Post # 1
I mentioned this a couple threads ago, but my SO is not exactly the romantic type. He likes to snuggle, kiss, tell me he loves me, and thinks about me/my happiness all of the time. I on the other hand, am the type of person to show my affection through gifts and gestures. So we’re on opposite ends of the 5 Love Languages spectrum and it can cause some friction.
Most recently, I’ve been really wound up and exhausted. I started a new job on Monday after four months of unemployment, we’re moving in July, and I’m rather impatiently waiting for a proposal. My bday is also in a week and only 4 of friends are able to make dinner. So I’ve been trying to keep everything in, which only resulted in a sobfest to SO. He wants to try harder to do things for me without my prompting him (i.e. making dinner when I’m exhausted from work, remembering to do his chores, etc). Plus, with my bday coming up he says he has no idea what to get me.
It hurts a little bit to think he is supposed to be the one who knows everything about me, but can’t even think of a single present idea. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make him feel loved, and I can list things that I do for him to free up his time and make him feel special. I’m not trying to keep score, but I don’t quite know how to tell him what I would like him to do to make me feel more loved.
It took me 14 months to get flowers from him, and he bought them because the guys on his online baseball forum told him to do it. I always plan the romantic getaways, and though he pays he never plans our dates. When I mentioned putting a spending cap on Xmas presents he said “oh I guess we’re supposed to get each other gifts, huh?”. I love him to death but sometimes I just wish he’d do things without having to prompt him. :-/
Any advice? How could I bring this topic up with him?
Post # 3
@stace0616: My Fiance is so much like that! He’s very physically affectionate and loving, but when it comes to gifts and romantic surprises, not so much. And every girl loves getting a sweet card or flowers now and then.
What I did as far as gift-giving went was to let him off the hook somewhat. For example, for Christmas we were so overwhelmed with all the shopping to do for everyone else I told him I just wanted us to go shopping together for our gifts and forego the surprise. You know what he told me, “You are the perfect woman for me!” He was so happy, haha!
However, I also dropped some hints here and there when we first started dating (wondering why the heck my new boyfriend showed up empty-handed all the time, unlike some other guys). He said he likes the fact that I love romantic gestures but he’s not all that great at it. I didn’t get upset with him but I stated it clearly that I love things like that and it makes me happy. Eventually he came through with random surprise bouquets here and there. And he went all out on Valentine’s Day which was wonderful.
I think as long as we let them know how much we do appreciate all the nice, thoughtful things they do for us, but remind them that as “girls” we have the feminine need for an occasional romantic gesture. At least, a lot of women feel the same way we do. I’m a girly-girl, not a tomboy type. He now has come to understand what makes me really happy and he’s glad to comply. I also do the same for him in return – such as spend time with him at sporting events that he loves and I take part with him because it makes him happy.
Approach it as something positive to be added to your relationship to enhance it, and not as a negative thing or a complaint. Praise him a lot for the good things he already does and slip in there how much you love a certain type of flower. Don’t give up, most guys are “trainable” (haha) in this way. Rest assured that if he loves you he wants to make you happy. He’ll figure it out eventually.
Post # 4
unfortunately, sometimes prompting is what we need to do and eventually it becomes automatic. my Darling Husband is like this, he’s the worst gift thinker-upper I’ve ever met. I shopped for all our joint Christmas gifts for the now in-laws. He prefers to display his love and affection for me in physical gestures, like cuddling, though I did tell him I like little inexpensive surprises like flowers sometimes.
guess what he randomly does now and again? 🙂
our darlings need a little push once in a while. maybe when you’re out, point out a bunch of things that you like while you’re at the mall. who knows, you might get one of those things randomly or for a special occasion or birthday.
Post # 5
As our therapist told us. Some men just need to be hit with a frying pan to get it. So maybe being frank is the beat way. ” Honey you know I really feel loves when u do….” My love language is acts if service and that took some time for him to get but he tries bc it didn’t come naturally. Be patient as well and recognize when he tries even if he doesn’t get it right. Also our therapist said that its also your job to communicate what you need as well. So if ure feeling worn out say honey I would really appreciate it if you cooked dinner tonight I’m wiped out. Good luck!!
Post # 6
You’re telling the story of my life ha! My Fiance, wonderful, wonderful man that he is…is somewhat impaired in the gift-giving department. He is just oh so very practical in nature. To his way of thinking, getting me something useful is being thoughtful and caring. And it is! But I’m a very romantic creative person and also very independent, as in, if I *need* something I will get it myself. I want him to think outside the box.
He is getting better; he finally bought me flowers on our 4th anniversary, and he gave me a few non-practical things for Christmas (like a pair of red heels!)…but it’s taken time. I know you said you don’t want to have to prompt him but you might have to keep doing it for awhile, just because he doesn’t automatically think in that way.
Alternatively…could you talk to one of his friends or have one of your friends talk to him? Maybe if the prompting comes from a different source you won’t feel as much like you’re having to do everything.
Post # 7
He repeated his list to me last night (he’s going shopping tomorrow while I’m getting highlights):
-an engagement ring
-perfume…”like whatever they think smells good and stuff”
And then he asked me to make a cheat sheet for him on a notecard. So I’m thinking all favorite s are going on there + gestures that don’t cost a penny lol!