Post # 1
Hi Ladies…I’m a regular poster, but I’m using this account for anonymity. I have a question…if a family member of yours dies, does your SO go to calling hours with you? My great aunt passed away yesterday; although we weren’t that close these last few years (she was sick); we were close when I was younger. I’ve been with my Fiance for 4 years and getting married next summer; I think him going with me wouldn’t kill him. Am I being unreasonable? He’s only really complaining because he already had plans to go out with his mother and brother for his brother’s birthday; in which, I wasn’t even invited. Before the death, I told my Fiance that I was hurt that I wasn’t being included, so I got a “pity” invite. Really? What do you bees think?
Post # 3
Absolutely, he should be there.
Its not only a sign of support and respect to you, its to your family. Its one thing it it were a coworker, but as a member of your family he should be there no questions asked.
You go not only to pay your respects for the dead, but for the living and loved ones.
On the side- now that you are engaged you should always be included in family invites/functions (unless its strictly a “guys” thing IE brothers night out)
Post # 4
My great-aunt passed away last October. We were very close (she was like a mother to me), and Darling Husband was there the entire time. It’s a sign of respect and support, and I really appreciated having him there, even though he didn’t know her well and met her after her Alzheimer’s had gotten really bad.
I would have been LIVID if he’d whined about attending the wake and funeral because he wanted to go to some birthday party.
Post # 5
I agree that:
– you should have been invited to the birthday dinner
– he should accompany you to calling hours.
You are a couple now and should both act and be treated as such.
Post # 6
That’s what I thought. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being irrational. I know that I’ve been to many funerals as a kid and an adult, but not everyone has had to deal with so many deaths like I have. Because of this, without a doubt, I would go to (and have) any wake/funeral that Fiance had to go with. I think his mom sheltered him from deaths and he doesn’t understand the whole respect and support thing. When I told him to send a card to his best friend’s wife, after her grandfather passed away, he didn’t understand why.
Post # 7
Woooow…I just overheard my future Mother-In-Law giving my Fiance a really hard time for canceling dinner plans, because he decided he would come with me to the wake. Makes me feel like a witch with a “b.”
Post # 8
Sounds like you have bigger problems than your Fiance not wanting to come with you. And you most certainly are not a b*tch because you want the man you love with you to support your family. Geez louise.
Post # 9
@MissHelen:I know, right. How immature of his mother to act like such a victim; its a funeral…dinner can happen the following day. Especially since Fiance made up same lame excuse as to why he didn’t want to go to dinner on Monday, his brothers real birthday. FI’s mom didn’t complain about that, but she complains about a funeral. What’s wrong with people?
Post # 10
When DH’s grandfather passed away I certainly went with him to the base regardless of the fact I missed an important rehearsal as well as all of my classes for two days. I think he is being very unsupportive for complaining and his mother is rude. Darling Husband knows I don’t like being around his family for a long time but he also knew I was going to put up with it because I wanted to support HIM. He said I could stay home if I wanted but again, I wanted to support him and be sensitive to his mourning process (I strongly dislike funerals even of my own family).
I think even my own parents would have been shocked if I didn’t go with him.
Post # 11
Let’s put it this way – when FI’s grandfather was in the hospital 2 years ago, I was studying for finals in a hospital waiting room. His grandpa passed on Christmas Day, so the day after Christmas, where was I? Yep, at the viewing. The day after that? At the funeral. It wasn’t about me, it wasn’t even about us, at that point it was about respect for his family and him included.
His mom sounds like a nutjob, btw. She would probably be *livid* if you didn’t come if one of his family members died, or at the very least, talk trash about you. Some people are wacky and only think in terms of how it affects their family. Not that I know anything about that…(ahem)
Post # 12
And the thing is that Fiance will be over his mom’s house all day, working, so its not like she won’t get to see him today. She’s just pissed because now she doesn’t have anyone to go out with and drink. Seriously, she gets upset we can’t go out for a few drinks after we go to dinner with her on a work night. She’s an alcoholic, but that’s a whole different issue.
Post # 13
My Fiance came with us to my grandmothers funeral. He asked my dad if he could come also and the next thing I know it is 4:30 am and he is at my door with a bag ready to go ( It was a 4 hr drive). It ment so much to me and my family that he came, and it also helped ME when i just could not take any more.
He had midterms at the time and skipped them to go with me.
Post # 14
He should absolutely be there. That is technically his great aunt too now. And even so if anything for emotional support for you. Doesn’t matter that you were not that close, funerals are hard period.
Post # 15
i agree with jules..my Fiance came with me to funerals of people he never met! he said that they were important to me an thats all that mattered…i went to his great aunts and i had only met her 1 time before she died- its a matter of being there for the person in their time of need
Post # 16
He should absolutely be there as part of your support system if you would like him to be! I am dealing with a similar situation now as my grandma’s funeral will be any day now. SO and I have been together almost 1 1/2 yrs and plan on being engaged by the end of the year. Up until last night he had not met most of my extended family do to traveling distance. He let me know quickly that he will be by my side at calling hours through the funeral. He told me that it was part of our commitment to each other. He also had plans for the weekend but has put them on hold. My ex husband was the opposite. I had to nearly beg and plead for him to attend anything happy or sad with me where myfamily is involved. Many times wase would initiate an arguement right before we were to leave just so I would tell him to stay home. I hope your Fiance realizes what you need from him and steps up.