Post # 17
My advice: If marriage is important to you, don’t play house without an e-ring on your finger.
It seems to me like the compromise in your situation is to be agreeable to living together after becoming engaged. This gives him an opportunity to see what living with you is like before marriage while softening the blow for your family.
You should realize that once you live together, there is no longer an incentive for him to propose as he gets all the benefits that men see in marriage (i.e. division of bills, household chores, convenient sex, etc). If you’re tired of waiting for a ring, be prepared to wait even longer if not indefinitely.
Post # 18
Do you have a lot of friends your age getting married or do people in your culture get married young? If not, his hesitation could have less to do with you and more to do with him just not ready to get married period. Like PPs have said, people change a lot in their early twenties and his views on his ideal future may have also. While you may have been in the same page about your timeline for getting married and having kids, maybe he’s freaking out a little bit since it’s “the future” is coming up quickly. I hope I’m not trying to make you feel worse, I just don’t want you thinking he doesn’t want to be with you
when that’s probably not the case. I hope you two are able to have a mature conversation about your future and why he feels this way!
Post # 19
Well im my extended family and family friends most people get married in their mid twenties. However out of our mutual friends, from university and work and such, none of them are close to marriage. It’s not even like I’m in a huge rush, I just want to get married for sure within the next 3 years. But I guess he might be realizing what marriage actually is and freaking out a little about his future. I just really hope it isn’t me
he’s apprehensive about.
Post # 20
He probably is worried about marryigetting or having cold fee about the engagement…..but that’s natural and I dont think he’s a bad guy for being nervous or scared. He’s probably scared that if you get married and then move in together, what if you don’t get along. living together before marriage gives you a nice trial period to see how you work together i day to day life. seeing as how your family has very set ways in doing things he may be worried that your family will dictate the marriage too, and that’s a valid concern. Doesn’t make him wrong and it doesn’t make you wrong. Situations like this can get sticky and either really hurt a relationship or promote amazing change and growth with a couple dependingoin how it’s handled.
I see both sides and agree with both sides on this.
Relationships can’t be forced. He can’t be forced to get engaged and marry someone if he’s worried about family and not living together before marriage, if he doesn’t get that it could lead to resentment. You don’t have to be forcEd to move in before marriage if you don’t want to, if you are forced that can lead to resentment too.
You will both need to come to a mutual agreement on this and both be 100% on the same page. When family get in loved I things can get messy and deteriorate quickly.
Persoanlly though in my experience I would never marry someone I didn’t live with first.
Post # 21
i wouldnt play house without an engagement ring. i also wouldnt use my parents as a reason but rather that its YOU that doesnt feel comfortable. sure u are choosing not to move in with him because of them but that is because you respect them and that is what YOU want to do. im sorry you are going through this. my so always respected this and even though he despirately wanted me to move in he admitted that we were together so much, traveled together, stayed at eachother places that he said he saw it all. we even shared chores at eachothers places like yard work and cleaning. i dont think he could have surprised by something. so it all depends on the dynamic of your relationship but i dont completely buy into the argument that u have to try living together first to make sure it will work. studies show it doesnt matter…living together before marriage or not living together have the same divorce rate.
Post # 22
I think he’s absolutely right. Living with someone is VERY different than dating, and it’s where you find out if you can live with that person. Loving someone is easy. Living with them is the challenge. I’m also concerned that nowhere in your post did you indicate that you had any kind of moral or ethical dilemma about living with him. It’s just that your family would have an issue. If you’re not able to face your parents and say ‘this is my decision, not yours. Thank you for your input, but this is the choice I’ve made’, then you have absolutely no business even thinking of getting married.
Post # 23
Regardless, you should not move in together before you are married. I know a lot of people are telling you to do it, but statistically the number one factor for divorce is cohabitating (living together) before marriage. This study was conducted at a secular school, not a religious one incase you think there is some agenda. You can google it and read the whole thing.
Why is this the case? Wouldn’t you think living together before marriage would make it easier? Well, essentially you are playing married without actually being married. You are reaping some of the benefits of married life without being married. Its because there is no real commitment required of either person. At any point in time one of you can leave. If a man has hasitations marrying you because you won’t live with him first that is a HUGE red flag. Real love is not measured by living together before marriage but willing the good for the other person and sacrificing for them. My fiance and I chose not to live together before we get married and it has been a great blessing for our relationship. We are both really excited to get married and live together! It’s something we sincerely look forward to.
How anti-climactic to live together before you are married..it’s not nearly as exciting because you’ve already been doing all of the “married” things. What really changes after you are married?
Post # 25
he should be willing to compromise as well. He wants you to make all the compromising and not himself. Sounds like a manipulation some of the things he was saying to you. I would not move in without a ring and a date to marry.
be very careful with this. Check out the waiting board for some really sad stories. Many girls are waiting years and years and years after they move in for a proposal. The impetus to marry for their guy is gone.
