(Closed) Some needed advice, do I stay or do I go?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
320 posts
Helper bee

Ouch! First of all a huge HUG for going through this shitty situation. Having just come out of an abusive relationship, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. This man is like a fishbone stuck in your throat – you can’t swallow him nor spit him out. 

Although a proper diagnosis can only be done by a specialist, your man shows definite narcissistic trends. There are some tell-tale signs present in your relationship – at first it is too good to be true, then the moment he comes emotionally close to you he needs to extricate himself from you. And that is where the discard and devaluing starts. Most likely he has a fragile self-image and therefore needs an ego supply from somewhere. Right now, you are providing it. He put you in a cage and forgot all about you until you made attempts to escape the cage. 

The first thing you must remember is, his affection should be unconditional – not incumbent upon events like you cooking, cleaning, forging a relationship with his daughter etc. He is only using you – he loves the fact that you are there to jump through the hoops for him and it gives him a narcissistic high. Unfortunately, even his daughter is showing signs of this disease. 

Advice to you? If possible ask his ex-wife about him and the reasons for their divorce. These men have emotional patterns that never change. Is he obsessed with his rank and status? Appearance and clothes? Likes to talk only about him? Gets bored when you try to talk about yourself?

Whether you should stay or go is entirely your decision. But if this man really is a narcissist then don’t expect any love, support or empathy on his part. These men cannot empathize with others because they do not feel real emotions like you and me. They only pretend to have emotions based on what they see around them. Also, the moment everything starts going well for you, he will start treating you like trash. He hates himself, and he hates you for loving him. 

If you can deal with all this for the rest of your life then stay by all means. But lower your expectations. In fact, with these men, it is best if you don’t have any expectations at all. 

Post # 4
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@happy4me:  It sounds like he wants all the perks of being with someone his daughter’s age, but won’t commit.

I think you should get out. There are red flags all over the place. He doesn’t stand up for you, he doesn’t look like he wants to commit, he isn’t that affectionate… it just sounds like he has baggage that he isn’t trying to deal with.


Post # 5
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think this is a case of “when people show you who they are-believe them”.

For the majority of your relationship he has not given you what you want and need, despite the fact that you have clearly communicated it to him. He only gives you what you ask for when he has to ie: you are going to leave.

The guy who doesn’t show affection, etc that he is 99% of the time…is who he is. You need to ask yourself if that is something you can live with, or not. And if the answer is no, then there is your answer to whether you should stay or not.

Good luck.

Post # 6
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

You’re 24, he’s 40 and he’s your boss plus he’s a dick.  What more do you need to know?  Staying means you are approving of the situation you are in which is s#itty to say the least.  Of course, he’s romantic when you say you’re going to leave, what 40 year old wouldn’t want a hot 24 year to parade around?

My advice is to find another job pronto and leave this guy ASAP.  You are 24 and trust me there are plenty of guys closer to you own age that will love you for who you are and not have as much baggage as this guy obviously has.  And don’t go to your other ex again.  Be independent, it’s sexy and good men find independent women attractive.

I dated older men my entire life (one was 13 years older and I married a guy 8 years older who had a kid.)  An age gap is not always important but you met when you were approximately 20 and he was a 36 year old divorcee with three kids.  You never really got a chance to experience being a 20 year old with  the fun and carefree lifestyle that goes with it because you’ve been at home playing house with daddy and his kids.  I hate to break it to you but don’t think for a second that the moment you start looking older and/or his kids finally get out of the house that he won’t be looking for someone even younger who will put up with his crap without questioning it.

Post # 7
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Go go go go go go go! This has so many red flags even without getting into the whole age difference and boss/employee thing. He has been given too many chances and he has wasted them all. Do not waste you time with someone who cannot give you what you need. My sister is in a largely affectionless marriage for 14 years now. They love each other in their own weird way, but she is unhappy and they are too codependent to end it. It sounds like he may not be up for having kids either and if you want kids now, you’ll only want them more when you get older. I think it’s beyond selfish to not be honest with you so you can make an informed decision about the rest of your life.

The rest of your life!! He has shown you what that would look like. Do you want that?? Affection will never come naturally to him and for him to put conditions on giving it to make you cook nightly etc is absurd. I hope you’ll realize just how absurd when you find a true partner. I would leave for good if I were you and move on. You are still young. And try being with someone completely new. Not your ex, and certainly not this guy. Who cares about deposits and invites when your future happiness is at stake. Sorry for being so black and white with this but it just sounds like bad news.

Post # 8
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t see a problem with the age difference, but I do see a very big problem with the employer/employee angle.  He’s only ever known you as a subordinate. He’s never seen you as an equal, and it shows in how he treats you and how he lets his kid treat you.  I would never have gotten into this relationship in the first place, but now that you’re in it, I think you need to get out of it.  Once someone sees you as having a lesser “status” than they do, it’s extremely hard to change that perception, and if he’s not seen you as an equal after 4 1/2 years, chances are, he’s not going to magically start doing that.

Post # 9
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@fishbone:  Nailed it! Agree with you a 100%

Post # 10
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I see major red flags here.  First, you have been unhappy enough to leave more than once.  Second, his willingness to work on things seems contingent on you giving him what he wants/needs but he’s not doing the same.  Third, he allows his daughter to treat you with disrespect.  She’s her own person and will ultimately do what she wants, but I see it as HIM disrepecting you to allow her to behave that way without consequences.

I think if you really want a long term future with this person, and his children, couples and family counselling is necessary to work out some of these issues.

Post # 11
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@beachbride1216:  ” You’re 24, he’s 40 and he’s your boss plus he’s a dick.  What more do you need to know? “

YES!  The first two things are definitely red flags but sometimes love conquers age and power differences.  BUT, he’s also a dick to you!  I can’t think of any good reason for you to stay in this relationship.  True love should not be this unpleasant and hard.

Get out while you’re not legally bound to this asshole!  You’re still so young – you will find someone who respects you and treats you like a princess.

Post # 12
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He will never change.  You should get out while you can, before you are married and have combined finances.  My ex husband and I were together for 15 years and everything was combined and in both of our names.  What a mess that was to split everything out.  Go find someone how appreciates you and respects you.  In a relationship/marriage both partners should put forth 100% and it doesn’t sound like that’s happening in your case.

Post # 13
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

i got less than halfway into this post before i decided on the “go” option.  this is way too much drama and stress in your life & doesn’t seem worth it

Post # 14
1611 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

The daughter won’t respect you until he does. This man sounds like he has deep personality issues. He is perfect on the surface but there is no deeper character. I would leave and find someone who can have a real committed and loving relationship. 

Post # 15
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I see alot of people bashing the age difference, honestly I dont think thats the problem here. He just sounds like hes a dick, stuck in the mentatlity that he is your superior and you do things for him and he doesnt have to do anything back, even after you tried to leave. I agree with Aquababes ask his ex, cus men wont change and will fallow patterns. He hasnt treated you fairly so far and I doubt it will happen..Im sorry hun but if you want to live a happy life id suggest getting out and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated all the time. Not just when he has to, good luck <3

Post # 16
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

trust me, he will never change.  his emotional and romantic behaviour sounds like my ex.  i spent wasted 8 years hoping he would change.  he only gave me the attention i wanted and needed when i threatened to break it off and then it only lasted a day or so.

they don’t change.

if he is not exactly what you are looking for; exactly what you want; exactly what you need; exactly what you deserve, get out.  stop pretending and wasting your time.  trust me, you will be so much happier when you find the right man.

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