birthday presents, and this is potentially the biggest present he’ll ever get you – so why should it be any different? You guys have different taste and different attitudes towards money, so accept that he’s not going to get you that dream ring of his own accord. 

Before you shop though, TALK. You need to explain to him calmly what the ring symbolises and means to you, which is why you have the expectations you do. You may find that he views things differently, and that the ring is just a step – much like how to some people marriage is just a piece of paper, but it doesn’t mean they love their partner any less. 

Then if you can come to an agreement on this, you can talk budget. Do your research, look at styles together, come up with a price point you’re both happy with. 

Post # 128
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

Have you heard of the 5 love languages? Perhaps yours is “receiving gifts” – nothing wrong with that, but maybe he shows affection in a different way. 

Post # 128
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - Leu gardens, orlando

My ring cost about 50 dollars!! i chose it because i loved it!! we’ve been together for 15 years now and i would have been happy with a plastic ring from a cracker, why? because it’s not about how much he spends on a ring, it’s about wanting to spend the rest of your lives together-we are still totally and utterly in love!!!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by rasmus.
Post # 129
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

[content moderated for personal attack]

Post # 131
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
BothCoasts: “Romance is for pussies; marriage is for adults” LOL

I get it OP. I consider myself a quality-buyer as well (although price doesn’t always equal quality) and even though I don’t have a big budget, I do try to save up for the best quality I can. I definitely understand why his nonchalant attitude towards the ring can be hurtful when it matters so much to you. You’ll have to decide if his attitude towards the ring is a reflection of his feelings towards the engagement or just towards rings. My DH truly does not care about rings and is just not all that into giving gifts in general, but he brings me breakfast in bed every Sunday and takes care of me when I’m sick so I pick my battles. A 1.5 or 2 carat diamond ring might be difficult to afford on his salary, so you might want to consider alternatives like moissanite or the Amora Gem which are also high-quality stones that will last. I’d say to talk to him, set up a budget you both feel comfortable with (even if that means you have to contribute) and go shopping for rings together. Either way you can’t make him care about something he just doesn’t. Sorry bee.

 

Post # 132
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

[content moderated for personal attack/snark]

Post # 133
Member
36 posts
Newbee

Why would you NOT want your boyfriend to use a coupon to buy you an engagement ring? You’d rather he spend twice the amount of money on a diamond that’s only worth half the price? You realize that the value of diamonds is grossly overinflated, right? You two can use the saved money for future investments, like a house, car, kids…

When my boyfriend and I first started talking about engagement rings, I took him to Costco. They actually have very nice rings for a fraction of the cost. Does buying a ring from Costco make the engagement any less meaningful? Absolutely not. 

As for gift giving… Your boyfriend pretty much just sounds like 90% of the male population. They need to be TOLD what to get. I made a list of my favorite flowers and sent it to my boyfriend, so he never has to look like a deer in headlights at the floral shop. Sure, it might not be as romantic, but it also means I’ll get exactly what I wanted without any fights of “Oh, he didn’t put enough thought into this!” 

You need to be able to communicate what you want, within reason. Figure out what his budget is, what he’s comfortable with spending. Try to compromise. You need to figure out 1) whether the ring is really that important, or if spending the rest of your life together is more important (you can always upgrade in the future) and 2) whether you’re willing to pitch in to the cost a little to get something you like.

Just remember, after you’re married, it won’t really matter whose pocket the ring came from. You’ll be sharing a household and, I imagine, financial responsibilities. 

Post # 134
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
zamorski:  touche   And it actually looks better than I thought it would!

Post # 135
Member
911 posts
Busy bee

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thatweddinggirl:  With all due respect, a ring can be beautiful, special, and meaningful, but it is not an investment. Diamonds and fine jewelry do not appreciate after purchase (in fact, quite the opposite). If the original poster is looking for an investment, she and her boyfriend are better off buying index funds. 

/end Suze Orman moment!

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