- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Since its against the TOS to post links to other threads or mention specifics, I’ll try to be as vague as possible – but over the last week, this has really stood out and bothered me.
If a woman posts that her SO is reading her emails, tracking her wherabouts, interrogating her on where she has been and who she has been with, telling her to stay away from male friends, coworkers, etc – there is a chorus of posters angrily (and rightfully so) condemning this behavior, suggesting couples counseling, suggesting breaking up, and in some cases saying that the man is abusive or bordering on abusive.
But when a woman posts that SHE is reading her SO’s emails, tracking his whereabouts, interrogating him on where he has been and who he has been with, telling him to stay away from female friends, coworkers, etc – while there are always a handful of rational voices, there are an equal number of posts not only justifying this behavior, but sympathizing with it, and defending the woman from anyone who even dares to suggest that this is not normal behavior.
If a woman posts that her SO has struck her or called her vicious names, there are 100 posts with 5 minutes (again, rightfully so) telling that woman to get out of the situation immediately, not to look back, and to get help as soon as possible.
But when a woman posts that SHE has slapped her SO or called him vicious names, she is told things like “everyone has a crazy moment” and “as long as you’re sure it won’t happen again”. Maybe some will suggest counseling, but never an equivalent reaction. In fact in one post someone even responded with something along the lines of “uhhhg, if he did X I’d slap him too!”
Domestic violence is domestic violence. Why the huge difference in reaction?
And when it comes to the cheating thing, a lot of men are stuck between a rock and a hard place. When they are in love with a woman who is so insecure that she views every other female, hobby, or any activity not involving her as a threat, he can either slowly lose his identity and independence, or come up with creative ways to continue to do what he wants – which ends up providing “justification” for the partners controlling behavior. The “I trust him I just dont trust other women” thing is also an ugly double standard. By saying that to a guy, you’re implying one of two things: either he doesn’t love you enough to honor your commitment, or he’s some kind of feral man beast who can’t control himself and will just stick his penis up in whatever hole he can find because its there “tempting” him. You either trust him, or you don’t. The other woman doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with it, unless you honestly believe she is capable of raping the guy.
It is sad to me that so many women are plagued with such deep insecurity, but its unfair to punish good guys for things they haven’t done. And guys have a hard time articulating how that kind of untrusting behavior makes them feel – but now that I’ve been with two guy friends as they’ve gone through divorces, I can promise you, all of that slowly takes a toll. Every time you accuse him of something, every time he finds out you’ve checked his email or his phone, or gone in to a jealous fit because he has a female friend… it can very easily build up over time in to resentment, frustration, and a feeling of nothing he does ever being good enough for you. Same goes the other way for men, its just that when we hear about it from the woman’s point of view, the man is the bad guy – the controlling jerk, but we tend to see it differently when we hear the woman’s side of it.
Not trying to change anyones mind I guess – its just interesting to see the massive difference in perception because of sex/gender.