(Closed) SO with a drinking problem, what to do???

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

@beeinpain: I know how you feel. I also grew up with alcoholic parents. You said something that is the most difficult for anyone in that position to learn to accept:

Its so hard wanting to help someone who doesnt want it

Eventually you have to decide if it’s something you are willing to wait for and hope comes, or move on. Until he wants help, he’s not going to change. Challenging an addiciton only works if the one addicted wants to fight it and get better. I eventually cut my father out of my life because I was no longer willing to watch him drink himself to death. He lost his job, lost his kids, and eventually lost a bit of his health. He eventually realized that he was letting alcohol fullfill his life instead of his family and faith. He went to rehab and has been sober for a year, so I let him back into my life.

Only he can choose to fight his drinking problem, like only you can choose to stay or go.

I hope this helps a bit, feel free to PM me if you need to talk, I know what you are going through and it’s hard! Take care of yourself!

Post # 5
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry you are going through this! You are one tough woman and I applaud you on being grown up and considering many different view points on the issue at hand.

My only recommendation is not to bank you future on hoping that he will eventually fix himself up and learn to cope and behave differently. My insttinct is red flag, take a break w/ the relationship and think it through, but I know how much we love our men and imagine the best.

Im hoping some other Bees with experience with this issue can offer some great insight and personal experience!

Post # 6
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Just a few questions. Does he drink when he’s not traveling? Can he drink without overdoing it? Also, is drinking a social aspect to his job when he is traveling (although obviously not overdoing it)?

Just wondering if this (and the other time) are isolated incidents.

I totally understand where you are coming from though, especially growing up with alocholic parents. I hope everything is okay with him and this doesn’t affect his job.

Post # 8
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am sorry you are going through this.  You cannot help someone that does not want help.  I would have no part of this.  You cannot fix someone.  If he was willing to make a commitment to get help and end the drinking, I might consider working it out, otherwise I would take a break…  But youa re not the one to help him, he needs to want to help himself.

With my Darling Husband, he quit for several years.  His mother was/ is a falling-down-in-the-middle-of-the-day, saying-horrible-things, worst-I-have-ever-witnessed, full-on, given up, terrible alcoholic.  When I saw Darling Husband acting differently when he would drink (not that he ever even had very much- but it changed him for the worse- one drink of liquor would make him a different person), we- him mainly- decided to stop.  For several years he touched nothing.  Recently we started having a beer every once in awhile- he will not have more than 1 beer in an entire day and no liquor. 


Post # 10
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am not sure what the issue is, but I don’t see that he is having an issue, but that you are.  IMO, if he has a few beers when he comes home and likes to tie a good one on a few times over the years, I just don’t see that as an issue.  I see this as completely normal for a young man, shoot, even an older man.  You said that his family has past issues with this, but I don’t see in what you have said that this is the same situation.  His getting into trouble at work, well, that is just something that he has to deal with as a grown up man and you are taking on the role of baby sitter not girlfriend. “The next time he went away for work I started having him call me before bed so that I knew there would not be a repeat of the past trip” – this says mother to me and not girlfriend.

In all honesty, you may be projecting some of your past issues onto him or some of his families issues onto him.  This may not be the relationship for you.  You obviously have issues with his amount of alcohol, so you may need to be in a relationship with someone of like minds on the issue.  Sorry if this offends you in any way, but you asked for advice and this is my honest advice.

Post # 12
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think that TKSjewelry is being rude at all, I think that it’s hard for anyone to fully analyze your problem enough to give you advice without knowing you. With that said, you will inevitably get someone that does not cosign your POV since all of the facts are not there. 

To a certain extent, I do believe that you are probaby hypersensitive to his drinking, beeinpain, because you have gone through this already with your father. There is nothing wrong with that, but you possibly see things in a light much differently than someone who has never had that type of experience. While not constructive, TKS’s advice is not illogical.

I cannot gather from your posts whether or not you are right to feel that the drinking is a severe problem. I think it’s completely logical to read what you’ve written both ways. If you simply wanted support, than say so, but without that, please understand that people are going to offer advice that you may not like based on a single paragraph.

Post # 13
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Since it sounds like this is impacting you so much (and especially since you grew up with an alcoholic father), I would suggest, if you haven’t already, checking out Al Anon.  It’s a 12 step group for people who have loved ones who are alcoholics.  And what’s really the most helpful about the program is the fact that it focuses on helping you change you, since you can’t change anyone else.  And I think ultimately, whether or not your SO has a problem, it sounds like his behavior is impacting you.  And that’s what’s key.

Al-Anon has online support groups/message boards.  This link also allows you to find meetings in your area (in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico). http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html   

I’ve had experience with this, so if you want any more specific info/personal experience, just send me a message.  πŸ™‚  

Post # 14
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011


I have been posting here for a while and am a recovering alcoholic (1 year and 2 months sober).  I never did get smashed daily, but I did drink every day.  I didn’t hide it in the closet or get a DUI or kill anyone while drunk driving.  But my life was out of control in many small ways that were just getting worse.  Your SO knows that you know, and he’s most likely very aware that he has a problem but has no idea what to do about it.  He’s sick and won’t get help until he’s ready.  For an alocholic not ready to change their entire life, the drink is more important than anyone or anything else.  I agree with the other Bees that he will not be changing if that’s not actually what he wants.  If he slows downs on the drinking but can’t ever seem to stop, the odds are he’s addicted.  Think about what’s best for you in your life, and it can’t hurt to try going to Al Anon.  You are loved and supported!! 

Post # 15
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ok, I will say this, because I have been there. My husband’s mom’s side of the family are alcoholics, and its sounds like your bf is getting close to that. I think that you do need some time apart, but if he says he wants to stop drinking like that, then help him. If not, well then, you have your answer.

My husband’s uncle as been sober for 15 years, but only after years of being an asshole drunk and his wife threatening to leave with their 2 kids, who were small at the time. He got help, but for him to be successful, he had to stop completely. And he has. He can be around us drinking, and he is totally fine being around people who drink, and has no desire to drink ever again.

Hubs mom, on the other hand, does not think she has a problem, and we haven’t spoken to her in over a year. She is slowly killing herself, and the whole family finally said enough is enough, if she doesn’t want help, we won’t talk to her.  Its really sad, because she probably won’t live much longer. But again, you can’t help who doesn’t want help.

My husband went through a phase right after he turned 21, where he was going out and getting drunk all the time, and being down right mean. I finally got to a point where I wasn’t going to take it anymore, and walked away after telling him he was too much like his mother. We tooka few days apart, he called me and promised to stop, and he did. Now, he drinks, but hardly ever gets drunk, and is never mean anymore. We know what he has to steer clear of (he can’t drink anything but beer, wine, and clear liquor). Not everyone can be this way though, especially with the way alcoholism runs in his family. If all alcohol was a problem, then he woudln’t drink.

OP, please PM if you need someone to talk to, I know just how much alchoholism can destroy a family. ((HUGS))

Post # 16
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009



coming from someone who sees alcoholism run rampant in our families, yes he does have signs of alcoholism. now is the best time for him to stop, because it will be much easiser for him kick it.  Hopefully he can get things under control, before he spirals

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