- 2 years ago
- Wedding: January 2020
So hi bees I need your opinions and advice.
A little background about me I’m 27. I’ve been in three (serious) relationships in my life, one which I was emotionally and sexually abused for three years. I became very sexually closed off after this relationship. I didn’t really like or want sex ever, and when I did have sex I ususally had to be the one to intiate it because otherwise I felt a bit nervous or weird.
I’m now with a wonderful guy who treats me very well. He is 11 years older, 38, than me and we’ve been together for 7 years. For the first 5 years of our relationship I was still sorta sexually closed off and unsure of things. We broke up for about 6 months and I came to a lot of realizations and got more comfortable in my own skin. We got back together and things got better for a while and then sorta faded for us sexually, but emotionally we were in a great place.
Well, over the past year I have matured and grown a LOT as a person, both emotionally, sexually and just–realy in general. I got my own house, got a decent full time job (not in the field I want but for now its okay) I grew more comfortable in my own skin; I realized how much I crave orginzation and planning things and having my life in journals and laid out for me to look over. I realized how much I need my friends and need to be around people a lot. I also came to realize what I want and need sexually.
So back to my fears. My fiance proposed to me at the end of November and it was sorta a mess. I found out beforehand he was going to and I knew I needed to talk to him about what I was dealing with and realizing. So I had a list of stuff we had to talk about before we came to terms with if we were going to get engaged. ( 1. I want to move to another city before I’m 30. I do not want to live in die in this place 2. I need to travel internationally at minimum once a year 3. I need certan things sexually and 4. I need the freedom to say “I’m never going to have kids” and not be resented for it) We came to an understanding on most everything. For two weeks he was great with the sexual stuff, now its faded and back to how it was before, and then the kids thing–For a month he stuck to his guns saying that “if we traveled and had experiences then maybe I wont want them” which still, to me, sounded like he wants them and is just hoping i’ll change my mind about kids.
We’ve had many discussions about all of this since getting engaged. I’ve told him I don’t want him to resent me for not giving him kids, to which he’s said. “Well, I don’t think I would but we’ll have to see what happens and hes told me “I dont think i’d resent you for that, but I do resent you for sex.” to which i was like ?????? and he explained that my unwillingness to have sex at times makes him resent me because he has to push for it. (He knows about my past trauma so this hurt. Like–I’m sorry my trauma makes me weird about sex sometimes and I dont wanna be touched and I want to be the one to initiate it or i feel freaked out sometimes…not all the time but sometimes) Once he told me “If this is a deal breaker then yes I want kids” and held out his hand for the ring back. (so thats on my mind a lot too)
Now, a month later, he told me he “doesn’t need kids, and I’d be fine without them.” He also told me he ‘supports’ me going and moving to LA because he’s “tired of me stringing him along with this whole will she wont she move out there” thing. He finally seems like hes sorta supporting me in my dream to go to LA, my unwillingness to have kids and has offered to take care of things back here at home while I try my hand at LA.
You would think this would mean I’ve gotten everything I want. I should be happy.
But I’m not feeling it. I’m still feeling so confused and unsure of myself and where him and I stand. I wont lie to you bees, I’ve felt very close the past month to ending it all, not just the engagement. I’ve cried a lot, I’ve talked to my friends, my therapist ect. I refuse to be the person who holds him back from kids if thats what he wants. And I need support emotionally for my dreams. He’s told me he thinks I’m deflecting, that I’m not actually so worried about the kids part but about marriage in general. Which at first had me confused and a bit offended, I’ve always liked weddings and I’ve worked 100s of them, i’m not a commmitmentphobe (all the relationships I’ve been in before are a year or more, at minimum) I love being in a relationships. But now, the more I think about it the more I wonder if I’m ready to get married. I want to travel the world, I want to move to a big city and try to make it in the film industry (writing particularly, but art direction as well). He on the other hand, does want to travel, but he’s not gung-ho about moving, he’s not the most supportive about me and film but hes at least sorta supportive. I don’t know if I’m scared of getting married, or just married to him. I’m not sure about–well anything anymore.
I guess I just sorta needed to vent and maybe get some advice from bees who have been through similar situations.