(Closed) Something's wrong and I need help pt. 2

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@upsetbeee:  Don’t let him use stress at work as an excuse, OP.  My husband goes to school full-time AND works part-time but NEVER does he use either of those things as an excuse to get angry with me.  Likewise, I work full-time and am a graduate student part-time but never would I dare to take a bad day at work or school out on him.  It’s one thing to talk about your day with your significant other, but it’s not fair to take out your aggression on the other person, especially when they had nothing to do with the thing that upset you.  Even if my husband does upset me sometimes, I don’t yell at him or belittle him–we talk about the issue and try to come to some sort of solution.  We allow each other to do things our own way as long as it gets done.  We also admit our own faults to each other and apologize.  This is what a healthy relationship looks like.  Do you see the difference?  I also hope that you consider answering Radar’s question because it’s a really important one.  I think it’s something you really need to think about and ask yourself.

Post # 138
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

By the way, OP, I happen to have a high-functioning form of Autism known as Asperger’s Syndrome, which is most noted for being an impairment of that person’s ability to interact with other people.  If even I can see how wrong it is for your fiance to treat you the way he does, I hope that speaks volumes to you.

Post # 140
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@upsetbeee:  We all get irritated and frustrated, but it’s how we deal with that frustration that makes the difference.  For example, if I’m tired and frustrated, I’ll tell my husband that I need some alone time and I’ll go listen to music or read or do whatever it is I need to do to relax.

Having said that, I doubt very much that he literally does everything.  I really do think you’re being too hard on yourself here.  You’re a nursing student and a very busy woman.  Even if you don’t spend every spare second you have trying to help clean the house, it’s because you’re human and also need some relaxation time.  I hope you believe that.

I’m relieved to hear that you’re determined to get out of that situation the next time he mistreats you, though.  Keep that promise to yourself. 🙂  You are worthy of being treated with love and respect, and if this man can’t or won’t give you those things, I know you can find a man who WILL.

Post # 141
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@upsetbeee:  I don’t know what to say..in one way I think if you’re going to work on this you should probably meet his therapist – though I know that couples or marriage counselling with an abuser is not really the thing to do.  However, I do wonder if he’s telling his therapist the whole truth.  Is he telling them that you just don’t do anything and he’s a genuis and life is so hard for him, and they’re telling him to just try and communicate his anger in a more positive way to you?  Does the therapist know that he’s manipulated and abused you?  Those are things I worry about.

I know you see a change, and I know that you’re still concerned and realize this could be part of the cycle – but I’m concerned that he’s doing this to prove something to you that he isn’t really doing…he can go to a therapist and tell them whatever he told his friends and family that made them say you are just young and need to learn.  I wonder if this therapist knows even half of the truth or if he’s still making you out to be the bad guy all the time.

Maybe he is changing for you, and for himself.  Maybe he does realize he’s been a complete asshole and he wants to better himself.  But maybe not – and unfortunately probably not based on research and history of people like him and abusers.  Please be careful.

Post # 143
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@upsetbeee:  I fear that it is indeed part of a pattern–the abuse cycle to be specific–but I am very proud of you for all of the awareness and self-respect you are gaining.  I think you’ve come a long way. 🙂  Please continue to keep us posted.  I’m rooting for you!

Post # 144
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I’m sure you know that the medication will take some time to start working and that it may be difficult for him to adjust. You should also make sure he is actually taking it, and not just saying that he is.

Post # 145
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m with radar…what makes you stay besides caring for him. What does he do to make you love him so much and what does he offer to make you want to marry him?

Post # 147
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

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@upsetbeee:  It may be worth talking with your counsellor about what makes you choose both a career and a fiance where you are the one who is the caretaker and fixer.  I’m not saying those characteristics are bad, just that it’s worth knowing where they come from.

Reading from the outside, it just seems like such a shame that you’re having to watch him take meds and count pills.  Others have asked, and I’ll repeat: What are you getting out of this relationship that is worth setting yourself up for a lifetime of “counting pills” or some other task in order to TRY and keep him on an even keel. 

Post # 148
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

You need to SEE him taking the pills.  He could be flushing them.  

Post # 150
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 1999

hi.  I’ve been lurking for a while (my awesome SIL was a bee) and had to join after reading these threads.

Short story… Please leave.  It’s great that he is getting help.  You need to leave, let him get the help that he needs, and reconnect in 6 months or so to see if the changes are actually happening.  Neither of you can get healthy together.  And odds are, in 6 months, you will see that not much has changed.

Long story…  I was you.  Truly.  I met my ex-h when I was 18 and had JUST (same month) graduated high school.  He was 25, owned his own home, owned his own successful business, and I was so flattered that he was interested in me.  (Now, I recognize that I was easy to influence and control)

He immediately started taking charge of All.The.Things because I wasn’t “smart enough” to do them.  After all, he was older, had more experience, etc.  Slowly, insiduously, the brain washing was beginning.  One by one, he managed to make my friends disappear, but in a way that I didn’t realize it was him isolating me.  Slowly, he started manipulating my relationship with my family, so that I rarely saw any of them.  He started “helping” me by my clothes because he knew so much better than me because he was older.  He started slowly changing who I was.  My hair color, my hair style, contact lenses instead of glasses, he controlled everything. 

The first time he hit me, I had accidently broken a lamp when I went to turn it off.  (found out later that it already was broken before then)  Then he was sorry that he had to do it, that I need to be more careful.  The next morning, he told me he loved me for the first time.

