(Closed) Sometimes being married is hard

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Hmm…well to me this seems to be a money issue, not a marriage issue. In my opinion if you don’t have enough money to buy a mac computer stashed awaying in an emergency fund….that’s just poor fanacial planning. Like you were going to take that money to go on a trip, even though you have no money for emergencys in the bank? You shouldn’t even be going on a trip unless you can afford it (and when I say ‘afford it’, I don’t mean using up all your emergency to pay for it, a vacation isn’t an emergency, but a tool for business (aka the computer) is.

Post # 4
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well a question from me would be whether he’s making similar sacrifices for you two as a team, or if it’s just you. That would make a big difference over how justified you’d be in being resentful. I maka sacrifices in my marriage knowing that my husband also has me as his #1 priority, not himself, and that makes it so easy for me to put him first. If he was being selfish or uncaring about my interests and hobbies while maintaining his own, I’d be resentful and upset.

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Both PPs make very good points.

Maybe its time for a good heart to heart. What items make it hardest for you? your lack of practicing your hobbies? Can you sit and look at your finances with a fine tooth comb and come up with a better plan to save and to spend? $X towards savings, $x towards one game of golf a month?

And his hobby does bring in some money, so the question is, is it making you more money than your spending to support it? If not, is it a reasonable outflow of cash that matches your outflow for a hobby?

Post # 6
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Have you talked to him about this?  I would tell him your feelings.  Let him know you feel as though you are making sacrifices and don’t feel he is doing the same.  If you haven’t let him know that it’s bothering you to give up your hobbies, but he gets to keep his…maybe once he hears your side, you can come to a compromise about spending money. 

Post # 6
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

Why does Darling Husband get to maintain his hobbies? Are they free?  Is there a significant disparity in your incomes? Did you come into the marriage with a lot of debt and he didn’t? Do you have to cut your wants and skimp on needs because he overspends on his wants?

Because if the answer to the above questions is “no, no, no, yes”, then there’s an unfair division of finances.

Post # 8
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

We all have to make sacrifices finanically.  I had paid off my car in the summer, and in February my SO crashed and totalled it (last year).  He did give me money toward our new vehicle and so it was not super expensive.  However it was an additional long term expensive i had not forseen.  I’ve now paid off that car but still, it sucked that i had to make all those sacrifices for his mistake. 

Its not his fault the computer died, and his hobby (while it does cost some money up front) is additional income for both of you.  Skiing and golf, while fun, do not make you money.  So i dont put them in the same category really.   Sorry but you will just have to deal with things.  Some people dont ever get holidays, so maybe try to have a mini road trip for a weekend in place of it?

Post # 10
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

If you are the breadwinner it can be hard. My Fiance and I have been together for 5 years and shared bills for a long time. A couple years ago it was hard not to resent the fact that although he split bills with me I had to pay for anything extra due to his financial limitations. So, nights out, dinners, vacations….was all me. I was always the one that wanted to do the extra things though and he was always appreciative. It is a lot easier now, it just feels natural and I am also working on viewing us as a team. I think it gets easier, hang in there but do discuss your feelings.

Post # 11
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Diamondadozen:  

There was probably a less judgemental way to say that, yikes. 

 

 

@SarahSmilesDec28:  

 

I struggle with this too, but not because I was single for a while.  I feel like I gave absolutely every single thing I wanted up for my ex husband (stayed in a job I hated for him to go to school because he refused to work, gave up my dream of school, moved across the country with him, cooked only what he liked, never saw my friends b/c he would complain about not getting enough attention, etc), so by the time my poor Fiance has come in to the picture, I’m a little selfish.  TBH, I feel like I have to be sometimes to make sure I don’t wind up resenting him for my not doing something 5-10 years down the road. I lost myself so profoundly before, that i’m terrified of doing it again so I am adamant about taking time for myself so I can stay in shape, stay sane, and have something interesting to talk about at the end of the day.   So- I get where you’re coming from: Sometimes being a team is a pain in the a**.

That said, in *this* particular instance, your FI’s hobby makes enough money to cover the Mac and pay for a ski vacation later (granted, winter’s almost over, I know.) So, I think you might just have to get over this one- no side business=no side money.  Is there anything you really like to do that could make a little extra money too?  Maybe you could teach golf lessons?  Or, you could just be patient and wait until next year. 🙁

Another thing, though- if the money he makes from his hobby was going to pay for the vacation for the two of you, then you should both help with the Mac expense, which it seems like you’re doing now.  However, if he keeps all of the money he makes photographing, then perphaps when this situation is over, he should have a completely separate account just for photography-related expenses?

On the bright side, I think you can deduct that Mac since it’s for business purposes 😉

Post # 14
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@SarahSmilesDec28:  

We have 6, count ’em, bank accounts for this reason.  I think we could do with fewer, but it helps keep the “my,” money mine, “his,” money his, and “ours,” is well-tracked and documented, in case anyone has any questions about its’ use.  I’m glad you like the idea.  It sounds like you’ve both been saving, so when he gets paid on the weddings this summer, just have him pay back whatever the Mac cost to the joint account, and then he can start saving for future expenses in a separate Photo account.  Anything leftover will probably be his to put in his own account, and so on. 

We use Wells Fargo, and I think they still have a no-fee type of account.

 

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@SarahSmilesDec28:  I totally get where you’re coming from. It sucks having to give up hobbies that you like now that you’re in a husband and wife team, and have joint expenses, unexpected financial burdens, etc. This is a little off point, but can the iMac be saved? Mine just crashed last night (It’s a 2006 model so it’s a little old) and my Darling Husband is currently wiping the disc and doing a restore. If you/he/or someone you know is good w/ macs they may be able to fix it until you can save up for another brand new one. The harddrives are tricky to replace but it can be done, which would be a lot cheaper than a whole new iMac.

In the meantime, try to hang in there. All couples hit financial rough patches where one person feels like they’re sacrificing their life away to get by. Let him know that once he gets some wedding money in that you’d like to do something YOU want to do!

The topic ‘Sometimes being married is hard’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors