Post # 1
My husband and I have been married for nearly 9 months now. He’s having serious problems being sexually intimate (ED issues) and has seen a doctor twice who told him he has low testosterone. The docotor told him since he’s young (early 30s) he can wait and see if things improve. They have not. We have tried and tried and each time it is a serious letdown, followed by both of us feeling bad. At this point, he says he has no drive at all and doesn’t know what’s wrong. He is willing to go to the doctor again, and says he might have to take viagra–but he seems so down about it all.
I feel so guilty pushing him to keep trying and then telling him to see the doctor when I know he really hates it–but what else can I do? I am seriously worried about whether we can ever have sex again and how in the world will we be able to try for a child if we cant have sex? I try not to tell him all my worries but subtly ask him to see a doctor, which he says he will do.
And just for background, my husband and I have a great relationship outside of the initmacy issue. We are deeply in love, affectionate and we were able to have sex before with no issue years ago before marriege. So I’m not sure what is going on now that is causing this (it could be that he went on this hair medication which had bad sex side effects and he has since stopped).
My only thing is, I feel that as time goes on nothing changes and I worry what if no medication fixes this situation? I have so much anxiety over this and I have nobody to talk to.
Post # 3
@temporary: I’m so sorry you two are dealing with this. It could be a lot of things, and many suggestions come to my mind. However, I am not a doctor so I don’t want to play guess the problem. I think what you have suggested, that he see a real doctor and not try to Google a potentially unsafe solution, is the best bet. I’m so glad he is willing to go, even if he is a bit hesitant (and I can’t say that I blame him!).
Post # 4
I hope that his doctor can sort this out. I’m sure this is very hard. I’m sure it’s even harder on your SO. He probably feels like less of a man and very inadequate. Do your best not to let your fears show to him and continue to be very patient with him.
Post # 5
If the doctor he saw was a General Practitioner, I suggest he see a urologist who specializes in men’s sexual health.
He may have started out with a physical problem (low testosterone) but it is very easy to develop another problem -anxiety- in such a situation. Think of the pressure on him every time you try to be intimate.
In the meantime, I suggest you temporarily ban even the thought of intercourse. Pleasure each other in other ways. Take the pressure off that man.
Post # 6
@julies1949: I was thinking it could be psychological too. I’m no expert though, so what do I know 😛
Also, I can imagine this is terribly hard on both @temporary: and her partner. I can’t even imagine 🙁
Post # 7
It’s not a problem that many young men deal with, but many MANY older men do, and continue to have fulfilling sex lives.
There are plenty of ways to be intimate beyond penile penetration, you just have to find what works for you. Most men can experience orgasm without an erection as well, so you both have lots of options if medical/phycological therapies don’t resolve the erection issue.
Try googling “non penetrative sex” “sex without intercourse” and “outercourse” just to get you started.
As for having children, if he is producing sperm it can be done with medical assistance. If he can ejaculate, you can probably do it at home with a syringe, and little medical intervention.
Post # 8
I think going to a dr. is the best bet. There can be tons of causes for ED (a quick google search will verify)
But, are there other emotional issues (outside of physical) that he may be dealing with? Is he stressed at work? Money issues? Concerns about starting a family? Basically is there anything weighing on his mind–and it doesn’t necessarily even have to do with you two–that would cause some unease?
I’m glad he’s willing to get it checked out..that’s a positive! Most guys are too macho or stubborn to even go!
One more thing, though. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard not to, but as much as women have been led to believe, guys can’t always control their “little guys” and they’re just as affected by emotions as we are/
best of luck to you both
Post # 9
This will be very hard for both of you to deal with, but make sure he’s not just avoiding the problem because of his feelings – you are in this relationship, too, and make up 50% of the sexual need and energy between the two of you. He can’t just beat around the bush, stall, make excuses… He needs to deal with it because you are BOTH in the relationship together.
