- 6 years ago
First time post here — but I often stumble upon threads on this site during my lame moments of googling “why isn’t he ready for marriage” etc. Glad to have a place to share thoughts on such a sensitive subject!
Without writing an essay here, I guess I would like to ask for advice on how to control your emotions. Much easier said than done, I know. To summarize:
I am 26, Boyfriend or Best Friend of 5 years is 31. Both financially stable, want to get married/kids, etc., and get along really well together. He is admittedly a slow decision maker, and I brought up the topic of marriage telling him I was ready approx. 2 years into the relationship. He was not ready / not sure if I was the right one then, and still isn’t now. Now, I know you’re thinking “run for the hills, he’s just stringing you along.” I honestly don’t think he’s doing that, he wants to be married. He just wants to do it for the “right” reasons. We’ve lived together for 1/2 a year (after I said I needed a gesture to keep us moving forward). Living together has been a piece of cake, we get along perfectly.
On to the mess: Ever since I first brought up marriage and he wasn’t ready I have been on a downward spiral. It has completely upset the balance in our relationship, I feel insecure (not like he would cheat on me or anything), but like I am just waiting to be “good enough.” This has made me a crazy pants. I cry, WAY to much to him. My emotions regarding a commitment are way too close to the surface. People are getting married left and right, my parents pressure me all the time, everyone says we are perfect together, his family loves me — the only problem is him being sure he wants to commitment to this. I have put a ton of pressure on him, I know. I bring it up way too much (think multiple times a week). I feel like I have lost control of my emotions regarding the subject and I really need some advice on how to curb those painful feelings and give him a chance to breathe and see our relationship for the good that it is. My crying/pressuring has clouded his perspective I understand that. I get so upset at myself every time I bring it up. How do I stop and give him a chance to see the good non-crazy me?
I know I should do the “focus on yourself thing.” But that’s really hard when there’s a huge pink elephant in the room and all you want to do is make it go away!
He is a wonderful, patient, caring person. He never says anything intentionally hurtful and lets me vent my frustration, and geniunely doesn’t blame me for my painful reactions. We have talked about it to death, and now I just need to back off so he can figure it out without me shoving it down his throat. But I just can’t seem to stop bringing up the subject — I’m so sensitive about it! I tell myself, he has until October, I’ll keep my mouth shut until then. But then I have a moment of weakness and screw that up!
We are two people, truly great for each other in every other way. But we are in an awful situation that continues in an endless circle (I get upset — he can’t get his head into marriage with a sad Girlfriend all the time, repeat).
How do I keep this monster at bay?