Post # 1
My wedding was supposed to be in October but due to some family tragedy *on my side*, we ended up pushing it back to this March. My fiance’s family was none to happy about this and ever since have been making things very difficult/stressful: IE my mother in law not showing up to my shower, my fsil deciding to back out as a bm because her spring is just too busy & hectic, & his aunt flipping out on me because her daughter’s wedding month is March and it’s awfully selfish to take her spotlight just because my grandma had a stroke: that is not an exadgeration!
So anyway somehow we have mentioned to make it to this point without killing anyway (knock on wood!) and the topic of discussion lately has been the rehersal dinner. My FH parent’s graciously offered to pay for this event which I sincerely appreciate and have told them so many many many times. But here is my question: am I way off base in wanting to be at least informed/consulted about were the rehersal dinner is? My ceremony venue is an old rustic barn that is in a very rural part of town and they provided me with the most common and convienent places to have the rehersal. When I gave the list to my future Mother-In-Law she glanced at it and set it on the counter and just said “I think i can handle it”. I let it got and waited a few weeks before bringing it up again. When I simply asked if they were having any serious considerations on where to hold it, my fmil snapped “I’m paying it for it so it’s not for you to worry about”. I was in shock: not only is that rude but I’m the bride- I kind of feel like I should have some say.
I talked to Fiance about it and he said “It’s the one thing she gets total control over- just let it go. It’s her dinner” but really I don’t think it is “her dinner”. Yes she is hosting it, but it’s a dinner for Fiance and I? And it’s a reflection on me and my wedding since my bridal party and their significant others are the guests! Fiance got really touchy about it and urged me just to let it go but I really feel it’s my right to be invovled!
I guess I equate it to the fact that my parents paid for our entire wedding: not one dime has come from my Fiance and myself or his parents. It’s a very generous gift: but it’s just that= a gift. My parents never said “Well I;m paying for it so you are going to get married here, have your reception there, serve this meal, give out these favors, etc” .
Anyone else see my point? Or am i being bridezilla?
Post # 3
I’m a bit of a control freak, so I would totally want some input into where the rehearsal dinner takes place.
Post # 4
Traditionally it is the groom’s family that makes the decisions on that one. They are the hosts, they are paying for it. It IS the only thing they do get say on.
Post # 5
it’s a reflection on me and my wedding since my bridal party and their significant others are the guests! Fiance got really touchy about it and urged me just to let it go but I really feel it’s my right to be invovled
i wouldnt say you are being a bridezilla but i also feel that his inlaws should be allowed to pick a place and as long as it isnt a nearby bikies drug den then you dont have the “right” to be involved
as far as his family making things stressful for you, you changed the date so maybe they were stressed as well? if there were other events or plans that meant someone wasnt able to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or attend a shower then accept that and try not to be bitter about it
you have already spoken to your Fiance and he asked you to let it go so there is your answer. goodluck!
Post # 6
While she is paying for it, thats very rude to exclude your input completely….Yes she is hosting it, but its being hosting FOR you and your FH. She should at least run things by you..like you said, just because your parents paid for the wedding doesn’t mean they make all the decisions and leave you out! Sorry you are having to deal with the stress:(
Post # 7
I think it’s reasonable for you to be consulted but it seems she’s sees things differently. She is being a bitch and I think the best thing is to let her organise it all and don’t say anything more about it (including not overly thanking her again for hosting it).
Post # 8
Your Future Mother-In-Law should probably ask your input, but it is aka the “Grooms Dinner” for a reason. It’s for the groom’s family to throw for you. It’s great if she asks for your input, but otherwise, don’t worry about it.
Also, you had good reason to push the wedding back. That said, your Future Sister-In-Law may have a really busy spring coming up and feel she won’t be able to give you the attention you’re due (my Maid/Matron of Honor is in three weddings this spring! If her Future Sister-In-Law were to ask her to add another, she’d probably say “no” too, its a lot to be a bridesmaid, and expensive!) Your Future Mother-In-Law may really have been busy the day of the re-scheduled shower. If you really wanted her there, you should have had your shower hostess consult her on the date. If she was consulted and she skipped it anyway, then whatever. She sucks. 🙂 Finally, you probably shouldn’t have rescheduled your wedding within 6 weeks of another family member’s. So your FAIN gets to be a little perturbed. (But she needs to get over it.)
