- 3 months ago
Hello everyone. I’m new here but I’ve been reading the boards for quite some time. Just couldn’t figure out if I should post. Quick background: I have been with my SO for 3 years. We are both divorced and mid 40s with kids of our own. We met online and there was always something about him that intrigued me. He is very intelligent, educated, introverted, and a bit reserved as well. He has biting sarcasm and quick wit and he and I have a lot of fun together. We have been living together as a blended family for about 1.5 years now in his home. I moved out of my rental and took my son with me who happens to be a few years older than his 2 children.
Anyway, I often feel disconnected from him. I feel like I initiate most of our physical contact and anything that goes beyond the standard greetings of the quick kiss hello or goodbye. I initiate hugs, 90% of the sex we have, and any emotional expression as well. He has only spoken I love you about 5 times that he initiated himself but if I say it first he always reciprocates. If I need a hug, I have to ask for one. If I want to go out to dinner because I feel like we haven’t had time together for a few weeks, I have to ask for it and suggest the restaurants. I’ve accepted all of this but I also feel like I’m more emotionally invested in ‘us’ than he is.
But, then I remember that he’s the one who asked me to move in with him AND his two young children. He’s the one who told me that he was planning on just continuing to date until his children were out of high school but then I came along and changed his plans. He has told me that I make his life better and he often compliments me on my personality, my work ethic, and tells me what he THINKS of me…..but he rarely tells me what he FEELS for me. I am working on accepting him as he is. But, I’m getting frustrated that I put in most of the effort and he just goes along for the ride.
He is mostly willing to oblige me. If I want to snuggle or curl up with him, he doesn’t turn me away. And, if I initiate sex, he is always willing but his response is usually, “Sure.” when I ask him if he wants to make love. There’s no emotion or excitement about it. But, when we do have sex, it’s actually the most connected I feel to him because he is so loving and kind. Yet, I feel like I crave more and I am trying to work through whether I really do need more or if I’m capable of loving him as he is and just accepting the fact that I will always be the one who gives more in the relationship than he does.
I don’t live in fairy tale land. I don’t want prince charming…..I do believe I want an actively engaged partner who is clear in the fact that he wants me as I want him and that we are on the same page with how we feel about eachother. Every time I bring up relationship stuff, he recoils. He listens to me but he skirts the issues when I press him on why he’s so non-verbal and I then find myself wondering if he’s emotionally unavailable or if maybe we both are in some ways? Because, I am fully aware that I am part of the equation here, too, and that I contribute my own iniquities as well.
Just trying to formulate my thoughts and figure out if the love I have for him is grounded on real solid love and if I’m able to love him fully without asking more from him than he’s able to give. I think after a 20 year dysfunctional marriage to a verbally abusive alcoholic I don’t know what normal is nor do I know what to really expect in a good relationship. I do beleive we have something to hang on to but i can’t fight the feeling that something has been missing from the beginning and I’m digging deep to find out if it’s me or if it’s us.