Post # 1
My boyfriend told me that I was not apart of his future at the moment all because I asked him a question about a house he put an offer on a month ago, which in turn got turned down last week. The question I asked him was “Why on earth would you want to waste all your hard earned money investing into a house and making changes to it, when you can go and buy a 75 thousand dollar house that already comes with brand new countertops, stainless steel appliances, and beautiful hard wood floors?” Of course he got defensive to my question, go figure. I was just trying to be wise and tell him that investing into a house is not around in these generations anymore, especially with this god awful economy. I told him to just save all that useful money for vacations and wanting to go back and finish up college. His response to my question: “Because I would rather put money into a house and then a few years down the road when I want to sell it, I will be able to get more out of it then what I paid for.” I said: “You do realize that this economy is not strong enough right now for that type of thing and I dont want you to waste all the hard working money you earned and then eventually it will all be gone and youll never get it back… Why dont you just save it for important things like our future engagement you planned and let my parents butt in and just buy us a house so you wont have to worry about any debts and then we can focus on other things that we both want in our lives right now, like our future wedding and having kids down the line.” In my family, it has been a traditional thing for my parents to buy a starter house. My grandparents did the same thing for my mom when she was going through her divorce with my dad and raising myself and my sister when we were little. But anyway, after I asked him that question he tells me: “Well your not apart of my future right now…” I said: “How in the hell am I not apart of your future right now?” He says: “Because right now buying this house is not your problem and it is going to be my house, and once I may buy this place, then thats when I will let you know when I am ready for you to move in here and then thats when we can decide things together on what to do with it.” Well, let me just tell you when he told me I wasnt apart of his future… I balled, thinking that he meant I wasnt apart of it anymore. He did say he wasnt trying to hurt my feelings, but at least being up front about it. I just felt like if I was going to eventually live there with my 3 yr old son, then I should have a choice in this purchase of a house even if were not living together right now. He is a good person… Loyal, honest, strong, gives me lots of attention and he has told me a few times he wants to get engaged and over the past four months has been dropping hints like a mad man. He is great with my son and has stepped up tremendously for him as well. I do not know what to think about this…. Maybe you all can help me!
Post # 3
To be honest, I am worried that he is not planning on committing to you. If I were you I would need to sit down and have a long talk with him until I’m confident I know exactly what he means by that. Maybe he just phrases things really poorly and meant something else. But maybe he hasn’t had the confidence to tell you that he doesn’t want to marry you, at at all. If you are hoping for marriage, you need to know for sure if he’s not even considering it.
ETA: How long have the two of you been together? I just assumed it has been many years, but if it’s been, say, less than two, he just might not have reached the point of commitment yet.
Post # 4
Seems to me that your relationship isnt as serious as you believe it is. I would let him do his thing and make his own decisions (and you do the same) until you both agree on the seriousness of your relationship i.e. engaged.
Post # 5
He is telling you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t think you’re the one. Instead, you’re his Right Now girl, the one he is with until he finds the one, or is ready to look for the one. I’m not sure what sorts of hints he has dropped, but was it maybe possible that you misinterpreted some things?
You have a child, and he deserves a stable family life. That does not include you waiting around on someone who obviously doesn’t take your opinions into account and isn’t going to marry you.
If the two of you have been together long enough for you to have joined a wedding forum, then chances are you’ve been together long enough for him to know one way or the other about you. And he has obviously decided you aren’t it for him. It sucks, it’s sad, but it happens to all of us at one point or another, and when it does, it frees us up to meet the person we ARE supposed to marry.
Post # 6
Honestly, I don’t think there’s much to decode. He’s a guy and doesn’t consider you guys serious right now. He wants to buy a house (and there is no better time than right now with houses at such low prices) and get his life sorted out before he feels ready to commit totally. You guys are not married or engaged, so you really don’t have a say in whether he buys a house or not. I also think it’s really irresponsible to spend that money on vacations and expect your parents to buy you a house (whether that’s the tradition or not).
