Sorry this is so long – It was cathartic though!
Dear Incredibly Clueless Person Who Thinks She is My Aunt,
I am at a loss to understand why my uncle continues to date you. You have ruined his credit score by forgetting to pay the bills (one of your only responsibilities) and mortgage for months at a time. He is now working 2 jobs to support you staying at home because you are too lazy to find or keep a job. How many have you had in the past few years? And none of them lasted more than 6 months. It’s nice to put a real face on the issue of fraudulent unemployment and disability benefits. One would think that with all that time on your hands you could find opportunities to cook, clean, or otherwise improve the house/life of my uncle in some way.
You are asinine and ridiculous. When I put a note up on facebook about beginning wedding planning you replied “Wow, its really getting close. When is the date?” Let’s just pause for a moment so that you can reread that statement. Let me ask you: If you don’t know the date, how could you know it is getting close? How could we be getting close to something that my post made clear doesn’t exist yet? This is the type of nonsense garbage that spews forth from your mouth on a regular basis and drives me absolutely insane.
I realize things weren’t always this way between us. I stayed with you and Uncle one summer during college and we got along well. That was before you decided that even though she is absolutely no relation to you whatsoever (and ultimately not your responsibility) that you wanted to play mother to my niece. Now, I understand that you missed out on having kids because your first husband killed himself during your fertile years and now you are too indigent for any adoption agency to consider. It really is for the best though, considering that you have great difficulty even keeping your own life on track. I think we can all agree that a child would be too much for you to handle. Nonetheless, this hasn’t stopped you from trying to assert your will. Let me clear something up for you – My parents are niece’s legal guardians and her parents in all senses of the word. They ask me for advice because I am a psychologist and because I know the dynamics of the family. The fact that the 3 of us talk things through when there are problems is NOT an invitation for a town hall meeting.
Even if you had a valid opinion on the subject – we still wouldn’t include you because you get loud, emotional, irrational, and violent whenever my niece is involved. How dare you accuse me of wanting to beat my niece and being a danger to her because I sat down with her to have a disciplinary talk. I caught her gorging herself on an entire box of expensive handmade chocolate truffles and a half gallon of ice cream for breakfast! She has an eating disorder and it is important to talk about lapses like that and plan on how to avoid them in the future. Plus they were my truffles! What part of having a rational if stern conversation leads you to believe I would beat a loved one? (Please note for future reference that you do not fall into this category). I have NEVER and would never raise a hand to her. Just because you get violent when your upset doesn’t mean that other people are so out of control.
Which brings me to the time that you threw a punch at my mother because she told you to butt out. The fact that you were drunk at the time really doesn’t excuse you, especially since you admit to being an alcoholic and know you shouldn’t be drinking at all. The fact that Uncle, Stepdad and I all had to rush in to pull you off of my stunned mother and then drag you screaming from the house to stop you from continuing to lunge at her, only revealed you as the complete and utter lunatic you really are. Allow me to remind you that you chose to do this when 3 of my college friends, my fiance, and 2 of your (now ex)friends were all staying with us and ran into the room to see what the commotion was. What a great way to end a holiday weekend! As a note for the future – when people talk about fireworks at 4th of July that isn’t the kind they mean.
And yet, you still think we are friends. I don’t know why. I stopped calling you 2 years ago and don’t send Christmas cards. I only visit my uncle when your not around. I didn’t even call to tell you I got engaged (because secretly I am hoping that I can find a way to keep you from coming to the wedding!). You make my top 5 least favorite people list and the rest of the family agrees with me. Please disappear into the Bermuda triangle with all possible haste.