(Closed) SO wants me to move in with him but my family is against it

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@forgetaboutme:  The fact that he seems to be changing his mind is slightly alarming.. maybe he’s getting cold feet and is trying to stall the proposal? Could you perhaps compromise and move in together after getting engaged? Seems like the happy medium between him wanting to move in before proposing and you wanted to get married before moving in together.

I moved in with my SO after we’d been together 4 years and I’m happy we did so before getting engaged. Both of our parents probably would have preferred we at least were engaged first but moving in together was what worked best for both of us at the time. While I get wanting to please your family, I personally wouldn’t prioritize their wishes over what I wanted to do. Your SO could feel threatened that you will always prioritize your family’s wants over his and think that’s what his future with you will look like.

Post # 4
352 posts
Helper bee

@forgetaboutme:  I personally agree with him on living together before marriage, only because you learn so much more about someone when you live together, but then again, my parents were very open about the decisions I made to live with my SO. It sounds like he just wants to make sure that the two of you would work well together 24/7 before getting into something as serious as marriage and/or buying a house. But at the same time, it isn’t fair for you seeing that you did tell him your views on all of this very early on in the relationship. Maybe you ought to tell him that you’d like to sit down and have a “mature” conversation and talk about possible options? I hope you get everything worked out!

Post # 5
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I understand both sides, but I have to say this – my family completely disagreed with my relationship. I am a lesbian and spent most of my high school life depressed because of it. It broke my heart that I would disappoint my parents. I eventually had to do what I wanted…what made me happy. That being said, if YOU want to live with him before marraige, do it. If you really don’t want to, then don’t. I understand respecting your parents, I really do… But that is the one thing I leave them completely out of… my relationship decisions. 

Post # 6
538 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Mrstidwell:  good for you! i’m in any interracial relationship and my family are your typical southern baptists. once i knew that i REALLY wanted to be with him, i had to “man” up so to speak in order to find happiness. I love my parents and still respect them, but i feel like they respect me more as an adult because i stood up for what i wanted. just wanted to chime in and mention that you gave good advice to the OP…you have to do what makes you the happiest 🙂

Post # 9
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

Just make sure whatever you decide is based on what makes you happy.  I personally think you have a lot going for you—great job on being an NP, I’m working towards that now and that takes some work!  You’ve been together for 4 years…he knows how well the two of you get along together, and yes, moving in together is an adjustment but I don’t think that at least wanting to be engaged is to much to ask for at all.

Post # 10
3878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hmmm I kind of agree with him. I think it’s a really good idea to live with someone before you marry. I actually told my now-DH I didn’t want to get engaged until we lived together for 6 months (he proposed exactly 6 months after we moved in together haha!). It seems that you are apprehensive because of your parents thoughts and views and not your own. I think you need to think about what YOU want and what is best for YOUR relationship. If my now-DH made major decisions about our relationship because of what his parents thought I would be extremely frustrated. 


Post # 11
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

He may not necessarily have changed his mind, but it evolved that way. I realized after being in a relationship that there was no way Id be comfortable marrying someone I hadn’t lived with. I may have thought I could in the beginning, but as time went on I realized that wasn’t the right way for me. He could be the same way?

Post # 13
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

Forget about what your Fiance wants. Forget about what your family wants. What do YOU want?

Post # 14
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I doubt it was a sudden decision for him to want to live with you before marriage. Sure, you told him four months into dating, when you barely knew each other and probably didn’t know where it was going at that point. Now, 4 years later, when you’ve been through a lot together, he’s had a lot of time to think and reflect, and figure out what kind of couple you are. If he’s concerned about your parents babying you, he’s probably got some legitimate reasons for thinking so; he’s been observing it for 4 years, after all. This is probably a decision that has been weighing on him for quite some time, and he was hoping now that you’re older, you may see the need to live together first, like he does.

You guys need to figure out if this is something you can compromise on. Sounds like it might be a deal-breaker if you can’t work something out. 

Post # 15
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@forgetaboutme:  I think it would be a mistake not to live together before marriage ONLY to please your parents. But if you have your own reasons, based on your own sense of what’s right for you and your relationship, then he has to respect that and work with you on a compromise of some kind. 

I don’t think it’s fair for you to argue with the fact that his views have changed over time. A lot of people’s ideas about relationships change over the course of the years between 20 and 24. 

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