(Closed) Something's wrong and I need help, but I'm not ready to leave (long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OP, I just want to say a couple of things. I grew up with my father behaving exactly the same. He literally sounds just like my dad. First off, I want you to think really hard. If you intend to marry this man, you will likely have children together, could you stand for him treating your children like this? Also, if you have children together, the likelihood is that your son would grow up to be just like him, and your daughter would grow up to marry someone like him. YES, many times it doesn’t happen, but many times it does, because the relationships we watch our parents have models for us what we think normal relationships should be. So what would you tell your hypothetical daughter if she were in this relationship? Would you say, oh he will change, just let him keep abusing you? Or would you pack her ass up and move her back in with you?

 

He will not change, he will not get better, it will only get worse. And the scars it will leave on you and your (future) children will NEVER go away. EVER!!! To this day I am the first person who would jump into the middle of any man hurting a woman. I am so thankful I was smart enough to finally get to the point where I refused to let my dad treat myself, mother or siblings that way. I even chased him out of the house with a knife once for picking up a highchair and getting ready to swing at my mom, who was holding my 3 year old brother at the time. These things I will NEVER forget. DO NOT allow yourself to be a victim, you are the one who writes your own future. 

Talk to your parents, your friends anyone who will listen. If they love you they will help you get out. 

Post # 123
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@canthugallcats looks like we were writing very similar things at the same time !

Post # 124
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@upsetbeee:  Sweetheart, leave him. He sounds like he is manic and controlling and you are too young to “settle” for that.

I question why a guy is single at 34. There is usually a reason. Not always a bad one, but a reason. I know you feel more comfortable with older people but he is not the one. He needs serious help. I also feel more comfortable with people older than me but my Fiance is 3 months younger. When it’s right, it’s right and you don’t have to make excuses for them.

Post # 125
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@upsetbeee: Really listen to

View original reply
@MrsHQuinn  She is right. There is another thread on here about a woman who married a man with some issues. They were magnified after the marriage and they are talking about divorce.

You can get divorced, marriage isn’t permanent but children are.

Post # 126
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsHQuinn:   My dad was similar so I understand where you’re coming from.  It led to me marrying (the first time) an abuser like he was.  Thankfully I’m happily and safely remarried to a kind and loving man.

OP:  Please stop the cycle, before it’s too late.

Post # 127
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MrsHQuinn:  Wow, why yes we were! I’m glad you got out & stood up for your family! Sadly, not many kids do that & most fall into that cycle & it breaks my heart. Very brave of you!

My bio-parents were good to me probly 75% of the time, but that other awful 25% was truly horrible & took me many years to recover from & sadly, that is all I really remember from my childhood. Being treated like you are may make you feel like you’re not worth it, or that you’re worthless, or that you deserve it, or that is how everyone is so get used to it… but that’s all a huge lie! Once you get out of the abuse, you will start to recover (it will take time). You will see how awesome you are if you realize YOU are not the problem, it is your FI (hopefully ex-FI soon).

Don’t leave him your engagement ring, sell it so you can buy a bus ticket out of there. Don’t tell him where you are going. Just pack your most valued things while he is at work, & leave that same day, before he gets home. Change your phone number & never contact him again. Maybe send him an email telling him you left him but don’t send that to him until you are gone & safe. Or contact a local women’s shelter & go there until you can get out of town. Tell them your story, they will help you.

Post # 128
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Russell\'s Pizza House

@upsetbeee:  look up the term ‘gaslighting’ – this is what he’s doing to you. 

Post # 129
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

With everything you’ve described and he’s divorced…he’s been this way his whole life. Take if from me, he won’t change. I grew up in an abusive situation and things always seemed to be getting worse, beginning with mental abuse and escalating to physical.

There is someone out there that will be kind to you and work together to build a strong loving/trusting relationship. An abuser always blames the victim and wants you to believe you’re “making” him do the things he’s doing. Sure everyone has bad days or things get stressful, or you’re in a bad mood. You’re allowed, what’s not allowed is everything he has done. 

The recording of the conservation is exactly what my father used to scream to my mother. He would also accuse her of cheating (she never ever did), how you wrote that he wants to pick you up from studying gives me the suspicion he doesn’t trust you. (If I’m wrong about that, I’m sorry.) Verbal abuse is like a dog leash and he’s using it to control you and beat your confidence down so you can’t leave him. 