Soon, even though we were not living together yet, I was expected to do all his housework, laundry, cooking, etc.  And this being my first serious boyfriend and no longer having anyone to discuss things with, I agreed and started to do it all.  And now he had even more reason to hit me–he “caught” me washing the linoleum bathroom floor with the wrong cleaner.  I bought the wrong brand pasta for spaghetti.  And if I wasn’t so incapable, he wouldn’t get so angry.

I bought in to all of this.  And any time I got to the point where I threatened to leave, I would receive a letter almost IDENTICAL to the one your BF wrote you.  And I really started buying in to the fact that I was clearly responsible for some of this.  And I moved in with him.  Soon after, he made me quit college, it was taking too much of my time, he could provide for me without me needing to work, etc.  So then I was completely isolated. 

Then, a couple things happened.  I got in to a serious car accident.  I could have been killed.  My car hit ice on the highway and rolled down a ditch.  This was way before car phones.  Luckily sommeone in another a car saw, and contacted the police.  The abulance came and wanted me to go to the hospital.  I was afraid of what my bf would do, so I refused.  The police took me to the station so that I could call him to come get me.  And he wouldn’t.  I was interupting him.  So i took a taxi home.  And got yelled at for interupting him.  Never once got any sympathy.  And was told i needed to go sleep on the floor because he didn’t want me disrupting his sleep that night. 

A month or so later, he went out with some friends one night.  He got home late and I asked him if he had fun.  His response was to break my nose, push me down the stairs, and throw me out of the house.  I went to his mother’s because I literally had no where else to go.  She convinced me not to call the police and to give him some time.  I refused to go back to him.  He threatened suicide, I caved and went back.  And he asked me to marry him.

…skipping lots of details here…  Suffice it to say that he’s be great for a while, we’d have fun, go dancing, etc.  Then he’s slowly creep back into the abuser.  2 days before our wedding, he got angry with me and gave me a black eye.  TWO DAYS.  And I was convinced by his mother that it was too late to call things off.  So I went through with it.

Things continued this way.  Smooth sailing, and then verebal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse.  He’d wake me up in the middle of the night to scream at me for not cleaning out the bathroom sink.  I over cooked dinner one night and he broke all of the dishes.  Through all this time, I had no money of my own, no car, nothing.  Everything was in his name.  And I was stupid enough to sign a prenup because he came from lots of money.

Each time, I would tell myself that this is the last time.  If it happens again, I’ll leave.  And I would try to stick to it, but he’d cry, tell me it would never happen again, he’ll seek help, buy me jewelry, and I’d agree to stay. 

And eventually I was pregnant with my first child.  Which of course made it even more complicated to leave.  While he was excited about the baby, it didn’t do anything for his temper.  He pushed me down the stairs.  I wound up almost losing the baby.  After that, things stopped for a while.  But I was a nervous wreck, all the time.  And went into pre-term labor.  Thankfully, other than super small, there was nothing wrong with my son. ( He’s a healthy 20 year old today).  Then I got pregnant again.  He didn’t want another baby and he spent the entire pregnancy tormenting me.  When my daughter was a month or so old, he threw me and the kids out.  In the snow.  With nothing but a stroller.  A neighbor let me in to call a friend.  She picked me up.  I stayed there the night.  He came over the next morning with flowers, the promise of anger management classes (BIG Mistake as another poster said).  I went back.

I had lots of things.  A house most people were envious of.  A plane, a yacht, a fancy car.  But none of it was actually mine.  And money doesn’t buy happiness.  Or safety.

I kept promising myself I’d leave by drawing lines in the sand.  If he hits me once more I’ll leave.  If he abuses me in front of the kids, I’ll leave.  And yet, I never left.  When my kids were 3 and 1, I finally left.  He hit my son for no reason and that was when maternal instincts hit hard.  I left with very little.  It was tough for a while.  But I did it.  My kids are 18 and 20 and have grown up into awesome people.  At first we had joint custody which was aweful for them.

By the time they were 10 and 12, I was able to get full custody with him only getting supervised visitation and then no visitation.  Why?  Abusers Do Not Change.  He got married again.  Stabbed her with a knife.  In front of my kids.  My son had to call 911.  A year or so later, he got annoyed with a neighbor.  Tried to shoot her.  Police discovered he had been stockpiling guns.  He tried to frame my son, unfortunately.  He was sent to prison.  He has 5 years left.  a year or so into his prison term (10 years prison, 5 parole), it was discovered he has a hit list for when he gets out.  I’m at the top.  Apparently, all of his problems are my fault.  I’ve ruined his life. 

So please, if you’ve read this far, take what I am saying, what others here are saying, to heart.  He will not change.  Not permanently.  Something some time will set him off and you’ve now shown him that he can manipulate you into coming back.

Be safe.

Post # 151
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@not-a-troll:  thank you for sharing your story.  I am sure your story will be helpful to OP and any other bees in similar situations.  I am so proud of you for having been through so much and having the strength to leave.  I was speechless after reading your story…. your ex was a sick man and he put you through hell.  I am so glad you left him!

 

OP: do you want your life to be like this?  You can easily have a relationship that does not require watching your bf take pills, count pills, or so much effort…. your relationship could be a lot easier with someone who does not have these anger issues or abusive tendencies.  Don’t you want to let go, relax, love and be loved?  There is so much happiness waiting for you out there! You deserve so much better. 

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