Some advice, seriously freaking out (long)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Im sorry bee. Getting over abuse and trauma takes a while and it sounds as if you are growing as a person. This is great. I do not feel that either of you are ready to get married. You are confused because you don’t seem to KNOW what you want. You cannot plan a life with someone else if you do not know yourself first. 

It sounds like he is frustrated with this also. What I would suggest is for you to pursue your dreams before you think about marriage. Do you really want to have your husband home, while you are in LA alone? Will this truly be the lifestyle you want?

It just seems to me like you need to discover what you want and need in life more thoroughly before you try to fit another person, home, marriage etc into it. 

cfbrides

Post # 3
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

The things you two don’t agree on are big ticket items (kids, where you want to live, etc). I’m not really sure what to say as far as advice goes, but he should be honest about what he wants instead of flip-flopping. If he really does want them and you not wanting them is a dealbreaker, that’s your answer. 

It sounds to me that you’re scared or marrying him in particular. I think if you found someone who was more supportive about your goals and moving to LA with you and traveling, you’d want them to be right there with you. It’s strange to me that you’re both ok with him staying back home while you move to LA alone. 

Post # 4
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

You got some really good advice on all this the last time you posted about it. I don’t have anything further to add. I think you already know what you need to do.

Post # 5
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You two just don’t sound compatible. In fact you sound even less compatible in this thread than you did in the last. Neither of you is right or wrong to want what you want but these are big things to disagree on.

You say you like to be in relationships but maybe it would be beneficial for you to be on your own for awhile. Do all these things you want to do and figure out what you really want in life and then settle down with a partner.

Post # 6
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think you’re about to get a lot of nearly identical replies telling you what you don’t want to hear. I hope you take them to heart.

This man is not for you. And you are not for him. The break up is going to hurt both of you so much, but it’s necessary, because it will give you both the opportunity to meet people who will be better for you. 

Imagine all of the things you want for yourself. The things that you’ll be proud of when you’re old. It truly sounds like he is going to be a hindrance to to those accomplishments. And that isn’t his fault at all. But it’s still a fact that he doesn’t want to move away, and that he leans towards wanting to be a dad — that is why you are not the right partner for him.

Bee, I so, so relate to “I don’t know if I want kids, and I don’t want to die in the place I was born.” When talking engagement, I also made sure my Darling Husband was clear on those facts. We’re now 1.5 years into marriage and our big move is planned for this summer. And neither of us know if we want kids, but have an agreement on how we’ll handle that in the future. There are men out there who are on the same page as you, too. But you’ll never find him if you’re married to a guy who is always struggling to be on your page but continually comes up short.

And finally, PLEASE take to heart the mere fact that you’ve been considering breaking up with him. I think that I can speak for everyone who is in a healthy marriage in saying that during our engagements, we never got held up in thinking we need to break off our relationships.

The break up will be painful, but you’ll heal. Do what you need to do.

Post # 7
Member
11643 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

cfbrides :  if these are your dreams, bee, live them.  Not everyone is driven to try but you seem to be, so do it. 

you’re not ready to get married or be engaged, and there are other issues with this guy possibly not being in the same page as you re kids. Don’t feel guilty about it- this is who you are. 

Be true to yourself and be honest with him. 

 

Post # 8
Member
2218 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

cfbrides :  

So there’s this thing called the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

 

It’s basically the idea that just because you have put a lot of time and effort into something, that you have invested SO MUCH, that you can’t just walk away, or it will all have been a waste.

 

That thinking keeps people in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad living situations… But it is a fallacy There is NO guarantee that by continuing to put time energy into something, that it will end up being the right thing.

 

You have spent your entire adult life with this person. You have used him as a crutch and shield against the larger world while you tried to sort yourself out. Unfortunately, most of the hard and profound work of growing and healing is best done when you are on your own, and not focusing on a relationship. So, you haven’t been able to give your all either to healing OR to the relationship and BOTH have been short changed.

 

You need to stand up, take responsibility for your future, and let this go. Give him the freedom to move on with someone who wants the same things he does. Give yourself the space to get to the real and difficult process of recovery, which you have been avoiding – whether you can admit it or not.

 

Break up. Move. Find a therapist. Set both of you free, at long last. Find out who you are, and let him find someone who can give him the happiness he deserves. Give yourself permission to stand on your own two feet and feel how empowering and liberating that can be.

Post # 9
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You deserve to be happy and live out your dreams.  You deserve to be at peace.  Once you make the right decision for your life, whatever that may be, you will be at peace and know within yourself it is the right thing.  Marrying the wrong person is not ideal but it happens (been there, got divorced, happily remarried now).  Since you are wisely doing so much soul-searching in advance you seem to already know in your gut that marrying this man is not the right thing for your life.  

You don’t have to be perfect, you are allowed to make mistakes.  You seem to be really hard on yourself.  My heart goes out to you for the abuse you’ve suffered in the past.  You have been in a time of healing during this current relationship but it may be time now to let it go and blossom on your own.  I really wish you all the best.

Post # 10
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee

While you’ve grown so much individually, it sounds like he’s at a place of contentment in his life and you’re still blossoming and exploring the world. I would encourage you to move and travel. Otherwise, your dreams may not happen and that could build resentment on your side. 

Him resenting you about sex is not okay. You suffered so much in the past and it sounds like you’ve made some amazing progress. He should recognize that and help you heal. He can take care of himself if need be. Honestly, I’d leave him just for the sexual resentment comment. 

Post # 11
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee

Nothing in any of your updates changes my answer from one of the first threads – you aren’t compatible and want different things.  All this update does is point out even MORE WAYS the two of you are incompatible besides the want/don’t want kids debate.  You’re just spinning your wheels trying to force the other into making enough concessions to be ok with the incompatibilities instead of moving on to seek compatibility.

Post # 12
Member
1950 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m so sorry. This sounds miserable. It’s very clear from your post that you and your Fiance love each other. However, that is not enough to make a relationship last. It’s certainly not enough to make a marriage last. You’re not compatible. You’re both trying to compromise on things that are hugely important to you to make the other person happy, but in the process you’re giving up too much and feeling unhappy yourselves. You need to end this, not because you don’t love him, or because he doesn’t love you or isn’t a good man, but because neither of you will be happy long term. He wants kids; you don’t. That is huge! That is not an issue people can compromise on if they truly want kids or don’t want kids. Whoever loses out on that will resent the other, likely leading to divorce. Sex is a large component of relationships too. If either of you is frequently not satisfied with your sex life, that is likely to lead to divorce.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but you both need to cut your losses. Now. These huge issues between you are not going away. And the two of you trying to force this to work, even if your intentions for it are good, will not end well in the long run.

Post # 13
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you’re mature enough to get married, and definitely not to him. He’s almost 40, he wants to settle down. You want to move to LA and get into the film industry like 1,000,000 other people. Let him go.

It sounds like he knew you were unsure about your future when you were younger, so he definitely knew what he was getting himself into. But you’re just not compatible.

Post # 14
Member
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I honestly think it’s time to end the relationship and move on. It sounds as though you’re hanging on to what is comfortable, but you guys are just not compatible. You want different things in life. Like someone else mentioned he’s almost 40 and is ready to settle down and you still have a bucket list of things you want to do – including moving away. 

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