Post # 1
Some days, like today, I really struggle with how long our engagement will end up being. We have been engaged for nearly four years already, originally planned on getting married in July of this year, but now looking at early-mid 2017. I don’t even know if that will happen, given how much we have left to get sorted before we get married. I don’t regret when we got engaged exactly, I had recently graduated from my BA and was studying for another degree (which was originally an undergraduate degree but I changed to a graduate degree), plus I had a casual job in finance and Fiance was working full time (although not enough to support us).
Then shit hit the fan, I had multiple breakdowns, got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, then with bipolar a year later. The finance department no longer had work for me so I was out of a job. I missed a lot of university, failed several subjects, and then just took a year off. I am going back next year to finish my graduate studies, part time. I only reentered the workforce three months ago, but not in a paid role. I volunteer as a receptionist one day a week (although with how busy we are I might be more for a little while).
Fiance is still working the same job, full time, he works very hard and it can be very challenging at times if there are a couple of people off. He is interested in pursuing some sort of online study next year. I am still applying for paid roles, and I hope I find something. Much as I love my current position and want to stay there even after finding paid employment, I need to find a paid position!
Not to mention we each still live with our parents, and his younger sister and my younger sister are already moved out of home. Of course before we move out I want to be able to afford all medical bills, transport bills, everything on our own so we don’t have to get parental assistance like our younger siblings do. But that will take a large income which we currently don’t have.
Just having a really hard time with it at the moment, especially when it comes to telling other people how long we have been engaged and I get the funny looks, comments, or in the case of a receptionist at my optometrist – laughter! Just looking for support.
Post # 2
Jacqui90: Why does anyone need to know how long you have been engaged? They don’t. Tell them you got engaged 3 weeks ago! And it only matters how long you’ve been married 😉 The longer your engagement, the more solid your marriage is likely to be, because you’ve been a solid support to each other through thick and thin. Best Wishes!
Post # 3
creativeplannertobee: I am an oversharer I guess. Thank you for your comment, that helps! 🙂
Post # 4
- Wedding: January 2017 - Southern Highlands
I think it’s really important to remember everything you’ve been through during your engagement. I have never had a mental illness, but my FH has had depression and I am studying psychology, so I know quite a bit about it and it can really put your life on hold for while. The people reacting to how long your engagement has been don’t know the whole story, and you should try to not take it to heart. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can to get back on track and working hard to afford to live independently, which is great.
What kind of wedding are you looking for? One option you could consider is an elopment type if wedding (like a registry wedding with a couple witnesses) once you can afford to move out together, and then have a bigger celebration on an anniversary to have all the guests you want, etc. My cousin did that – she’s been married since February but celebrating her wedding in Hawaii in a few weeks because of financial reasons and because her husband is American and needed an Australian working visa (they are both living in Australia right now) which he had some trouble getting, so being married made it easier. They just coudln’t afford the ‘proper’ wedding yet so they delayed that part. So of course it is up to you and what you are comfortable with, but that is one way you could at least be married and you can still have a proper celebration down the track when you can afford it.
Post # 5
miroch52: That’s one thing we don’t have to worry about, the cost of the wedding. My parents have said that they expect to pay for it (obviously within reason) and my Future Mother-In-Law has already said that she and Future Father-In-Law would want to pay half. If I had that cost to worry about too I don’t know how long the engagement would end up being! I am very lucky in that regard.
Yeah that’s true, the people I tell in real life only know what I tell them, so in the cases that bother me, that’s the length of engagement and nothing else. Thank you.
Post # 6
It sucks that you feel judged, and I can understand how overwhelmed you must feel. But there is nothing wrong with a long engagement, especially considering all you’ve had to deal with lately. Nobody gets special points for having the perfect length engagement; if you’re going to be together for a lifetime, none of this will matter in 10 years. Focus on getting your life stable and don’t worry about what people think.
Post # 7
peridot456: Thank you, the length of engagement is such a drop in the bucket compared to how long we will be together overall!
