(Closed) SO wants me to move in with him but my family is against it

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@forgetaboutme:  There comes a point where you need to decide what’s right for YOU. Regardless of what your family thinks. If you don’t want to live with him before marriage because that’s important to you, then that’s totally fine, but never make a decision regarding your life based on the feelings of someone else – especially when it won’t affect them (besides a moral opposition). If living with him is something you want, then go for it and don’t be pressured against it by your family. But if it’s important for you to wait till marriage, then don’t be pressured by your SO to do it sooner.

I do understand where he’s coming from. I think living together before marriage is a good thing (then again, I’m not overly religious) because you never really know just how compatible you are, or aren’t, until you live together. SO and I moved in last year after 6 years.

Post # 63
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As a swede I think its a bit crazy to get married to someone you havnt lived with. I have a hard time to understand those thoughts sense it not in my coulture (For example: I lived with my boyfriend for 3 yers before he proposed. We will get married this summer when we have been living together for 5 years and have a 1year old baby. My parents got married when I was 10.)

 

 

But with that said I think you should do whar feels best and right for YOU. regardless of your family and boyfriends opinion.

Post # 64
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

The debate about the benefits of living together before marriage is very interesting. The reasoning seems to be that people need to be very careful about who they marry and living together might help them make the decision.

But maybe we ought to be very careful about who we move in with as well. This was one of the points made in the New York Times article I cited in a previous post.

Maybe living together might help an engaged couple who give it a time limit to decide on compatibility. Maybe. Even that is open to dispute.

But consider what many people do today. They are dating, spend a lot of time at each other’s place, and decide it will be convenient and cheaper to simply move in. Months can turn into years pretty quickly. A woman who is independent, living in her own place, can end a relationship more easily, and has more options for meeting others who might be more suitable for marriage. But the woman who has “invested” years living with someone may feel the next step is marriage with that person. So it might push them to an unsuitable marriage, creating the cohabitation effect — a divorce rate that is actually higher than among couples who did not live together. Then there is the other side, the women who just casually move in with a man with no commitment or discussion of marriage from the man. They think that if it goes well, it will just evolve into marriage. But then they find the man never does have any interest in marrying them.

So, maybe we ought to view living together as a huge step to be carefully considered since it may have a huge effect on our lives.

 

Post # 65
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Honey2002:  Everything you posted, I cannot agree more. My parents aren’t prudish and have not had a problem with me vacationing together with Fiance even when I was 21, which to me is still a baby in so many ways, at least compared to now. They aren’t stupid and they don’t have these silly ideas about my being “pure” or things of that sort. I know a lot of bee’s would bash me and other women like myself and probably wonder why both Fiance and still live with our parents at our age. I will say this, we have been able to save up and buy a home by doing so. And buying in California, especially LA, it NOT cheap and none of our friends have been able to do so, yet. For us, this is a huge accomplishment and we are so excited to get married and experience what living together will be like. Maybe we seem immature, but I feel like our sacrifices are just the opposite. Honestly, there is nothing wrong with wanting to respect family. My Fiance can up and leave me anytime he wants to and can decide that he wants nothing to do with me. But my family, they’re always going to be there for me. They can’t get rid of me lol. 

 

OP – hope your talk went well! Remember to follow your heart, always!

Post # 66
Hostess
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Neither of you are right or wrong, you just have a difference of opinion. You need to talk it out together.

However, bringing your family into the conversation is not playing fair. This is an issue about your relationship that should be decided within the relationship. He has to be your first priority, not them. What happens if you do get married and your family really wants you to go on vacation with them but SO doesn’t want to? Are you going to say that your family will resent you if you don’t go? I hope not. Your decisions should be about you and your SO. 

It may make the conversation easier by offering your family as an excuse. However, that’s bad form in conflict resolution. You should really be telling him that YOU don’t want to live together.

Post # 67
Member
33 posts
Newbee

@CestTresJolie14


I totally agree about living with parents as a means to save money for the future I think its common here in American society to move out of the house when your 18 (for college or whatever) but with this economy I find that so many 25+ people are continuing to live with their parents as a means of saving money for the future and what not, and so many people bash this It boggles my mind! I think its one thing to live with your parents and sit around the house playing video games and doing nothing all day. But I find alot of people on the Bee cant understand why someone with a good paying job would acutally WANT to live with their parents/family? how about you love them?/dont want to live alone? People can understand you love your FI/SO/Boyfriend and you’ll live with him …but you wont live with your parents? to me thats strange.

And your absolutely right your parents will always support you emotionally and be there for you if you need them…but your boyfriend/husband? not so much. I would never completely disregard my parents opinions (unless they were totally crazy/strange) just to please a boyfriend/SO…and I believe a good boyfriend/SO would never ask you to make a serious choice about something that would cause strife between you and your parents.

 

Post # 69
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@forgetaboutme:  Great update and compromise. Good luck 🙂

Post # 70
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@forgetaboutme:  happy for you it’s working out. Have the wedding date set before you move in too. 🙂

Post # 72
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Honey2002:  Honestly, my parents are a ton of fun. They are the sort of parents who come home and will have a glass of wine or whisky and joke around, etc. I will miss a lot of things about living with them. But at the same time, at 27, I’m ready to move out. I actually dropped out of college at 20 and moved out. I worked 2 jobs for 2 years and found out how hard it is to make ends meet and also found myself in CC debt because of the economy. I worked off of tips and they just stopped coming in as the economy was not doing well. Fortunately for me, my parents encouraged me to come back home 2 years later to be a full-time student and not have to work. I basically started over and just finished getting my BA + teaching credentials so yeah, I owe it to them that I am here today. But everyone’s story is different. Not everyone has it the way I do, thus I would be a complete fool to expect everyone to be like me or feel like me or do what I do. To each her own, I say!

 

Post # 73
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@forgetaboutme:  I’m glad you have come to such a good resolution that you’re both happy with! That’s great news!

 

 

Since the issue appears to be resolved, perhaps this comment won’t be of much use, but as someone who lived with my FH before marriage and engagement, I have to say that I’ve found the use of the term ‘playing house’ and ‘buying the cow’ by previous PPs really quite offensive. I am more than a chattell to be submissively passed from man to man with my only value as making a house for him, and why is my relationship pre-marriage any less legitimate than my relationship with him post-marriage? What makes it “playing house” before a ring, instead of building the foundations for our future life? I am not a piece of livestock. It belittles my relationship, myself and my partner on so many different levels it’s unbelievable. Even if it wasn’t addressed towards my relationship directly, the implication is that that is the truth for all such situations, and it’s not kind.

 

 

You obviously need to do what you have to do to make yourself happy, and what will work for your relationship, but please don’t let phrases like “playing house” and “why buy the cow…” etc put you off making decisions based on phraseology that dates from the 50s. Base it entirely on your morals and your beliefs and how it will make you happy, and benefit your relationship with your partner, and not on soundbites that belittle everyone involved.

 

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