- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
I’m a new member here, but I’ve been stalking the boards for months. I’d like to give you guys a bit of background on my relationship before I ask advice, so bear with me.
I met my SO on a visit to a university in Feb 2011 and we began dating in Oct 2011. We fell in love about a month after dating, and unofficially moved in together in Jan 2012.
When SO’s lease was up in May 2012, we discussed the possibility of officially moving in together. We talked it over for weeks, and I knew that I needed to tell my parents beforehand. I grew up Southern Baptist, but my family had really stopped attending church once I reached high school. But I knew it might be a touchy subject. My twin brother had just gotten engaged and was (secretly) living with his fiance and planning to officially move in together before their actual marriage. He had told my parents this and there was no problem.
I called my mother and spoke to her and they seemed really supportive at first. She said the usual: we love you, want you to be happy. But a week afterwards, I got a snarky text about it. I called my mom to clarify and she basically tore into me. She said I was doing the wrong thing, it was inappropriate, what would people say… She even asked why we didn’t just elope and would I dare to wear white at my wedding. All really hurtful things, especially considering I KNOW she, my sister, and my sister-in-law were not virgins at their weddings and nothing of the sort was said to them.
I know my SO was really hurt by the situation. We had a huge fight right after that almost resulted in a breakup. But from that moment on we decided only we were going to decide if, when, and how we would live our lives. I stopped speaking to my parents for a few months, and it’s been a long road back to a steady relationship.
So to get to the point, my SO visited my parents last week. He told me things went really well, and he asked me about rings again (we went shopping for them a few months ago). I’m REALLY excited and can’t wait to be married to him, but I have to admit that the issue with my parents still taints things a bit for me. For a long time, I had thought I didn’t even want a traditional wedding because I couldn’t imagine it with things so bad with my parents.
But after apologies and mendings were made, it’s become more of a reality again. But there is a huge part of me that can’t let things go. In particular, I don’t know if I would feel comfortable shopping for a wedding dress with my mom, which is something I think most bees dream of. I can’t get her statement about the white dress out of my head.
I know I need to let it go. She explained to me that she didn’t mean to say that, she’s sorry she hurt me, she was just afraid and lashing out in fear. Our relationship is much better, but will never be at the level it was before.
Basically, I’m asking for advice. Are there any other bees out there at odds with the mom or parents and still wanting them to be a big part of the wedding? How do you deal with this?