Post # 8
I say this with kindness because I know you have been through a lot…please don’t think you need everything “just so” and in order to get married. It sounds like you want everything just so and life unfortunately does not work that way. I married my husband when my job was insecure and he had just started not-awesome temp work (which he is still doing to this day until he starts his new job in January).
Do you absolutely need to finish your graduate studies right now? Can they go on the back burner for a year or two more? If you put off the graduate studies and work full time for a stint, then you may find moving out/a wedding will be easier to save up for. I can only imagine how frustrated you are with the length of your engagement. I can definitely understand wanting to get your depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder under control…however life can throw us curveballs, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to delay getting married by that many years.
Post # 9
ljm308: That’s why I took the year off, so I could work (although part-time, rather than full-time). But still haven’t got a job.
I have to finish the current degree by the end of 2017, and the extra four courses I would have to take to complete my Masters I have to do by the end of 2019.
I am open to not finishing my studies before getting married though. My current degree, if I do part-time (which I plan on at least at first) I will finish mid 2017, right around when the current wedding date is. Then the Masters would be end of 2017 if I did full-time, 4 subjects in one semeser, or mid 2018 if I did part-time.
So I am definitely happy not being finished university when we get married, but I definitely need a job (even just part-time as long as it is paying enough) and be moved out before the wedding!
Post # 10
I dunno OP, I know you said money isn’t the reason you are waiting , but you don’t really mention a good reason for waiting at all. Just get married. You love him, he loves you , a nice little elegant wedding with just the closest people .Lovely, and could be organised in a matter of months.
Post # 11
Couldn’t you use the money your families are prepared to give for your wedding towards setting up your new home together and then have a small, inexpensive wedding now so that you are married. Like a PP said, you love each other and want to be married, just do it.
Post # 12
But you’ve accomplished so much! Well done you. I have battled some mean depression and anxiety, and I know how hard it is to come back from that. It’s hard! So give yourself a beak on that front. As for education and marriage, I genuinely believe you’ve done the right thing in wanting to be secure before you tie the knot. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with long engagements. I admire them, I think it’s pretty special to be so prepared for marriage, and it’s a lovely time. I understand your frustration though. I’d think about getting married sooner for that reason. If money isn’t the issue, then getting wed and going through a rough year or two finance wise together won’t be such a bad thing. It may even be beneficial to your relationship/marriage.
Post # 13
Sorry if my comment made it seem like money isn’t an issue. Money for the wedding isn’t an issue, but money for living everyday and bills, etc is. Money is definitely an issue in that regard, we need to be working and have money to move out. I don’t want to rely financially on our parents at all when we move out of home, not even for the occasional medical bill. So we need enough income for that, and that requires us both to be working paid jobs.
Someone suggested taking the money our parents would spend on the wedding and use it to move out. I think someone has suggested that in the past. Firstly, that is money they would pay directly to wedding vendors I think and there is no specific amount discussed yet, and I don’t think it would be a lump sum they gave to us. Secondly, I don’t want my parents to have to support us financially when we move out, which is what they would be doing if we did this. And finally, what happens when the money runs out if we don’t already have jobs? We would be screwed and back where we are now, except married.
So in a way it does come down to finances, but mainly our living situation.
I think I am just feeling deflated because of a friend from primary school (who I don’t see anymore, just on Facebook) got married yesterday. He got engaged I think early this year. Jealousy has reared its ugly head!
Post # 14
Have you considered getting a part time job as a server? Most places will work around the schedule of a student and you can make bank. I would make at least $150-200 a shift working at a sports bar. Great for paying off bills and saving up a nest egg for your future.
EDIT: Never mind, I see this was recommended in your past threads and rejected. Such a shame. Good luck OP.
Post # 15
There are other jobs like cashier or bar work. They often need staff! Or a bank teller. Get someone from your uni to help with your cv so it’s nicer and more polished