(Closed) Some wise words from a mans perspective for all of us bees!!

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Great post.

Us gals get too tied up in what we see as our perspective… in reality an Engagement is a BIG DEAL for a guy… something most don’t take lightly.

AND as an Oldtimer, I’ve been around the block often enough to say the following…

A gal that pressures a guy into proposing is gonna regret it down the road.  A man may propose in essence just to shut you up… (been there done that with my first marriage being an insecure girl right out of college).

BUT the truth is, if a guy isn’t 100% into it… in LOVE with you beyond words when he proposes to you / marries you… he isn’t gonna be anytime later down the road either

Which sets yourself up for a life filled with disappointment and heartache.

The sexiest thing on the planet ??

A MAN IN LOVE… who cannot wait to make the woman he loves his wife !!

Gals we need to understand this.  No amount of hoping, praying, cajoling, or ultimatums is gonna make him love you.

IT HAS TO COME NATURALLY FROM HIS HEART

So back off.  IF he’s the one… and gonna do it.  He’ll do it in his own good time.

At the same time… it is important for gals to know when you are in an uphill battle… a guy who really LOVES you, WANTS TO MARRY YOU NOW !!

Lol, a great many Engaged women will tell you… that guys naively want it to happen really quick after they propose (2 to 6 months is a common projection)

Sweet, but not realistic if one is planning to have a BIG White Pouffy Family Wedding.

So Ladies, be the awesome creatures that you are… show your guy how cool you can be… and if he ain’t man enough to ask… then don’t be “sad enough” to beg… just move onto someone else who will enjoy every second of the AWESOME person you are.

As Greg Behrendt says in “He’s Just Not That Into You”…

DON’T WASTE THE PRETTY ON SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T DESERVE IT !!

(In that our youth & pretty years are quick to pass… there are many men out there who would appreciate you for WHO you are… as you are.  Not that you’d have to change to be someone’s ideal).

Stuff to think about

 

Post # 4
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee

The proposal is so much more fun to dream about when you aren’t trying to squeeze in your opinions and timelines. When my FH started mentioning marriage I asked for a Timeline and never brought it up again. He said atleast a year and actually proposed a few months later. You realize how great surprises are when you aren’t trying to control it. You will have a genuine ugly cry moment and it’ll be worth it! 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree (and haven’t been doing much pressuring of my own because I’m certain he’ll propose), but I think it’s way easier said than done for some. There are a few Bees here who are in their late 20s/early 30s and have been with their SOs for six or more years. At that point, I think their SOs need to (for lack of a classier saying) sh*t or get off the pot. When your fertility window is rapidly closing, it’s not really fair of him to drag his feet. While it certainly does take away from the romance, I don’t blame some women for feeling anxious.

Post # 6
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee

@somethingaquamarine:  agreed, some women have legit reasons to be on thier man everyday about it lol. But, I have read some crazy waiting posts lately and I question how the marriage will actually turn out. 

Post # 7
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee

I definitely agree that constantly bringing up the topic (and thus creating pressure on the guy) will hurt the relationship in the long run, and even if it does lead to engagement/marriage,  it will not be under favorable circumstances.   But I also think that women should feel free to express their opinion on the subject to their partner; this doesn’t mean frequent conversations or references,  or “nagging,” as it’s often called.  This means a calm, clear communication about what the woman desires.  And then I think it’s most productive to simply drop the subject altogether.   Once a woman’s partner is fully aware of how she feels,  there should be no reason to “nag.”  If he’s going to propose,  he’ll go through the process of wrapping his mind around the commitment,  then he’ll do it (sometimes delayed by finances).  

 

The problem,  of course, is that many men who have no intention of ever getting married to the woman they’re in a relationship with are perfectly content to allow their partner to continue waiting and being patient and hoping, either because they’re too cowardly to hurt the woman’s feelings a little and end the relationship (so they just let it drag on, which wastes everyone’s time and is far more hurtful in the end), because they’re enjoying the benefits of the relationship and don’t want those benefits to go away (despite not wanting a permanent commitment), or because they’re just afraid of or opposed to marriage altogether and are willing to commit to a life together, but not legally.  The difficulty for women is telling the men who just aren’t quite ready to make the commitment apart from the men who WON’T make the commitment,  and I think that’s why the proposal is such a big deal to women; it’s a concrete sign that their partner is indeed a “just wasn’t ready” guy, and not a “marriage isn’t for me but I sill want to spend my life with you/I love you but I don’t love you and I don’t have the balls to tell you/I really like sleeping with or dating you but don’t actually want to spend my life with you” guy. This is made especially hard by the fact that the latter three often claim to be the former until very late in the relationship/when it appears the woman might end the relationship/when the man ends the relationship.

 

Some women are okay with the “marriage isn’t for me but I still want to spend my life with you” guys, and some aren’t.  Either approach is fine; there’s no reason to say that women should just accept what their partner is willing to give if that isn’t fulfilling to them, just like there’s no reason for a man to stay with a woman if what she is offering is not fulfilling to him.  (Pre-commitment;  afterwards both partners would hopefully try to work things out before ending a partnership.)  

 

But likewise,  there’s no reason to insist that women or men demand marriage to continue a relationship permanently if they are personally comfortable without it.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have to side with something aquamarine here and say that while, no you do NOT want to be a nag about the engagement, but that there are some men who really do need a kick in the pants to get their act together. My Fiance is one of them. He needed me to spell it out for him that either he wanted to marry me or not, and if not, I had no problem striking out on my own and being alone rather than be strung along in a relationship that would never fully blossom.

Once he understood that I had no fear, suddenly he realized he HAD been stringing me along and proposed some time later. It was not terribly romantic, no, because he’s not that romantic of a guy. And no there were no ugly cries, not everyone is quite that emotional. Yet, my Fiance, though I was the one to start the ball rolling, my Fiance was crying the day he proposed.

It wasn’t romantic because it had been such a long time coming and it was honestly all I could do to not say “FINALLY” when it happened, and every single one of our friends predicted it would happen that day (Christmas), so it was not unexpected or terribly emotional. It was what it was.

But it was still very, very special to me! Just because I didn’t ugly cry (or even shed a single tear) and just because I instigated it, DOES. NOT. MEAN it wasn’t special. And for all you bees who are in my same shoes, who did / do have to kick your guy in the butt to get him to wake up, THAT’S Okay, too. With a capital ‘O’. All relationships are different.

Post # 12
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@RosieLou:  Yeah, ultimatums of “propose or we’re done” aren’t cool, though I guess what I did was almost like an ultimatum. But what I did was less “propsoe or we’re through” and more “decide what you want and if it’s not marriage then I’m out of here”. But I feel like everyone deserves to know what they’ve signed up for. If you’re cool with never getting married, fine, but if you need a marriage to be happy, that’s Okay, too and you deserve to know if you’re wasting your time waiting for something that will never happen.

But to stay on track with what I think the message is of your OP, I agree- do not nag. If you *know* it’s coming, back off. It’s coming. Chillax. If the ring is in your house, don’t go looking for it. Relax and know it’s coming.

Post # 15
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@This Time Round:  

 

The sexiest thing on the planet ??

 

A MAN IN LOVE… who cannot wait to make the woman he loves his wife !!

This! My man tells me more times than I can count that he can’t wait till I’m his wife and it just melts my heart every time. He’ll propose when it’s the right time for him (and by his comments I’m pretty sure he’s ready haha) and I’ll wait for him because he’s worth it.

 

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