(Closed) so we had THE chat……..

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am so sorry hun, that sound so upsetting.  Was he saying he never wants to get married, have kids, and buy a house?  Or just not right now?

Post # 4
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You poor thing, that’s not a great chat – how frustrating. Do you mind if I ask how old you guys are? (since age/being young seems to be a factor)

Post # 5
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Sorry it didn’t go so well….I would be upset too….maybe he just needs a day or two to process the conversation?  Maybe you just caught him at a bad time,  it’s still sad though…sorry.

Post # 6
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

How long have you guys been together? And how old are you guys? Sometimes these things take time, and he may have certain milestones he wants to hit like graduating college and finding a good career before he is ready to consider marriage.

Post # 8
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Often men take longer than women to decide they are ready for the commitment and finality that marriage represents, even if they are perfectly happy and dedicated to the woman they are with.  I wouldn’t take it as a sign that he doesn’t feel the same way about you, maybe he just isn’t ready to be that “grown-up” yet.  Though you two have been together for a long time, you are pretty young so don’t get too upset that he’s not ready to be a married man.  I wasn’t ready to be a married woman, though I had been with my now fiance for years, until I was about 24.  I knew I wanted to marry him, I just didn’t want to do it yet.  I couldn’t give all the naggers (WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED??) any real reasons except I just didn’t feel like I needed to then or was ready to take the leap into that next stage of life.  Enjoy the stage you are in, once you are married it’s a new stage, a wonderful one (I hope! haha), but it is different.  You’ll never be back to this part of life with him again, so try to enjoy it while it lasts and don’t pressure him!  You will be happier knowing that he proposed when he was truly ready.  I know it’s easier said than done when you are so ready to begin married life and he isn’t, but try to make it a goal to only talk about it sparingly so you don’t drive him nuts :0)

 

Post # 9
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You both are still very young, so perhaps all of this talk about marriage and kids just doesn’t fit in regards to where you are in life right now. I don’t think your SO is saying he never wants to get married or have kids (unless he explicitly says so), but he is saying that doing all of this while you are not even in your mid-twenties is just not up his alley. I know you have been together for a long time, but you have also been together since you were teens — so circumstances are unique…you want to get married because it feels right after so many years, but you are still very young. I wouldn’t freak out or make any decisions about whether not not to continue the relationship until you are a bit older. You are unlikely to find a 22 year old ready to take such a big step!

Post # 10
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m sorry your chat didn’t go well, but not all young guys are like this. My SO is 20 and I’m 22 (gonna be 23 this month). We’re not getting married until two years from now, but we plan to get engaged by the end of the year. And bringing up the subject of the future didn’t scare my SO off, in fact he brought it up before I did about 6 months into us dating. I think the fact that he isn’t willing to even really talk about it at this stage would be a red flag for me. I mean you’ve been together over 5 years, he should have some vague idea of what he wants in the future at this point and should know if he sees you being part of that future or not. Maybe he won’t have the specifics down. But after that long of being together, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to him that you at least want to see where your future is heading.

Post # 11
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

“I asked him if i had a say in our future at ( all while still staying very calm ) and he said yes but he doesnt want to get married, have kids, or buy our own house. Whats a girl to do ?”

You have your answer.  If you want to get married, and he doesn’t want to get married or have kids, or buy your own house together, believe him.

Post # 12
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Anise:  +1

BIG RED FLAG. 2 red flags even

Post # 13
Member
646 posts
Busy bee

@lucy_smith:  This is a tough one. 1) You guys are young so his head might not be there but 2) you have been together long enough that he SHOULD know what he wants and should be able to have a conversation with you about your future. You deserve that much.

Weve all seen this guy…..the one that is happy just remaining in the same place. But if you want more, Im sorry to say, you might need to look elsewhere. After 5 years, if he is saying ” he doesnt want to get married, have kids, or buy our own house” and you do, he is not going to change his mind.

Dont let yourself stay in a relationship if he doesnt want the same. You will only live to regret your choice and to resent him.

Post # 14
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@lucy_smith:  21/22 is still young.  Darling Husband and I were 24/25 when we got married, and I know that he would probably have been better off waiting 3-4 years.  Men aren’t ready as soon as we ladies are, generally speaking.  Guys mature slower than girls – just a fact of life. 

If you don’t want to break up with him, I suggest you tell him that you want to revisit the topic in 6 months – 1 year.  If he still feels like he doesn’t want to get married anytime soon, but you still want to, then part ways. 

Post # 15
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@mrssoontobeh:  +1 exactly

I got married at 24 to a guy (he was 23) that really was not ready…but unfortunately he did not tell me till later! 2 years after being married be decided to have an affair with a co-worker and we were divorced. Listen to him! At least he is being honest with you! You have 2 choices…stay and be patient (may take years)….or to look elsewhere. But fortunately for you, you are still young enough to where the “pool” of men is still big and you still have plenty of time for children.

Post # 16
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

Oh sweetie, this sounds about right for a guy his age. I know that must HURT but this sounds completely normal and appropriate.

He has told you where he stands and it doesnt sound like you are on the same page. So, can you wait for him to get to where you are?

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