Something's missing

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

This could just very well be the way he is, and could be really hard to change him. You need to decide if you can accept him, flaws and all. If you love him and your blended families are working out well, it would be a shame to leave because of this. Have you tried telling him that you need more? 

Post # 3
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Omg I could have written some of this post.  I tease my Boyfriend or Best Friend that he’s a Vulcan or Data from Star Trek.  He NEVER tells me how he feels about anything, he didnt ask me a question after our second date for a year!  For instance we were passing a restaurant and I said “We need to go there, a good friend of mine who was murdered 2 years ago loved that place”. He said “Okay sounds good”…..

He is physically affectionate like holding hands or touching me, but sex he waits for me to initiate.  I’ve figured out that he thinks, as a woman, I should be the one to decide if we have sex so he defers to me.

Things were difficult for me for the first 3 years or so.  I knew he was the one for me but I couldn’t FEEL it.  If I asked him to describe how he felt about me or anything I have done that has turned him on – I get a blank stare, and he apologizes but he just doesn’t know.  Everyone, including me, knows he worships the ground I walk on, he treats me like a queen, but something was missing. So I’d cry about it and vent about it to him and everyone and he’d hold me and say he wishes he could give me what I need he just doesn’t know how.  All action and NO flowery words is hard.

Finally one day a friend told me “It’s a shame that you can’t translate all the things he does for/with you into the words you need”.  So that is what I do, he dotes on me and I hear I like ____ about you, he touches me and I hear you make me happy, he smiles at me and I hear you’re sexy, he builds/buys my something and I hear I want to be with you forever. I also make him make me a mixed tape (CD) or songs that remind him of me for every birthday and I listen to that when the struggle gets hard.

He has learned to at least ask me every day “how was your day today?”.  It helps.  I’ve learned that I’d rather all action and no words than all words and no action.

Post # 5
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

lizatola :  Definitely INTJ! Just remember that although they may not be emotionally expressive, he will show you his love in other ways and will be very loyal to those in his immediate intimate group.

The best part of being with my INTJ husband is that I can just TELL him what I want, without worry about seeming vulnerable or emotionally needy. Oftentimes he just doesn’t realize something until I point it out. Once I do and explain something, and he sees why it would be better (or make me happier), then there is absolutely no problem with the implementation.

Post # 7
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

lizatola :  have you told him outright what you would like from him?

Post # 8
Member
2971 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m with an INTP Gemini and it’s similar. I mean he does tell me he loves me and gives me a quick peck but I literally need to schedule sexy times so he isn’t getting caught up in a project… and he just isn’t into gifts unless they are very practical (though he puts tons of thought and research into each of those gifts so they are usually really great). I got a top of the line aromatherapy diffuser and some heirloom lavender essential oil for my birthday a couple of weeks ago to help with my insomnia, for example. 

I feel like you need to be very independent and confident to be with someone like that. You also need to keep in mind that this type of person expresses their love through fixing the roof or doing the dishes. I suggest looking at those expressions of love, however unromantic to you, through his eyes. 

Post # 9
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Chula Vista Golf course

Sounds like you speak different love languages. I highly recommend the book the 5 love languages, it’s eye opening! And your SO should read it too

Post # 11
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

5 love languages as mentioned above! Darling Husband and I realized we “speak” different languages and sometimes miss how the other person is showing affection. 

My Darling Husband is not a man of many words and definitely not overly romantic with the flowery stuff. But he shows me he loves me every single day by expressing affection in the way he knows how; cooking me dinner, rubbing my feet/back, being an amazing provider, even emptying the vacuum cleaner haha. I’ve learned over time to see his actions as how he is saying “I love you” 

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