(Closed) Some thoughts about double standards…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3775 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I totally agree that there is a double standard.  I think the reason why (not that it makes it right) is that a man imposing himself physically on a woman is much more dangerous than the other way around.  For example, if I punched my husband he would look at me like I lost my mind but physically he would be okay.  If he punched me, I would be in a pile on the floor.  Neither one is right but the physical consequences to me are much more.

Post # 5
Member
3775 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@BartenderPlease:  You are absolutely right.  If a woman tells her friends/family that she is being abused, EVERYONE lines up to keep her safe.  If a man tells anyone he is being abused, he is laughed at.  I can’t imagine how lonely it would be to be trapped in a relationship where you have no outside support to get out of it.  It would be terrible.

Post # 6
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with everything you’ve said.

It seriously bothers me that woman can treat their men like this and have no consequences, where if a man did the same, he would be labeled a wife beater.

Abuse is abuse. Regardless of who is inflicting it and who is suffering it.

@MrsFuzzyFace:  “For example, if I punched my husband he would look at me like I lost my mind but physically he would be okay.  If he punched me, I would be in a pile on the floor.

Abuse is not only physical, nor are its effects only physical. Just because he may be “physically okay” doesn’t mean he isn’t emotionally hurt, or that what you’ve done isn’t abuse, simply as it didn’t hurt him.

Post # 7
Member
8682 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Mischka:  

@BartenderPlease:  I agree with both of you and have definately said it in threads in the past. But it doesn’t just stop at the abuse (emotional or physical) but with ideas/opinions/likes/dislikes. If a man expresses an opinion, even when asked for, women seem to go crazy sayingthat he is being selfish and non supportive when in fact the woman complaining is usually being just as unsupportive and selfish for not even considering his opinion on something.  

Post # 8
Member
9118 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is a hot button issue for me. I see a lot of women standing on soapboxes going “Gender Equality! Gender Equality!” But those women don’t understand what exactly you’d be given up to be seen as an equal.

As you posted.

Man hits woman = Domestic abuse. Bad.

Woman hits man = Self defense. Good!

Man snoops on woman’s computer = Untrustworthy and controlling. Bad.

Woman snoops through man’s computer = Securing the relationship/validating suspicions. Good!

Man issues ultimatum = Controlling and manipulative. Bad.

Woman issues ultimatum = Securing her future. Good!

It seems that just because you’re a woman, you’re given a “get out of jail free” card and that really grinds me in the worst ways, and that alone is the very reason my husband and I call this forum “The trainwreck”. I’m not ashamed to give it that title, too. I’ve seen a lot of women who are very abusive in many ways, and that behavior is being encouraged by other women who think it’s alright to do, because they’re simply women (There goes that gender equality crap again.)

A vagina and a uterus does not make you immune to social stigmas. It does not mean you can hit a man and go, “I was just defending myself!” just like it does not mean you’re entitled to anything from a man (“I’m the woman, I deserve what I want.”)

There was one post where the woman said something to the effects of, “I know my SO isn’t happy with my decision, but he’ll do it anyway because he loves me.”

Sorry toots. Life doesn’t work that way. If you want to act like a bitch and think you’re entitled to be treated a particular way because you’ve got breasts, you’ve got another thing coming.

 

/soap box rant over.

Post # 9
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@BartenderPlease:  

You’re totally right.  Some women can act completely insane and violent and it is not okay.  Ever.  I haven’t seen a thread about someone slapping a man but there was one recently where the woman knocked a large piece of furniture over because she was mad and I noticed hardly anyone commented on how crazy that is.  It was all about what the man did and what he needs to do to change.  There’s definitely a major double standard problem on this site, and if anyone is talking about how they hit their husband and people are supporting that behaviour then that thread should be immediately shut down.  Domestic violence is not a joke.

Post # 10
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

@j_jaye:  Fully agree. Woman get away with so much crap simply because they are woman, yet if a man did the same thing he would be slammed/shamed etc. 

Society teaches men to treat woman kindly and woman to not let their men treat them badly, but woman are taught it’s okay to manipulate men, or treat them harshly as “they’re men, they can handle it” and “a woman’s got to do, what a woman’s got to do”.

It pisses me off beyond reason.

