Post # 1
have any of you ever ended – or more specifically been dumped from – a serious relationship, one that you were positive would end in marriage? were you living together? how did you cope? what did others do to help you cope?
i have a friend going through that right now. i had a terrible feeling about this relationship from pretty early on. i was concerened with how much she had invested if they broke up and now that its happened… i am at a loss on how to be there for her. i have had friends be heartbroken before, but this situation is new to me. before even if the couple was serious, there wasnt so much emotionally invested and none of my friends lived with the guy and had to go through the process of dividing property 🙁
background if you care to read it, because it might be helpful for context:
a few months back i posted about a friend of mine, L, whose relationship made me worried for her (this post). i felt like her SO (let’s call him Ass Hat) was just not as enthusiastic for their future together as she seemed to be.
for the sake of brevity i will not get in to all the red flags about her relationship, but there were many. the biggest of which was that a few months prior to L and him getting together, Ass Hat ended a 6 year relationship with another girl because she felt they werent spending enough time together. at the outset of L’s relationship with Ass Hat, we all thought it meant he and this other chick had drifted apart. over time i began to see his personality was very “my way or the highway”. it is very possible his ex was still in love with him but voiced a concern so he swiftly ended things.
at least that’s what just happened with L and Ass Hat. they have lived together all of 10 weeks and he has abruptly ended their relationship because they had a minor fight since she expressed dissatisfaction with something he did. a week ago she was planning their vacation next summer and now she is homeless with hardly any belongings (she sold all her furniture to fit his place). shitty situation all around 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
When I separated from my now ex husband I had negative $15 in the bank so my living situation was pretty limited. Thankfully a friend offered me her spare room and made sure that I went about my daily activities (work, eating, etc…) It helped to have constant contact with people because the depression and anxiety for the first few weeks and months was crippling. The desire to return to the ex is huge because you hurt so bad you just want it to stop and you’ll bargain with the devil (i.e. ex) to return and do whatever he wants, how ever he wants.
What kept me the most sane was having constant contact with people and after a few weeks it was just getting out of the house to do things. I made myself say yes to everything that wasn’t dangerous or illegal but I also had friends and family that were pushy about getting me out of the house to see a movie, go shopping, etc… on a regular basis. I think I talked to my mom daily and my dad weekly during that time.
Oh, and pay attention to her to make sure she doesn’t start drowning her sorrows in alcohol or drugs because she’s going to be very vulnerable for a while which will make turning to bad habits more likely.
Post # 4
I’ve never been through a break-up, but I’ve helped a friend through a break up with her boyfriend of five years. Here are sort of the ground rules that I learned from it:
- Never, ever compare anything in your life to it. It may be that you’ve been through a similar situation, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not going to help to tell her that you’ve been there, it’s only going to make her feel alienated.
- Try not to be super happy about your own relationship in front of her. Yes, you theoretically should be able to be happy about your own life, but this is one of those times where you’re always going to have to put her first. If she asks about your relationship, answer briefly and move on.
- Gently steer her away from any relapses with him. If she has delusions that they’ll get back together (or that it’s a good idea), let her have them. It’ll help her deal with the fact that it’s over for good. If she tries to do anything about it, though, try to convince her that it’s a bad idea.
- Be there as much as you can when she really needs you. If she ever needs to pick something up from his house or they have any contact, offer to be there. It’ll be awkward, but that’s alright.
I think the most important thing to do is to just treat her very, very gently for awhile until she comes out the other side. Hopefully she’ll be okay in the end!
Post # 5
Regardless of the ‘evolution’ or feelings about her relationship, it does not change the fact that your best friend is heart broken. I believe supporting her, listening to her, trying to keep her busy, making her realize she is awesome, etawesome huge help!
There will come a time, hopefully, she will see he was a jerk…an ass hat (which, ps, I love that description!!), and vocalize that, but probably not right now. Which means, telling her those things will not help right now!!
I hope she finds happiness soon!