(Closed) Social scene went from hero to zero after marriage-sad

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

Sunshine09:  There is one thing I don’t understand. Why have your friends started to turned their backs to your family? There must be a specific reason apart from cutting off social media. True friends don’t disappear in mass over major life-changing events.

Post # 17
Member
28 posts
Newbee

 I can’t imagine having a friend who’s not on social media. How am i supposed to reach out? Do you mean, calling? Ugh…

Post # 18
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think it really depends on the couple. I have some good guy friends with families who manage to make time to get together with the boys and their wives will have a girls night or trips. The friends I don’t see choose not to make the effort. I think this is a result of relationship trust issues though, maybe he or she did something to break that trust. Me and my fiancee have already told each other we want to maintain an active social life after the wedding and a child. Some couples are weird about doing things individually, some people don’t want to get together collectively as couples. In your case it just kinda sounds like a lot of the people you considered your friends were kinda dicks. I have four really good friends I’ve known for over 20 years and we  still care about each other enough to spend time out and be there for each other regardless of being married/engaged/kids/etc. 

Post # 20
Member
9278 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I haven’t read other comments here, but I think the “problem” is more having the baby than getting married (and I say “problem” because it’s not a problem at all, just what may have triggered this with your friends).

I’ll be honest — in my group of friends, we’ve lost touch with those who’ve had a kid because their schedules get super hard to plan around, and when all conversations with them end up dominated by baby talk, it makes it hard for us who haven’t had children yet to relate.

I’m not saying it’s right that that’s happened, and I do feel sad that we’ve grown apart, but I think it’s natural. You’ve entered into a new phase of your life and your old friends may no longer be able to find as much common ground with you.

Post # 21
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Sunshine09:  Thank you for not snapping on me when you responded to me. I was a bit afraid I was going to get a harsh response back from you lol. Um, I do understand your sad feelings on what your feeling. To be truly honest with you, I would probably feel the same way if I were in your situation. I honestly wish I had some outside friends myself. Feeling like a loner has been a cause of my depression I feel on a daily basis. I never really could understand why no one ever really wanted to be my friend(meaning where I had a true friend). I”m more of the quiet type. Again that comes from a lot of rejection I’ve recieved over the years by others including those I’ve tried to friend and it never turned into a true friendship. In my case, a lot of people seem to squirm when they find out that I have clinical depression, bp disorder and anxiety and it makes me feel like some worthless freak 🙁 
Despite the things I have, I’m a really awesome person, fun to be around if people really get to know me and sociable. So again I understand your pain.

I apologize about my b****y response to you. I really do apologize. I just wanted to let you know like I said that popularity isn’t everything. I’m sure you and your Darling Husband are great parents and love your DS dearly. How old is your ds if you don’t mind me asking. Fiance and I have a three year old son together and then I also have a 11year old and a 15 year old.

That being said, when the time is right a good friend hon will come along. I sure hope that’s the case for me as well. I would give anything to have 1 or 2 good friends myself.

Hugs!

Post # 22
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm I haven’t had this experience so I can’t really relate.  When I had a baby, I still maintained my social relationships by taking one night a month of “for friends” night out.  Most of my friends are busy with their careers, so for us, one night a month was enough to keep in touch, drink, catch up, etc. 

During out night out, we do karaoke, we drink, we eat at restaurants–it’s actually really fun.  We get to have our monthly thing without it ever getting in the way of family life.  What works for me is to limit conversation about my kids, make sure I participate in other topics of conversation, and to incorporate my friends in my family life–do in-home bbqs so they can interact with my family, go to musical events with my friends and my Boyfriend or Best Friend, etc. 

Life goes on, and the best way to keep in touch is to STAY in touch.  Friendships are relationships too, if you don’t reach out, work on it, it would stagnate like any other relationship!

My advice is to make new friends, try to get one  night out with your old friends, and just keep all aspects of your life balanced.  Remember, you are not JUST a mother and wife, you are also a friend and keeping that part of you alive and thriving will make you a better, whole individual. 

Post # 23
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee

Can you open a fb account just for keeping in contact with friends, no personal info, job info, pictures etc?

Post # 25
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sunshine09:  Then they weren’t your “friends” to begin with.  Sorry honey — but unless you and your husband did something extremly horrible to them or are extremly horrible people – then they were never really you guys’ friends.  

Post # 26
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Have you tried reaching out to them? Texting, calling, hosting a party or two, even sending a thoughtful card in the mail? They may assume you’re busy with baby and not want to bother you.

Maybe join a playgroup, or a neighborhood association, or a church or service group to meet new people? 

As an 85-year-old who still hangs out with her friends from high school told me the other day, “It takes one person to reach you. YOU initiate.” 

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