 My mother was so trapped with my father as she didn’t have an education. Well it took 25 years but she was finally able to leave him and get her education. Don’t let this happen to you. Your safety and mental health is much more important. That last paragraph isn’t important if he does all the things above it. He is not supportive if he’s mentally abusing you. What you’re trying to do is find threads of kindness, don’t put a mask on his true self and make excuses for him.

I recommend calling a woman’s helpline and talk about what is going on. I hope the very best for you!

Post # 130
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@upsetbeee:  I know you don’t wanna hear it, and you WON’T hear it until you’re ready, but you need to leave him. I, like a lot of the other previous posters, have been in your shoes. It seems to always occur between the ages of 17-22 when we are at our most vulnerable. I dated and lived with that type of guy from 19-23. It started out the same way yours did, just arguing about small things, but trust me, the first time it gets PHYSICAL, it will only escalate from there. My ex started by blocking a doorway with his body to prevent me from leaving one day, then turned into him punching inanimate objects such as the wall or a window, and then my body turned into the punching bag after that. And as if the physical abuse isn’t bad enough, this guy is emotionally abusing you as well, which can oftentimes be even more hurtful than the physical. You just have to decide you are ready, and leave. You can make all the excuses in the world not to. I remember thinking a range of things from “I can’t support myself financially” to “I can’t leave my pets.”. You will always find a reason to NOT leave in this situation, but you just have to dig down deep and find your inner strenth, and do it. I decided one day to leave, I packed up my dog and a bag of clothes and drove 3 hours away to my parents house, where they didn’t even have an extra bedroom for me, but they made room. You’ll be surprised what family is willing to do for you when you need help. When I left him, it was the best thing I ever did for myself in my entire life. Sure, it was tough after that….I had to start over in a new city and state, find a new job, find new friends, and deal with all of the emotions that come from being free from a relationsihp like that. But, that was almost 5 years ago that I left, and now I’m getting ready to marry the man of my dreams. And let me just say that there is a HUGE difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one. You will know it when you get out of this one and find one that is healthy. Best of luck to you, I hope you make the right decision. You don’t to be treated like that, nobody does. 

Post # 131
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This reminds me of a situation I was in when I was your age. My boyfriend at the time had a very similar personality. He was a brilliant guy and very good at math and programming. He was really quick-witted and always seemed to have good ideas for how to do things the ‘best’ way, so it was hard for me to realize that it was completely abnormal for him to constantly assert that his way of doing everything was the ONLY correct way. If I did anything that wasn’t ‘to his standards’, or made any kind of effort asserting opinions of mine that differed from his (even to the point of just liking different music), he would mock me and logically argue me into the ground. He was just better at arguing than I was, and more motivated to always be right, so it led to me never, ever feeling right and eventually just always defaulting to him always being right. It even became sort of a ‘fun’, inside joke, that I was totally stupid and didn’t know anything and would always make inferior decisions. I now realize how ridiculous and degrading that was. We would get into arguments similar to what you are describing, and he would bring up past things I supposedly said or did that I didn’t remember, and when I brought up things that he had said or did, he would deny they ever happened so that his argument would still hold. That is called gaslighting, and it’s an emotionally abusive tactic that basically makes the abused eventually feel like they are crazy and they stop trusting their own memories and thoughts. 

You say this man is really smart, but there are plenty of very intelligent people who are able to see things from other perspectives. In fact the smartest people are those who can understand and admit when they are wrong. So his behaviour isn’t just a product of him being ‘too smart’ and getting easily frustrated by ‘inferior’ human beings (a category in which he seems to include you, and probably everyone who isn’t him, frankly). It’s really abnormal and unhealthy. 

I never lived alone with my boyfriend, only with a bunch of other housemates. I shudder to think how much worse it might have been without the buffering effect of other people. There were definitely good times, and I understand that you really care for this person and want him to be happy. But staying with him throughout this abuse is only teaching him that it is ok. Maybe someday in the future he will be with someone else and treat them properly having learned from this experience. Unfortunately it’s probably more likely that he has a deep-seated personality problem and he will always either be an abuser or alone. But you don’t deserve to be treated this way at all and it seems like you know it. 

