(Closed) Someone Help Me- Am I way out of line?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Am I out of line?
    No Way! You are the bride and should at the very least have input and a say so : (49 votes)
    43 %
    Yes- it's the grooms family's decison : (56 votes)
    49 %
    Slap a bitch.... it's your wedding and you should be able to plan every aspect : (9 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    9056 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I’m a bit of a control freak, so I would totally want some input into where the rehearsal dinner takes place. 

    Post # 4
    7693 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @Autumn Bride:

    Traditionally it is the groom’s family that makes the decisions on that one.  They are the hosts, they are paying for it.  It IS the only thing they do get say on.

    Post # 5
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    it’s a reflection on me and my wedding since my bridal party and their significant others are the guests! Fiance got really touchy about it and urged me just to let it go but I really feel it’s my right to be invovled

    i wouldnt say you are being a bridezilla but i also feel that his inlaws should be allowed to pick a place and as long as it isnt a nearby bikies drug den then you dont have the “right” to be involved

    as far as his family making things stressful for you,  you changed the date so maybe they were stressed as well? if there were other events or plans that meant someone wasnt able to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or attend a shower then accept that and try not to be bitter about it

    you have already spoken to your Fiance and he asked you to let it go so there is your answer. goodluck!

    Post # 6
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    While she is paying for it, thats very rude to exclude your input completely….Yes she is hosting it, but its being hosting FOR you and your FH. She should at least run things by you..like you said, just because your parents paid for the wedding doesn’t mean they make all the decisions and leave you out! Sorry you are having to deal with the stress:(

    Post # 7
    987 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I think it’s reasonable for you to be consulted but it seems she’s sees things differently.  She is being a bitch and I think the best thing is to let her organise it all and don’t say anything more about it (including not overly thanking her again for hosting it). 


    Post # 8
    646 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Your Future Mother-In-Law should probably ask your input, but it is aka the “Grooms Dinner” for a reason. It’s for the groom’s family to throw for you. It’s great if she asks for your input, but otherwise, don’t worry about it.

    Also, you had good reason to push the wedding back. That said, your Future Sister-In-Law may have a really busy spring coming up and feel she won’t be able to give you the attention you’re due (my Maid/Matron of Honor is in three weddings this spring! If her Future Sister-In-Law were to ask her to add another, she’d probably say “no” too, its a lot to be a bridesmaid, and expensive!) Your Future Mother-In-Law may really have been busy the day of the re-scheduled shower. If you really wanted her there, you should have had your shower hostess consult her on the date. If she was consulted and she skipped it anyway, then whatever. She sucks. 🙂  Finally, you probably shouldn’t have rescheduled your wedding within 6 weeks of another family member’s. So your FAIN gets to be a little perturbed. (But she needs to get over it.)

    Weddings are really stressful for a lot of people and planning and coordination gets really difficult. Unfortunately, no one really understands that until they’re planning their own wedding. This drama will seem like nothing, just don’t let it get under your skin. I know it’s hard to relinquish control, but sometimes you just have to. (I tell myself this at least 50 times a day, as I have a really hard time doing it myself.)

    Good luck! I hope your grandmother is recovering well and that your in-law situation calms down! If you want, you can check my “venting” post… My FSBIL and Future Brother-In-Law scheduled their weddings on days that my Fiance and I are already in weddings. Ugh.

    Post # 9
    1315 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    It sounds like you can’t win this one without major family drama. I know it totally sucks, but I can’t see a solution that doesn’t involve you just accepting it. We don’t do rehearsals or rehearsal dinners here at all, and clearly it’s just as well!

    Try to turn this into a positive – you don’t have to worry about this event at all, just turn up looking pretty.

    Also, you can have it as leverage if she wants too much input on anything else – she gets this one thing.

    Post # 10
    9029 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I say pick your battles and just let it go..

    Post # 11
    222 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Let it go.  Normally the groom’s side handles the dinner and all the details that come with it.  I, like you, would rather have a say in it, so I don’t think you are being unreasonable.  But taking into consideration that his side of the family seems to feel stressed already due to the wedding being pushed back to a month that is “inconvenient” for them, I would just let it go.  I think it’s awful the way the reacted to your very valid reason to change the wedding date.  It was for a reason beyond your control.  Unfortunately that seems to have ruffled their feathers so just try to enjoy your dinner for what it is and let your Mother-In-Law do what she wants for it.

    Post # 12
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I think technically you’re right but realistically you need to let it go. For the sake of your own sanity and peaceful relations with your in laws let her plan the dinner, if they’re not involved in the wedding planning this will be her only chance to do something wedding related.

    Why don’t you think of it as a surprise dinner? Let her organise everything and pay for it, you just need to show up and eat and drink and enjoy yourself. Also, you’re going to be stressed out the week of the wedding so this is one less thing to worry about. Let it go…

    On a side note, do you think your Future Mother-In-Law is feeling excluded from the wedding? Mothers are often much more emotionally involved than you realize and if she feels like she’s not been involved in the planning perhaps she’s reacting this way because her feelings are a little hurt. I’m not taking her side, just something I’ve seen happen in a few cases where mothers or MILs have acted weird.

    Post # 13
    3526 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    To be honest. In my opinion, this is just me, the rehearsal dinner, to me is the perfect chance to thank everyone who is a part of your wedding for all their hardwork.
    My In Laws offered many times to pay for the Rehearsal Dinner but we kept refusing. They were already helping us out on the wedding. We wanted to pay for it and have it be relaxed fun and one of those few times -for us- both family could get together and just be a family.

    I know this is traditionally not the role of the Rehearsal Dinner but it was to us.

    And with choosing a restaurant we asked everyone for their opinions. We picked a fusion place because there are picky eaters on both sides of our family.

    So I do feel like even though they are hosting and paying it would be nice if they asked for your opinion.

    I kinda agree with other posters that perhaps they are stressed as well and to give them the benefit of the doubt. Wedding planning is a stressful time for all. Not just the bride.

    Post # 14
    5273 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I actually asked a very similar ques about this on WB over a year ago, and got very different responses then you have recieved thus far.

    I also thought it was strange that my in-laws planned the whole dinner w/o asking my opinion or involving me or my husband in the slightest. In fact, we learned where it was hosted through the Rehearsal Dinner invitations just like everyone else.

    But, Bees made me realize that in reality, this is “their party” and since they are paying they don’t have to ask your opinion on anything. It would be a nice gesture to include you, but it is not expected.


    Post # 15
    2289 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I think the larger issue at hand that should be addressed is your feelings that his family is upset with you. I think that would be a better place to start.

    Post # 16
    6597 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I think you need to let this one go!

    They are throwing a party in your honour and so technically that means you don’t get a say. It would be nice but they don’t have to. The best way to deal with it is through your Fiance, who already told you to leave it so I suggest doing just that.

    Look at it this way! You will have so much going on that week, this will be fun event that you just have to attend and not worry about!

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