Post # 26
I think the living together after engagement compromise is a good one. I can see both sides here, but I think you do need to keep in mind that when you marry your SO that you are creating a new family together and will (usually) need to put him first. He may be concerned that your family ties will end up interfering with your married life (especially as far as kids are concerned) and so he might be putting you to the test now to see if you are willing to compromise with him for the sake of your relationship and risk your parents getting upset.
If this is a major concern for him then I think it is worth showing him that you are independent enough to take this step with him. But make sure that you have an agreed timeline (eg. engaged before moving in, married two years after that if all goes well) so that you’re both on the same page and you’re not left dealing with a partner who is eternally dragging their feet.
Post # 27
It may also be that people who don’t live together before marriage tend to be more religious and are less likely to see divorce as an option. That doesn’t mean that their marriages are necessarily happier, just that they are some percentage less likely to get a divorce.
Post # 28
I was going to say the same thing as PPs–seems like getting engaged prior to living together might be a good compromise, but you haven’t responded to that idea so I”m guessing that’s out.
I think what he’s feeling regarding your parents is normal. Especially since he’s not from your culture, where it’s common for girls to stay home and be heavily supported by parents until marriage, he probably sees what’s normal to you as “babying”. I doubt he means it in a horrible way. It’s not as common where I’m from and I definitely wonder what my friends who are 25 and never lived on their own are doing. Also, your parents paying for all your college and then giving you “gifts” like A CAR is incredibly fortunate, and if he’s swimming in student loan debt I’m sure he sees you with a great job getting a free car as too much. I’m sure there’s a bit of jealousy there, and maybe he thinks your parents are “buying” their way into you doing what they want.
That said, you seem to be very successful-a NP is an incredible job. So the fact that your parents helped you out with school makes sense that you would take their thoughts into consideration regarding your decisions. It’s also nice that you respect them enough to care what they think. But they don’t get to MAKE your decisions.
Post # 29
@forgetaboutme: I tend to agree with your fiance. Cut the apron strings and live YOUR life.
Post # 30
I understasnd his viewpoint I just don’t really agree with it. I know many couples who didn’t live together (including my parents) and have happy marriages. We’ve known each other for 6 years and usually spend around a lot of time together (I leave a lot of my things at his place). I don’t really agree that we need to or should live together. Also, my family is really, really against the idea, which I have always made clear to him. Perhaps I would be more compliant to live with him if it wasn’t for my family. However, my family is really important to me and I do care about their opinion. I have a very large and very close-knit family. Many of my cousins and siblings I consider my best friends and, although I don’t agree with everything they believe, I am really close to my parents. That’s not going to change in 5, 10 or 15 years. It might be difficult to understand if you didn’t grow in a family like mine I guess. I am thinking about the engagement compromise though. It’s something I’ll definitely talk to him about.
He talked a lot about the whole family interfering in our lives issue but the thing is he’s known pretty much the whole relationship about my family. I even invited him to family get together on our 3rd date. They are definitely a big part of my life and he does knows that. Alghough he has brought up how much I care about my family and their opinion at times in the past, I never thought it would be a problem until this whole moving in issue. Obviously I’m not going to let them dictate all the decisions I make, and when I have kids there are things that they did that I am definitely not going to do. But this is a pretty big issue for them and myself and I really feel like he is almost holding an ultimatum. The engagement idea is definitely something I’m considering. I have to talk to him about it first.
He definitely grew up differently than I. Before I started nursing I never really had a “real” job besides ocasionally working at my uncle’s business. He has had multiple jobs. Especially during our argument I could sense some jealousy or resentment and I feel like this might have been building up for a long time. We really need to talk through this because I don’t want it to affect our relationship. I have said when we get married I’ll start helping him pay off his remaining student loans. He really made me feel bad about my generous parents though. I am really greatful for everything they have done for me which is a big part of the reason of why I respect and value their opinions so much. By The Way I am DEFINITELY considering the idea of getting engaged prior to moving in. It’s something I’ll talk to him about. Although I really don’t think my family will completely agree with that, I think I would definitely prefer it to moving in with him without any sign of commitment.
Also, sorry for the excessive typos and spelling errors everyone! I’ve been typing on my phone and I have stubby fingers. 😛
Post # 31
Being close to your family is normal, and that’s fine. Gathering opinions from trusted sources, like your parents, is normal. My point was that if your parents opinion matters more than your own, which you’ve just demonstrated, you’re not ready to get married. YOUR independent thoughts are what matter. Not his, not your parents. Yours. If you’re still seeking approval from other people for your own life choices, you need to take some time, grow up and then think about marriage in a few years. The proper adult response to a disapproving family member is “I”m sorry you feel that way, and I respect your opinion. You do things your way, and I’ll find my own path” (or some such variation). If you don’t have the ability to do that, then you’ve still got some growing up to do.