(Closed) SO wants to travel with female friend

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 107
Member
10016 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cafelatte:  Great news!  Thanks for the update.  Happy, happy.  🙂

Post # 108
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s not really about the female thing… if Fiance wanted to travel somewhere that was a big deal to me (italy or something) with ANYONE else and wouldn’t wait for me, I’d be furious. It being a woman would make it a little worse, because I’d feel awkward about them being alone together, sharing a hotel room, etc. but I’d be super upset either way. 

Post # 109
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I’m glad things worked out for you. It definitely is not ok for a man in a relationship to go on a trip alone with another woman, especially when you want to go.

Post # 110
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I disnt reqd through all the posts but…I guess the deeper rooted question is, “why does he want to experience Japan without you?”… If he knows you want to go, and it’s something the two of you want so badly to do together… Why does he feel the need to experience it without you AND with another woman! 

 

A guys weekend getaway is totally understandable… But that’s a significant trip. That’s not a weekend getaway up north, not a Vegas trip… Idk where u live but thats across the world to me.  My SO would never do that bc he would rather experience that with me than someone else. I would not “allow” him to do that with someone else but then again… Why on this earth would he ever WANT to???? We don’t even need to get into the fact that its with another woman. Stay strong!

Post # 111
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ok I read through the posts and you latest comment is still alarming to me… 

 

 

 He didn’t really mean the threat about taking away his financial help with my school expenses, but said he said it because he felt hurt that after the sacrifices he makes to be able to help me out, he thought I sounded very selfish when I said I would not be happy if he went to Japan. Like I thought, he only heard “you can’t go anywhere without me” when I actually meant “don’t go there and alone with another woma

 

He felt hurt after the sacrifices he made??? Bc u wouldn’t want him going across the world with another woman? Ok so when u have a baby u sacrifice your body to give you both a child… Does that mean ubc an up and leave for a couple weeks to travel across the world with another guy just bc you “sacrificed”…. Let’s not forget it was his final say so, his CHOICE to help you. You didn’t hold a gun over his head and better yet… If you get married are you always going to OWE him if he ever makes sacrifices for u? It’s called a relationship not ownership, it’s two sided. I know your excited about getting engaged but you need to really consider HIS selfish and somewhat controlling behavior. Soery, this is not ok. 

Post # 112
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I think many things have to be taken into account here.

1. Has you OH been friends with the woman longer than he has been with you?
2 Is this woman in a relationship?

If Yes is the answers to both questions then I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I was thinking of going travelig with my Best Friend, Liam. To Las Vegas. Liam is my first love. It was a difficult and powerful love. But nothing acutally ever happened between us. Do I feel the same way now? Hell no. Liam is my Dude. Just a hairy gal-pal. My OH knows my history with him. I don’t even think Liam is aware I used to be inlove with him. My OH says he would kick off with having me go traveling with Liam. Yet he goes traveling with his girl mates allllllllll the time. He has been friends with these women over 10 years and  they all have partners. I couldn’t care less. Is mine and Liams situation different from him and his girl mates. I don’t think so. But the point is, I didnt go becuase I respect my partners insecurities.

Your bloke should take into your feelings about this.

Hope your ok chick, stay strong xx

Post # 113
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Absolutely not.  No.

Post # 114
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re not being unreasonable, at all.

Even if my Fiance wanted to travel with a woman who was lesbian I can honestly say it would bother me.  When you’re in a committed relationship, it seems inapropriate to spend that much time with another woman.  The bottom line is that it’s one thing to have drinks with a female co-worker, or hang out casually with a female friend, but it’s quite another to go on an international trip with them and be with them 24/7.  I don’t think your SO has any intention of cheating on you of course, and is probably so innocent that he truly doesn’t understand why you would have a problem with it. However, you need to make him see the light in this case.  Just say that bottom line, you’re uncomfortable with it and find it inappropriate.  That’s really all there is to it. 

Post # 115
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

So I take back my earlier post after the last few weeks – I’d definitely have a problem with it!! Someone close to me went through a similar situation but it was her boyfriend traveling to a mutual friend’s wedding with another girl that he’s been “buddies” with for years. Guess what – they hooked up and my friend got the boot. I’m more and more in the camp of men and women can’t be “just friends” without one of the two having ulterior motives. 

Post # 116
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have not ready any of the replies but let me say one thing right now: 

NO WAY JOSE 

Sorry! 

Post # 117
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

No way I’d be ok with this. One of my friends had her ex fiance tell her the same thing, only to find out that he had been cheating on her with said friend for the past month or so. I wouldn’t do it. I have a friend who is 100% gay that my SO trusts, and even with him I wouldn’t vacation alone with him. So no, just no.

Post # 118
Member
26 posts
Newbee

This just seems a little strange.  If he knows you have your heart set on the two of you sharing this experience, why can’t he pick somewhere else to travel?  He was in Japan two years ago, it’s not like he NEEDS to go back right now.

In terms of needing a translator: I’ve actually traveled through Japan with friends, and though we only knew basic Japanese words/phrases, we had an amazing time and had absolutely no trouble figuring things out.  If he’s already been there, he has a general idea of what it’s going to be like and will probably be able to get around just fine.  I understand that it’s more fun if you travel with someone who really knows what they’re doing, but I personally don’t think it’s worth hurting the person you love.  

I think I would be upset and uncomfortable if I were in this situation.  It isn’t just that he’s traveling with another woman…some people are ok with that kind of thing, some people aren’t (for the record, I am not ok with it). It’s that he’s going on your dream trip with another woman without being willing to wait for you, and it’s also the fact that he is threatening to pull financial assistance.  Whether or not he funds your schooling is your business as a couple, but it’s kind of a bully move to use it against you.  All sorts of boundaries are being crossed here.

On a different note: Are you willing to compromise and maybe take a vacation a little sooner?  Before job hunting, perhaps? 

 

Post # 119
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@cafelatte:  

He’s the one being selfish. If he has to wait a year to travel to Japan, a country his girlfriend has always wanted to go to and he loves you, he’ll wait. Telling you he can’t wait and needs to go now, with another girl is just plain ridiculous. The fact that he could even have fun on a trip without you speaks volumes. I’d say no and if he goes, the relationship is over. And if he says ok to that, then that’s your answer. Next!

Post # 120
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would have a major problem with this. Not just that he’s going with a female friend, but that he isn’t going to wait for you and you want to go

Post # 121
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

No. Absolutely not.

He’s the one being selfish by not waiting. Why does he need a vacation so bad RIGHT NOW? Is life really that freaking hard that he needs a break in Japan?

Honestly, this would be a relationship deal breaker if he oontinued to push the point.

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