- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I wondered about going anonymous for this, but I figured I can always delete it if there’s a risk of someone finding it IRL.
Thing is, I’ve always felt a lot of critisism from my Mum. Let me start off by saying that she is, generally, a lovely person. Especially since I moved out last year she’s let me go a lot.
But there have always been critisisms about my appearance. When I hit twelve she started pressuring me to wear makeup and jewellery (I was a very late bloomer so at this age I didn’t want anything to do with it). I actually managed to resist makeup altogether until I turned sixteen and decided I wanted to start wearing it for myself.
When I did turn sixteen a few things started. Mum went out and bought me a box hair dye because she didn’t like the colour of my hair – I’d always been against dying it and when I tried to say I didn’t want it I was told she’d spent the money now so I had to. Since then I’ve not been able to get my hair back to its normal colour, and that depresses me a lot.
She also started with comments about my weight. At my prom I wore a UK size 10 (US size 8?) and when I tried on my dress the first thing she did was tell me I needed some ‘extra control’. I was sixteen – and she went out and bought me some control pants because otherwise my belly was going to stick out.
As soon as I hit a size 10 she started telling me that I shouldn’t gain anymore weight. She told me that double figures are bad enough but anything over a 10 and I’d look heavy. I went through a very difficult two years of bullying at college and as a result got depressed. I ate tons to cheer myself up and gained weight, and now I’m not depressed but I still settle at a UK size 18 (US 16?).
I know I’m not skinny but some of the comments really hurt. Just yesterday I saw her and she greeted me by patting my belly and saying ‘have you gained some weight love, you’ve got a right belly on you’. It made me feel awful. She’s said some incredibly harsh things about it in the past, telling me that she doesn’t want to go shopping with me in case she bumps into her colleagues, or that she’s scared people will judge her parenting based on my weight. The worst thing is when she told me not to go to my cousin’s wedding if I wasn’t going to lose weight because if I did then she would be ashamed to be seen with me.
Last christmas she decided I needed some knee-high boots (I asked for ankle boots) and took me to various shops where she reduced me to tears by trying to force tight boots onto my calved and then getting annoyed when my calves were too fat for them.
And when I showed her a nice dress I bought the first thing she said is ‘you need control pants’. I then burst into tears because I was already wearing them because I knew she’d tell me I needed them. When we went to try on wedding dresses I found one I fell in love with but she keeps telling me I can’t wear ball gowns because they ‘make a bigger girl look massive’. She keeps trying to force me to wear ruched satin even though she knows I don’t like it. She spent the first six months of my engagement trying to get me to lose weight for it, and sulked when I told her no.
It’s not just my looks she critisises either. She constantly tells me that my house is a mess, when she’s alone in my house she cleans the whole place because it’s not up to her standard. She tells me I’m too immature, careless and thoughtless to own a dog and even suggested that my idea of discipline is to ‘beat a child senseless’. I never said that and was horrified that she was suggesting I would do something like that!
Thing is that when you catch her on a bad day she’ll bite your head off, but 70% of the time she is a loving, sweet mother who only wants what’s best for me. I don’t hate her and I don’t want to cut her off, but my attempts to tell her she’s hurting me always seem to fall on deaf ears – she just says ‘I’m your Mum and I’m looking out for you. I’m just being honest because that’s what Mums do, and I’d be a bad Mum if I lied to you.”
And that’s it – I don’t mind if she thinks this stuff about me. I don’t mind if she looks at me and thinks I look like a whale. I just don’t want her opinions to be forced down my throat when I never, EVER ask for them.
Can anyone give me some advice on this? I’m dreading wedding planning for this reason.