Weddings are really stressful for a lot of people and planning and coordination gets really difficult. Unfortunately, no one really understands that until they’re planning their own wedding. This drama will seem like nothing, just don’t let it get under your skin. I know it’s hard to relinquish control, but sometimes you just have to. (I tell myself this at least 50 times a day, as I have a really hard time doing it myself.)
Good luck! I hope your grandmother is recovering well and that your in-law situation calms down! If you want, you can check my “venting” post… My FSBIL and Future Brother-In-Law scheduled their weddings on days that my Fiance and I are already in weddings. Ugh.
Post # 9
It sounds like you can’t win this one without major family drama. I know it totally sucks, but I can’t see a solution that doesn’t involve you just accepting it. We don’t do rehearsals or rehearsal dinners here at all, and clearly it’s just as well!
Try to turn this into a positive – you don’t have to worry about this event at all, just turn up looking pretty.
Also, you can have it as leverage if she wants too much input on anything else – she gets this one thing.
Post # 10
I say pick your battles and just let it go..
Post # 11
Let it go. Normally the groom’s side handles the dinner and all the details that come with it. I, like you, would rather have a say in it, so I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But taking into consideration that his side of the family seems to feel stressed already due to the wedding being pushed back to a month that is “inconvenient” for them, I would just let it go. I think it’s awful the way the reacted to your very valid reason to change the wedding date. It was for a reason beyond your control. Unfortunately that seems to have ruffled their feathers so just try to enjoy your dinner for what it is and let your Mother-In-Law do what she wants for it.
Post # 12
I think technically you’re right but realistically you need to let it go. For the sake of your own sanity and peaceful relations with your in laws let her plan the dinner, if they’re not involved in the wedding planning this will be her only chance to do something wedding related.
Why don’t you think of it as a surprise dinner? Let her organise everything and pay for it, you just need to show up and eat and drink and enjoy yourself. Also, you’re going to be stressed out the week of the wedding so this is one less thing to worry about. Let it go…
On a side note, do you think your Future Mother-In-Law is feeling excluded from the wedding? Mothers are often much more emotionally involved than you realize and if she feels like she’s not been involved in the planning perhaps she’s reacting this way because her feelings are a little hurt. I’m not taking her side, just something I’ve seen happen in a few cases where mothers or MILs have acted weird.
Post # 13
To be honest. In my opinion, this is just me, the rehearsal dinner, to me is the perfect chance to thank everyone who is a part of your wedding for all their hardwork.
My In Laws offered many times to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner but we kept refusing. They were already helping us out on the wedding. We wanted to pay for it and have it be relaxed fun and one of those few times -for us- both family could get together and just be a family.
I know this is traditionally not the role of the Rehearsal Dinner but it was to us.
And with choosing a restaurant we asked everyone for their opinions. We picked a fusion place because there are picky eaters on both sides of our family.
So I do feel like even though they are hosting and paying it would be nice if they asked for your opinion.
I kinda agree with other posters that perhaps they are stressed as well and to give them the benefit of the doubt. Wedding planning is a stressful time for all. Not just the bride.
Post # 14
I actually asked a very similar ques about this on WB over a year ago, and got very different responses then you have recieved thus far.
I also thought it was strange that my in-laws planned the whole dinner w/o asking my opinion or involving me or my husband in the slightest. In fact, we learned where it was hosted through the Rehearsal Dinner invitations just like everyone else.
But, Bees made me realize that in reality, this is “their party” and since they are paying they don’t have to ask your opinion on anything. It would be a nice gesture to include you, but it is not expected.
Post # 15
I think the larger issue at hand that should be addressed is your feelings that his family is upset with you. I think that would be a better place to start.
Post # 16
I think you need to let this one go!
They are throwing a party in your honour and so technically that means you don’t get a say. It would be nice but they don’t have to. The best way to deal with it is through your Fiance, who already told you to leave it so I suggest doing just that.
Look at it this way! You will have so much going on that week, this will be fun event that you just have to attend and not worry about!