My DH and I had some problems similar to this early on in our relationship. After months of hinting that it was an issue, asking what I could do to help, I finally confessed that if he continuted to refuse to deal with it, then I was out. (Again, before marriage; I wouldn’t leave him now, but he would not be allowed to ignore it.)
You don’t need to know all the details, but it seemed like a combo of some slight medical issues (improved with diet / more exercise rather than medicine) and low sexual self esteem because of it. We worked on our intimacy outside the bedroom, which helped his self esteem in the bedroom. After a few months, it was SO much better, and we’ve had a very satisfying sex life for years.
Don’t give up on him – and definitely don’t let him give up on himself. He may need to see both a medical doctor AND a therapist to see if there are underlying psychological issues playing into it. Once you see ANY improvement, give PRAISE for what you love so he’ll want to continue improving. Once you two are past this, he will be happy you didn’t give up on him.
Post # 10
Yes, it is also somewhat anxiety related because he told me that he feels like he has to do it and then he isn’t able to–so it’s a cycle. But when we first got married he was able to a few times with no issue–but he tells me now that it was so difficult to get to that point.
The only thing with doing non-intercouse things is that he literally has no sexual drive to do it. I mean, I am ALWAYS the one initiating and I know for a fact that he does things to make me happy not because he feels the urge or drive
It didn’t used to be like this years ago–when we first met he couldn’t keep his hands off me and was able to have normal sex without issue. But life has brought so many changes our way that things aren’t the same sexually 🙁
I cry a lot about it on my own and sometimes to him–but I really try to hide from him how much it hurts me. From the outside we are the perfect couple–and even in private we have such a wonderful love and affection. But this no sex thing is really killing my spirit.
My other concern is if I take all the pressure off (like not mention sexor anything) I worry he will just relax and not get any help and things will continue this way….so I keep remininding him
Post # 11
@hisprettygirl: Thank you for sharing your story, it gives me hope. I don’t plan to give up on him but I have to be honest, there are days where I feel so down about it that it serously affects my happiness. He is generally laid back about it–so if I don’t mention it he wont either. But when I do, he agrees he has to see a doc. He keeps holding off on medicaiton however because he says he wants to see if things improve. Now that things have not improved he says he has to resort to medicine but he is not happy about it. I know that he wants to keep waiting to see improvement but for me he says he’ll do anything–including taking meds.
Do you think it’s a bad idea that I’m ok with him going straight to medication at this point? Should I tell him to wait and try natural things first? I dont know what to do
Post # 12
@temporary: I know a few men that take testosterone supplements because they also have low test. Have you looked into that?
Post # 13
@MrsTillerResq: I suggested that he ask the doctor about testoteorne patches/supp and he said he would ask and I think he would rather try those instead of viagra.
Are you referring to over the counter things or does a doctor have to prescribe it?
Post # 14
@temporary: I think some are OTC and some are prescription. My husband had low test and he was taking a supplement that you can buy at vitamin shops. I think it was just a powder he would mix with water and drink. I can ask him what it was called.
His father and a couple of his friends also have low test and some were using a cream that I think was prescribed to them.
Post # 15
@temporary – Has he actually seen a doctor yet? My DH’s issue was blood pressure and a couple other somewhat common things that were manageable without medicines. He needs to go and have those blood tests done to check all his levels of… blood and whatnot (sorry, not so technical). He also needs to discuss any medicines he’s currently taking and reevaluate the necessity of them and how they might be affecting his drive.
But really and truly, also consider therapy. So much of this could also be in his head, and medicine will only mask that. I’m always a proponent of trying to solve things without medicine. Often medicines create even more problems with side effects. It could be better for his body AND mind if he’s able to work through this without taking anything.
Post # 16
Definitely see a doctor! If it is low T, maybe he could try some of the testosterone creams they have first. At least that way he isn’t going straight to Viagra or Cialis and maybe that won’t affect him so much psychologically. I can imagine that a man in his 30s would get pretty depressed at the thought of having to pop a pill every time he wants to have sex.
Good luck to you and your DH!