(Closed) Sometimes I wonder if I’m really crazy…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@greenviolets: The time when he didn’t show up to the family event & contact you was unacceptable. And 4-5 hours after a given time with no contact is too. Both of these circumstances I find to be disrespectful. But if Fiance went out to grab coffee and it took him an extra 1 1/2 hours I wouldn’t be upset unless he knew I was making dinner (which is rare) or we had plans or something. There have been plenty of times I meet a Girlfriend after work for a drink and it ends up being a longer affair than we planned, no biggie.

When he goes out with his buddies what do you normally do? Do you stay home and wait for him? Maybe you guys could do some more activities together and if he has plans with the boys make that an reason to catch up with a Girlfriend or two?

Post # 4
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My Fiance was terrible for this too… although not quite as extreme (he’d never stay out a whole night and not call).  But he’d go out with his  buddies after work for a beer every once in a while and he’d say I’ll be home around 7… 7 passed and he wasn’t home.  I used to let it really bother me so the solution we came up was this… just don’t give me a time if you really don’t know when you’ll be back.  That doesn’t mean he can stay out until all hours and not call or text, your Fiance should never do that.  But this has really helped us, he doesn’t feel like he’s going to get bitched at for not being home on the dot and you’re not just sitting there STARING at the clock expecting him to be late.  Plus I take into account when I go out with my girlfriends I do the exact same thing and say… oh yeah I’m just going out for an hour or two.. 4 margaritas later… you know what I mean? I would cut him a little slack.  BUT don’t let him away with the overnight thing or standing you up for prior engagements you guys had already planned.

Post # 6
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t think you are crazy to want to work through it, especially if he wants to.

while i think trust is a big issue i think the biggest problem here is his lack of respect for you. (which in turn causes trust issues) As a partner he should should always put you first and you guys should be ‘in’ on each others comings and goings IMO – not in a controlling sense…but its just respectufl. If my husband told me he was going to be home at a certain time and wasnt and hours went by i would be freaking out – seriously – what if something happened to him?  if he tells you he is going to be home at a certain he should be, and if he is going to be late he should call. Its a simple matter of being respectful and thinking of others before yourself.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You’re not crazy. Of course you want him to be able to have a life but that’s really irresposible of him. Coming home late is normal, he should be able to enjoy himself but when he says he’ll met you somewhere and then doesn’t even call to let you know he won’t make it, that’s really wrong.

You should keep telling him how he hurts you by this, otherwise he just won’t stop, he should be willing to meet you half way, maybe have a rule of you calling him to let him know he’s late when he’s meeting you, and making sure he calls you when he’ll be more than 3 hours late at night just so you know he’s ok.

Post # 9
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all, he needs to call it what it is. That isn’t “socializing” – its breaking promises, being unreliable, and not being responsible enough to take .5 seconds to text you that he’s running later than he anticipated.

It would probably cause way more tension if you started giving him a hard time every time he goes out – so you’ll need to find a compromise.

When he goes out, he needs to give you a time to expect him home. Thats completely reasonable. If he isn’t going to be home within an hour of when he told you he would be, he needs to text you.  If he can’t manage that, I’d say there is a more serious issue going on here, because thats a pretty basic respectful thing to do for someone you love.  If he DOES text you, you have to be fair and not give him a hard time for staying out as long as he keeps in touch with you.

Post # 12
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

I know how you feel, to an extent.  My Darling Husband is notorious for being late.  He even told me at the beginning of our relationship that his biggest downfall is his lateness.  I’ve learned that I can’t always wait for him to call me, I sometimes have to be the one to ask, “Whats your 20?”. Nothing wrong with shooting him a text when it seems to be getting a bit late and you haven’t heard anything.

Communication is key, always, so I think if this is really bothering you should sit him down and explain that if he thinks that he’s going to be late, or realizes he’s lost track of time, a simple text or phone call will suffice, letting you know he’ll be X amount of time, or doesn’t think he’ll make it.

 

Post # 14
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You aren’t crazy.

Men don’t quite understand how women think.  I had to explain to my H after we first moved in together “it isn’t that I want to keep tabs on you, it’s that I worry when you are later than you said you would be.”  I explained to him that all I needed was a text, or a quick check in if he was going to be late, and that would be perfect.  

The thing is, I legitimately DO worry if my H isn’t home when he says he will be.  I picture him in an accident or worse.  They don’t always understand this, but if you explain, it wiill probably get better.

Post # 15
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting to work through it.  Assuming he’s never cheated or done drugs during these outings…  If he’s willing to work on these issues, then it’s worth it to stick around.  If he’s not, I’d have to end it because I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Post # 16
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

It sounds like he wants to TELL you he’ll be gone for a shorter amount of time so that on the front end you’ll be less likely to object, not realizing that it hurts more when he misses that mark.

For example. Getting coffee with a friend. I don’t know what your neighborhood is like but where I am, I don’t even know if I could drive to a coffee shop, order my drink, sit down, finish it, and get home in 30 minutes. Honestly. It sounds like he’s undershooting and needs to be more realistic in general. If he thinks he’s going to have a good time and things won’t be wrapped up before 9 p.m. like you hope they will, he should tell you that up front and you should either negotiate or accept it.

Is this making any sense? It just reminds me of growing up and my mom would say “Dinner in five minutes!” thinking that we would dawdle and waste time getting to the table, but when we showed up with hands washed in three minutes and dinner wasn’t ready for FIFTEEN minutes, well, I wish I would’ve known that! Those 12 minutes of waiting were torture!

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