After I left that boyfriend, I met my now husband a few months later. The funny thing is, my husband is even MORE particular about silly little things than my boyfriend was! Case in point: I was cleaning my glasses the other day and he suggested a ridiculously slight change to what I was doing that would make it work better. He loads the dishwasher a particular way, he wants our shoes to be in certain places by the door. He’s older than me, wiser than me, and set in a lot of his ways. Difference is, he respects me, he’s always nice to me, and rather than joking about how inferior I am like my previous boyfriend, he is constantly building me up and telling me how smart and wonderful he thinks I am. He never makes me feel like I HAVE to comply with his wishes, OR ELSE. He doesn’t make me feel like a useless person because I want to do some menial task in a slightly different way than he sees as optimal. He will make suggestions, which I’m usually happy to try to remember to abide by, but he’ll drop it if I’m not interested in the advice. He apologizes for being so picky and it’s something we joke about. We rarely argue, but when we do it’s with calm voices and we don’t put each other down.   

So my point of all that rambling was, your fiance isn’t ‘just really smart’, or ‘just really particular’, or ‘just older than you and set in his ways’. There are plenty of ways to be any of those things without being abusive. Your fiance is abusive. I think you know that and you’ve gotten a lot of helpful advice. I really hope that you can quickly get in a position to leave. Don’t warn him that you are leaving, it will make the abuse even worse. Get help ASAP. You will be so overwhelmed with relief once you are free of him, and especially once you meet someone who builds you up and treats you with love and respect. 

Post # 132
Member
3138 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA

@upsetbeee:  Go to the library and get the book “Get Rid of Him” by Joyce L. Vedral.  Read it cover to cover.   It’s an old book, but it is very empowering. It not only give you the strength, but also tells you HOW to leave him.

Here’s the link to it on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Rid-Him-Joyce-Vedral/dp/0446395447/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top&tag=118120440-20

Seriously, I was not a whole lot older than you are when I read this book, and it changed my life.  Saved my life.  

I was 23 when I married my first husband. He was 11 years older than I was. I thought he was so intelligent. He took me to all the places I wanted to go, the ballet, the opera, vacations…etc.  The emotional abuse started first.  I thought it was romantic that he always wanted to know where I was and who I was with.  Then we moved in together. I couldn’t do anything right. I didn’t clean the way he thought I should. I didn’t make enough money. I spent too much time at school. (I ended up quiting school because of him, but did go back I left him and finished my degree.)  When we were married, he didn’t put me as the beneficiary on anything. He always put his mother, because “she was more responsible and would take care of me.” Bullshit, she hated me, and I wouldn’t have seen a cent. Not only that, but he had my signature forged on the bene paperwork saying I agreed to his mother being the bene. I never knew that until after our divorce. 

The first time he hit me, he called my mother and told her I was insane and that he had to hit me because I was threatening him.  He outweighed me by 150 pounds.  He called his co-worker who came and convinced him to stay at his house for a few days. My mom came and stayed with me–drove 4 hours in a snow storm to get to me.  It took the chiropractor 2.5 hours to put me back in place.  The chiropractor refused to treat him after that, and he filed a police report against him… of course nothing became of that. 

I didn’t leave right away after that.  He promised to start going to church. He promised to get counselling… He treated me with kid gloves for about three weeks.  Then one day we were at his mother’s and he called me a lazy bitch in front of all his family.  That’s when I knew he wasn’t going to change. 

I bought that book.  Called in sick and read it from cover to cover.  Called my mom told her I was divorcing him.  She gave me the money, and I filed for divorce that week. 

Even now, 19 years later, I sometimes have a hard time believing that I was actually abused. I can still justify his actions and make what happened all my fault. Even whilst writing this, I almost feel like a faker, like what I went through wasn’t that bad, that if I had done this or that, that it would have been different. That’s how deep the programing can go. I never got counselling, and I probably should get it.  

I highly recommend that you read that book and that you get counselling.  Leave him. The longer you’re there, the deeper the programming he’s doing will be embedded into your psyche.  

 

Post # 133
Member
1860 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you don’t leave, your future kids will pay the price…

Post # 134
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

WHOA. I know you’re taking some abuse courses in school so you should know that this type of behavior usually never changes. Especially at his age. 

I just feel sooo bad for you after reading this post. You’re a smart girl and I know you’ll do the right thing.

[Comment moderated for personal attack]

Post # 135
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@sruan:  omg I just about snorted..  Awesome.

OP – so glad you’re looking to get out now.  Please update us on the situation.

Post # 136
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@upsetbeee:  Halfway through, even before the physical abuse, I was furious. You should be too. This is a total nightmare. I’ve been with someone half as bad as this (controlling, illogical, manipulative, lots of fighting, walking on eggshells, road rage, etc.) but this is so much worse.

I really hope you leave and leave soon. He doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship in his emotional state, let alone engaged.

The topic ‘Something's wrong and I need help, but I'm not ready to leave (long)’ is closed to new replies.

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