(Closed) Sometimes I just want to scream “It’s me or them!”

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Not really, for the most part, if it’s someone I can’t stand, chances are he can’t stand them either.  We usually look at each other signaling to each other that we’re gonna have a shit talking session as soon as they leave, haha.  

What is it that they say exactly?  Maybe he didnt notice that they’re being snarky with you?

Post # 4
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Booo 🙁 You will have to speak up! You need your SO be at your side and behind you now more than ever.

Also , I’m just wondering how things are going? Isn’t your SO the same guy who took issue with your weight and used it as an engagement factor? 

Post # 5
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yup, he has a couple, actually they are the gf’s of his friends. Long story short, he chose me, not them. I didnt ask him to, but he saw how miserable they make me when I am around them.

Post # 6
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@pharmy:  What do they get snarky about? Any particular topics?

Post # 7
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My ex-ILs were like that.  I used to tell XH about it but since it was family, they resulted in arguments…him standing up for them all the time and making me feel like crap.  For years, I kept my mouth shut…as in, I would go over and only speak if they spoke to me.  They started questioning him as to what was wrong with me since I used to talk so much.  

It was a huge issue in our relationship and I resented him for not standing up for me. In counseling I was told to be super nice to them b/c maybe I was part of the problem.  So I did and guess what?  Nothing changed, it was them.  XH saw it and was repulsed by his family.  He started to see their true colors but it was too late by then…years of being treated like dirt had changed me and I got out.  

Post # 8
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yeah. So much for you can pick your friends but not your family, eh!

Post # 9
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It’s interesting that you don’t care for his friends.  I would think you two would have the same taste in friends.  It’s really unfortunate that he doesn’t stand up for you when necessary.  That may be a sign.  

Post # 10
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@2ndtime:  Why would couples have the same “taste” in friends? My FIs friends and my own could not be more different if they were from other planets, in fact, I think they are! Most of his friends are ok, we get along, but they are not people I’d normally be friends with with were it not for him. However, a couple of their gfs are drama llamas….gh.

Post # 11
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My Fiance used to have these super immature friends before we moved when he was on the volunteer fire dept.  All the guys their were like super immature – openly cheated on their girlfriends (that part he didn’t agree with but just stayed out of it), they just plain were like 18 and just caused havoc and acted like morons all the time and thought they were so cool. He was a few years older but OFCOURSE he got involved in all their immature and dangerous games. I sware they made him more immature.

I couldn’t ignore it . I tried to just let him have the friends he wanted but I couldnt hide it – he knew i hated it.   I grew to despise the FD altogether just because of the people that were on it. I’m still convinced it destroyed us. We didn’t get better until we moved and those guys were no longer a part of his life. You are who you hang out with. If he didn’t get a new job and we had to move we may not have made it… he needed to get away and grow up.

He still says he misses his friends but he hasn’t seen them in a while. Now he has older friends that give him advice like “a happy wife is a happy life” lol

 

Post # 12
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I like my SO’s best friend, and I do not mind hanging out with him and his gf, at all…however, sometimes he drives me bananas.  Honestly, he likes me too, but he does not like his best friend with a gf.  Ironic…since he is in a relationship and has a child with her 🙂 

With that said, I can admit that there is a certain sense, I believe, of jealousy of what me and my SO have created together – between careers, a home, etc.  However, that is my opinion only. And well, let’s be honest, my SO before we met/dated had a lot of ‘funny’ stories about dates/bar scenes/hooking up, that I believe his best friend was ‘enjoying’ as a way to live thru him – since he has a family!!

It took about 5 months into my relationship for me to express my concerns with my SO, and coincidentally, for him to tell his best friend that I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE, so deal with it!!  Thank GOD he stood up for me.  Since then, things are a lot better, in that, I feel more respected by his best friend…

I agree with you, I will never make him choose between me and him, but I will communciate concerns with my SO if/when they come up.  If – depending on the situation – my SO does not handle them, then I have no problem making the decision on my own…it is not ME, so enjoy HIM!!

Post # 13
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s not my fiance’s friends that I can’t stand, its one friend’s girlfriend. She and I used to be really close and we worked together and we lived together for a very short while. we got into an arguement and she told me she hoped my mom killed herself. (My mom has bipolar and has attempted suicide in the past and she knew that). It turned into a huge mess and now I can’t even stand my fiance speaking to her. I hate that it’s like this because I’d love to be close to his best friend but I just can’t because of her. 

Post # 14
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I can tell you from experience that if you feel like saying “its them or me”, when it comes down to it, he will let you walk.  A man who loves his fi would never let you be talk to or about like that.  This is an issue with him.

Post # 15
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Rrabbetsgirl:  I would think, and even believe, that a successful couple has a lot in common, including the overall character of the people they choose to hang around.  Of course there will be differences in personalaties, but values, disposition, etc. would be similar.  I believe in the saying… “We are the company we keep.”  I suppose as we get older (as I am probably am a bit older than you) we become less afraid to cut off ties with people who are not like minded.  

*I like the term “drama llama.”  I’m going to use that from now on.  : )

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