Post # 11
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m not convinced there is a double standard on reading emails/texts. In fact I’ve seen women criticised here for behaviour I think is ok (reading each other’s texts). I think the perceived double standard might be due to the different points of view offered by different bees.

I do agree there was a recent double standard on domestic violence. Hitting (or any other physical violence) is never acceptable, even if it’s an instinctive reaction, even if your partner gets loud and obnoxious.

Post # 12
Member
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BartenderPlease:  I am with you 1000% on this.

Domestic abuse is never okay, for one. For another, it’s important to be reasonable about the demands and restrictions you put on your SO compared to what you provide him, sexually and otherwise. I’m floored by some of the female behaviors I read about on here that get a “you go girl/that’s totally reasonable.”

I suspect the exact same bias is present for men in discussion groups that have a primarily male audience. (In fact I’ve seen this to be true in some cases that make the guys in question look worse than they are.) I don’t think it’s totally a sex thing, it’s more an in group/out group thing, I suspect.

But yeah, generally what’s good for the goose ought to be good for the gander and vice versa. 

Post # 13
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

@Bebealways:  “For another, it’s important to be reasonable about the demands and restrictions you put on your SO compared to what you provide him, sexually and otherwise. I’m floored by some of the female behaviors I read about on here that get a “you go girl/that’s totally reasonable.”

+1.

Post # 14
Member
9110 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

There are cases in which the female half is the domestic abuser but they are not common and seldom reported due to male pride.

There is also an issue called disparity of force.  A man can simply inflict more bodily damage on a female due to the physical disparity in their strengths.

It’s definitely not an equal opportunity situation.

Post # 15
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Agree so much. I have only been on here a few weeks but there are so many posts I can’t even respond to because it is obvious either the poster or all of the commenters are bat shit crazy. Especially on the ones where they are insecure and won’t let their SO have opposite sex friends. Sorry, people, but some people reallt ARE able to have friends who have different genitalia without wanting to fuck them. Also, they can have had sex with them before and still be friends (this one I am more inclined to understand the concern about, but my fiance and I both have exes still in our friend groups who we have no remaining attraction to, and neither of us gets jealous/suspicious if we talk/hang out to them, though we do have a rule of with exes no alone hanging out, just to prevent any insecurities from arising – BUT it’s a rule we both spoke about and agreed to early on in the relationship, not something that sprung out of nowhere and caused fighting). Every time someone is talking to an ex does not mean they want to get back together with them. Unless the conversation material suggests it does.

Nor do I think one should be banned from talking about their relationship with an opposite-sex friend. I actually think it can be helpful when my fiance and I are having communication issues to talk to my guy friends and get their takes on it, because as well as I know him, sometimes I have missed something that is logical to one of them but isn’t to me because I haven’t been socialized as a dude. And often my male friends will ask me for advice on their relationships too, especially if they are going on early dates with a girl they really like or if they are going to propose to their gf who I’m also friends with (you know, the sneaky friend tactic of figuring out what she wants). Asking for advice or even complaining about the relationship to an opposite-sex friend does not imply that you are going to leave the relationship for that person. Sighhhhhh, in the 21st century I can’t believe people actually get hung up on this. All of it just shows me that a lot of people reall don’t trust their significant others at all! I would never have thought I was super up-there on the trusting front but since reading the Bee, it’s pretty obvious to me that I trust my fiance with everything except remembering to feed the dog.

Post # 16
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Hyperventilate:  +10000.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Adding on to the whole gender equality thing… it seems as though some of those women up on their soapboxes demanding gender “equality” are going overkill and trying to push the issue even farther into female “supremacy” rather than equality.  As if that will somehow make amends to the fact that women were denied equality for thousands of years in the past.  Do they really think treating men like crap will make up for that??  I’m not sure if that’s really their reasoning, but either way, it’s atrocious behavior.

And I know women are emotional creatures, but going back to the whole issue of being let off the hook, so to speak… well, no woman should be let off the hook for doing something hurtful or abusive simply “because they were emotional.”  I don’t post much on here, but I do read, and I’ve seen many a thread in which this is the case.  There’s just no excuse for it.  No excuse for abuse of any kind, toward any person, regardless of their gender.

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