(Closed) SO wants me to move in with him but my family is against it

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My advice:  If marriage is important to you, don’t play house without an e-ring on your finger.

It seems to me like the compromise in your situation is to be agreeable to living together after becoming engaged. This gives him an opportunity to see what living with you is like before marriage while softening the blow for your family.

You should realize that once you live together, there is no longer an incentive for him to propose as he gets all the benefits that men see in marriage (i.e. division of bills, household chores, convenient sex, etc). If you’re tired of waiting for a ring, be prepared to wait even longer if not indefinitely.

Post # 18
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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@forgetaboutme:  Do you have a lot of friends your age getting married or do people in your culture get married young? If not, his hesitation could have less to do with you and more to do with him just not ready to get married period. Like PPs have said, people change a lot in their early twenties and his views on his ideal future may have also. While you may have been in the same page about your timeline for getting married and having kids, maybe he’s freaking out a little bit since it’s “the future” is coming up quickly. I hope I’m not trying to make you feel worse, I just don’t want you thinking he doesn’t want to be with you when that’s probably not the case. I hope you two are able to have a mature conversation about your future and why he feels this way! 

Post # 20
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He probably is worried about marryigetting or having cold fee about the engagement…..but that’s natural and I dont think he’s a bad guy for being nervous or scared.  He’s probably scared that if you get married and then move in together, what if you don’t get along. living together before marriage gives you a nice trial period to see how you work together i day to day life. seeing as how your family has very set ways in doing things he may be worried that your family will dictate the marriage too, and that’s a valid concern. Doesn’t make him wrong and it doesn’t make you wrong. Situations like this can get sticky and either really hurt a relationship or promote amazing change and growth with a couple dependingoin how it’s handled. 

I see both sides and agree with both sides on this. 

Relationships can’t be forced. He can’t be forced to get engaged and marry someone if he’s worried about family and not living together before marriage, if he doesn’t get that it could lead to resentment. You don’t have to be forcEd to move in before marriage if you don’t want to, if you are forced that can lead to resentment too. 

You will both need to come to a mutual agreement on this and both be 100% on the same page. When family get in loved I things can get messy and deteriorate quickly. 

Persoanlly though in my experience I would never marry someone I didn’t live with first. 

Post # 21
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

i wouldnt play house without an engagement ring. i also wouldnt use my parents as a reason but rather that its YOU that doesnt feel comfortable. sure u are choosing not to move in with him because of them but that is because you respect them and that is what YOU want to do. im sorry you are going through this. my so always respected this and even though he despirately wanted me to move in he admitted that we were together so much, traveled together, stayed at eachother places that he said he saw it all. we even shared chores at eachothers places like yard work and cleaning. i dont think he could have surprised by something. so it all depends on the dynamic of your relationship but i dont completely buy into the argument that u have to try living together first to make sure it will work. studies show it doesnt matter…living together before marriage or not living together have the same divorce rate. 

 

Post # 22
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think he’s absolutely right. Living with someone is VERY different than dating, and it’s where you find out if you can live with that person. Loving someone is easy. Living with them is the challenge. I’m also concerned that nowhere in your post did you indicate that you had any kind of moral or ethical dilemma about living with him. It’s just that your family would have an issue. If you’re not able to face your parents and say ‘this is my decision, not yours. Thank you for your input, but this is the choice I’ve made’, then you have absolutely no business even thinking of getting married. 

Post # 23
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Regardless, you should not move in together before you are married. I know a lot of people are telling you to do it, but statistically the number one factor for divorce is cohabitating (living together) before marriage. This study was conducted at a secular school, not a religious one incase you think there is some agenda. You can google it and read the whole thing.

Why is this the case? Wouldn’t you think living together before marriage would make it easier? Well, essentially you are playing married without actually being married. You are reaping some of the benefits of married life without being married. Its because there is no real commitment required of either person. At any point in time one of you can leave. If a man has hasitations marrying you because you won’t live with him first that is a HUGE red flag. Real love is not measured by living together before marriage but willing the good for the other person and sacrificing for them. My fiance and I chose not to live together before we get married and it has been a great blessing for our relationship. We are both really excited to get married and live together! It’s something we sincerely look forward to.

How anti-climactic to live together before you are married..it’s not nearly as exciting because you’ve already been doing all of the “married” things. What really changes after you are married? 

Stay strong! 

Post # 24
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

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@lovecacti:  +1000

Post # 25
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@

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lovecacti:  +1000

 

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@forgetaboutme:  he should be willing to compromise as well. He wants you to make all the compromising and not himself. Sounds like a manipulation some of the things he was saying to you. I would not move in without a ring and a date to marry.

be very careful with this. Check out the waiting board for some really sad stories. Many girls are waiting years and years and years after they move in for a proposal. The impetus to marry for their guy is gone.

 

Post # 26
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the living together after engagement compromise is a good one. I can see both sides here, but I think you do need to keep in mind that when you marry your SO that you are creating a new family together and will (usually) need to put him first. He may be concerned that your family ties will end up interfering with your married life (especially as far as kids are concerned) and so he might be putting you to the test now to see if you are willing to compromise with him for the sake of your relationship and risk your parents getting upset.

If this is a major concern for him then I think it is worth showing him that you are independent enough to take this step with him. But make sure that you have an agreed timeline (eg. engaged before moving in, married two years after that if all goes well) so that you’re both on the same page and you’re not left dealing with a partner who is eternally dragging their feet.

Post # 27
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@tara.gratz: It may also be that people who don’t live together before marriage tend to be more religious and are less likely to see divorce as an option. That doesn’t mean that their marriages are necessarily happier, just that they are some percentage less likely to get a divorce.

Post # 28
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I was going to say the same thing as PPs–seems like getting engaged prior to living together might be a good compromise, but you haven’t responded to that idea so I”m guessing that’s out.

I think what he’s feeling regarding your parents is normal. Especially since he’s not from your culture, where it’s common for girls to stay home and be heavily supported by parents until marriage, he probably sees what’s normal to you as “babying”. I doubt he means it in a horrible way. It’s not as common where I’m from and I definitely wonder what my friends who are 25 and never lived on their own are doing. Also, your parents paying for all your college and then giving you “gifts” like A CAR is incredibly fortunate, and if he’s swimming in student loan debt I’m sure he sees you with a great job getting a free car as too much. I’m sure there’s a bit of jealousy there, and maybe he thinks your parents are “buying” their way into you doing what they want.

That said, you seem to be very successful-a NP is an incredible job. So the fact that your parents helped you out with school makes sense that you would take their thoughts into consideration regarding your decisions. It’s also nice that you respect them enough to care what they think. But they don’t get to MAKE your decisions.

 

Post # 29
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@forgetaboutme:  I tend to agree with your fiance. Cut the apron strings and live YOUR life. 

Post # 31
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@forgetaboutme:  Being close to your family is normal, and that’s fine.  Gathering opinions from trusted sources, like your parents, is normal.  My point was that if your parents opinion matters more than your own, which you’ve just demonstrated, you’re not ready to get married. YOUR independent thoughts are what matter.  Not his, not your parents.  Yours.  If you’re still seeking approval from other people for your own life choices, you need to take some time, grow up and then think about marriage in a few years.  The proper adult response to a disapproving family member is “I”m sorry you feel that way, and I respect your opinion.  You do things your way, and I’ll find my own path” (or some such variation).  If you don’t have the ability to do that, then you’ve still got some growing up to do. 

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