You may or may not be the one for him, that’s hard to tell with not knowing you guys. Some guys want to feel like they can take care of a wife before they will commit. My husband was that way… he would not propose until he felt financially stable.
Post # 7
I am afraid that it isn’t a particularly good sign. I would be preparing for an eventual moving-on.
Post # 8
@WhiteWedding: Thank you for typing everything I was going too:)
Post # 10
I agree with PPs that he may not be so committed to you. But I also want to bring up another possibility. Men are often very concerned about being the provider and take a lot of pride in their financial stability and strength. I can understand how it was probably emasulating for him to hear you say that he can’t afford to buy a good enough house and he should just let your parents take care of it. His reaction may have been an immature defensive response to being hurt by your comments.
My advice: Wait for things to calm down. Then go to him and apologize for what you said. After that, tell him that your concerned about what he said and ask him to talk about the future.
Post # 11
WOW. A decision like purchasing a house is a big one.
I don’t necessarily agree with you about buying a completely renovated house even in this economy or the fact that buying a house now is not an investment (it’s cheaper to renovate yourself, especially if you have the money and have a certain style, and even in this economy, you can flip a house and make money just by investing in some renovations and if the economy turns around like it seems like it’s doing, he might be right about buying a house right now). However, it is a decision the two of you should be making together, if you’re on the same page on where your future is.
How long have you two been dating? Have you discussed timelines before? Like, when you plan on getting engaged and when you plan on moving in together?
I don’t like that he makes it seem like this relationship will be dictated by HIS timeline alone. When “he’s” ready for you to move in, etc. It should be a decision the two of you make together.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
The PPs have pretty much summed it up. He may have intimated to you about a potential engagement but his reaction to your questions told how he really feels. He’s not ready yet. I personally found your comments to him as condescending (“you do realize…”). Basically you told him what he should be doing with his money. I don’t think any person would want someone telling them how to spend their money, especially when they aren’t engaged/married. How long have you two been together? Do you live together? Also, the comment about your parents buying you two your first house may have rubbed him the wrong way. It may be common and traditional for you and your family but he may not want to go down that route and have his first house paid for with his own hard-earned money, not your parents’.
Post # 13
Thanks guys! OHHH he is absolutely sure about me! 🙂 He has told me he would like to get the house first and then go from there and that was around the time he said what were all talking about right now. He just wants to get things going… Last week he told me on the phone… “You dont think I do not think about getting things going for us everyday?” He IS absolutely a commited man… Loves my son dearly and I do believe he is trying really hard to focus on himself before he starts anything else like whitewedding said. He is in no form of immature. I am 26 he is 29. He is one of those strong silent types where he doesnt like to talk about much, lol. He is a very simple man. Very responsible and even helps me out at my house sometimes when I do not ask him to, i.e. dishes and folding laundry. Hes even cooked me dinner as well. I have never been this lucky in my life to be honest. And speaking of me when I mentioned what he said about buying this house and going from there, he started talking about babies, lol… So I know hes ready.
Post # 14
@Mswaitingbee: I think you are in denial when you say that you don’t understand what he meant. He is not planning on his future being with you. If he was looking for what would be your collective future home, he would be giving weight to your preferences and expectation. This is his house for his future. It is a really difficult position to be in, yes, but not difficult to understand what he is saying.
Post # 15
You seem to have different spending styles, which may make it difficult for him to see a future with you. He’s got his doubts, and he’s made that clear. You should ask him what is holding him back regarding your future together; maybe he’s put off that you’d rather see him spend his money on an engagement and wedding than a house, and he’s concerned that you’ll fight over money once married. Anyway I would ask him to explain why he’s got misgivings, and see if those topics are something you can work on, or if he’s just generally not emotionally invested in the relationship.
Post # 16
nothing to “decode”. he said you are not a part of his future. what he means is you are not a part of his future. move on or stick around. you decide.