(Closed) Sometimes Resent My FI [VENT]

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Disregard initial post. This is a very touchy topic. I feel for you op. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  leekissesme.
Post # 3
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

I think you’re a saint…I wouldn’t have been able  to stick around through all of this. Good luck with everything. 

Post # 5
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

Haha no way girl, you’re just venting over a situation that has lasted years and will likely last through your entire life. Nothing to feel bad about. Others (like myself) wouldn’t even have stuck around for this long so you’re in sainthood territory for sure. 

Post # 6
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee

I couldn’t stay with someone like that. If you love him and want to marry him, you’ll probably need to accept that this will be your life, probably forever. I would take a very long and hard look at what you want your life to be, and if he fits in it.

Post # 7
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
Roaringinthefall:  wow, you are very patient to have put up with it all.

i saw a trend in your post — he quits everything that is difficult for him or doesn’t like.  He isn’t going to get anywhere in life with that kind of attitude.  If you stay with him, be prepared for that instability and having to take on the burden of all the financial hardships.

Post # 8
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

Things are not going to change (and you are beginning to realize that). It’s going to be something you do because you want to do it or something you walk away from. You’re already growing a little resentful and I do not think it would work long-term. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him, you simply do not want to support a dependent man.

Post # 9
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Hello bee, 

bigs hugs to you- I have been dealing with something very similar. It certainly isn’t easy and you need to surround yourself with supportive friends and family. My husband has had many health issues (Ross river fever, then chronic fatigue, then a Thanks In Advance (mini stroke), surgery to fix a hole in his heart, and now anxiety and depression as a result of all of this). There was a period where he didn’t work for 2 years and I understand that feeling of working hard just to scrape by. There have definitely been times where I have wondered how my life might be different had a chosen a different partner, but you know what? I freaking ADORE my husband. He is a wonderful person and the things that have happened to him were not his fault. He would look after me no matter what. So though it’s been hard, it’s been worth it because I know true love is hard to find. If you truly love this man, you wont be able to live without him. Yes he will complicate your life by the sounds of things, but hopefully he enriches it in equal measures. If he doesn’t, or if the resentment starts to outweigh the love, maybe counselling would be helpful? prior to marriage I had to do a lot of soul searching but I truly think I made the right choice sticking around. Do I wish he was healthy and things were different? Hell yes. Do I resent him sometimes? Yup – especially when my needs aren’t bring met. But I love this guy and he is my person. You aren’t alone bee. Life can be tough for a lot of us. That’s when you get to experience TRUE love I think. It’s easy to be in love when life is easy. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. Xxxxx 

Post # 10
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, health issues aside, he doesn’t sound driven or motivated at all. Quitting his job because he doesn’t like his coworker? It’s not your responsibility to pay for his bills and, to be honest, I would have left a long time ago. My hard earned money would not go toward supporting someone who won’t pull their own weight. Like others have said, this isn’t going to change. 

Post # 11
Member
4153 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

That is A LOT of ailments that have kept him from working. Don’t hate me for saying this and I hope it doesn’t come out the wrong way BUT He reminds me of my FIs cousins husband. Just doesn’t like to work, gets hurt constantly and find excuses not to work… I’m not trying to be mean or unsupportive but this sounds suspicious.

Post # 12
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yes, he has health issues but much of the time, they’ve not stopped him from working. He has chosen to change jobs for frivolous reasons. He’s got you to prop him up and pay bills hence his blase attitude to work.

You’re only engaged, not married yet. You’re at the point where you realise that it is going to be like this for the rest of your life of you do marry. It’s OK to step back and look at the big picture and decide if that’s how you envisage or want for your future. I had a Boyfriend or Best Friend for 2 years. I adored him but one day, after he was again unemployed, driving an unregistered car, etc. I decided that if I stayed with him, I’d never have the things in life I wanted or planned on. Thinking with my head rather than my heart, I broke up with him out of the blue. I cried for 2 days but looking back I know it was the right thing for me.

There’s no harm in stepping back and catching your breath and having a think about things. Good luck.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  MrsMiller23.
Post # 13
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ok so these “medical mysteries” seem to pop up when he is bored of what he is doing and wants to do something else.  That to me isn’t a “mystery”, it is coincidence and I do not believe that all of these issues popped up making him “not able to work”.  Plus after the FIRST medical issue he should have realized that he would not be able to do labor.  Farming is such tough work and VERY physically demanding.  Once he recognized that he was having so many physical difficulties you know what he should have done?  Chosen a different career path.  If his body was/is not letting him be a laborer he needs to find something else to earn money.  But SURPRISE he doesn’t need to because you are here to pay for everything.

I think how he has dealt with this is very telling of his character.  He wants to be a better “supporter” of you and yet he isn’t willing to stay at a job for more than a few months from what it sounds.  You know what?  He needs to suck it up, like yesterday.  He needs to get a job that he is physically able to do to contribute towards bills.  Have you been paying his medical bills?  Does he even have insurance? If he’s job hopping so much that does not give me hope that he has consistent insurance…or if he does it sounds like you are probably paying for it.

You are right in this aspect — if you weren’t with this many your life would be drastically different.  You would probably be a hell of a lot happier.  You would leave the stress of supporting two grown adults in the dust.  You would have not just a boyfriend but a partner who does not dare even THINK of putting this financial stress and pressure on you  You would be equals instead of feeling like his mother.

Aren’t you tired of this yet?  This lazy pile has let you pay for his bills for 3+ YEARS.  He has not manned up to get a job and support you.  He has been a whiny brat who leaves a job any time it is too hard or he has to work with someone he doesn’t care for.  That is LIFE.  EVERYONE has people they have to work with who they do not care for.  EVERYONE.  There are waaaaayyy better men than this one out there.  Frankly you have done more than enough and he has shown that he will gladly just live off of your salary without even trying.  That isn’t a man…that’s a man-child.  You deserve so much better.

Post # 14
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

“They moved him to sales, which he hated. He quit that job and found another. He worked that for a bit, and then began to hate the guy he worked with. So, then he decided he wanted to go to school. During this time, I paid for everything.”

Wow. This is not acceptable. You do not quit your job as a grown man because you don’t like your job or your coworker. News flash – most people don’t like their jobs. But they wake up every day and go to work, because that’s what responsible adults do. 

You have enabled him to quit his job(s) on a whim and let this go on far too long. Do you want to live paycheck to paycheck the rest of your life? Marrying someone is about much more than just being in love – it is legally combining finances for life. Are you sure you want to be financially tied to a man who doesn’t want to work the rest of your life?

Post # 15
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Roaringinthefall: I’m sorry bee, but I really don’t think it will EVER change. You need to decide if you’ll be happy living like this for the rest of your life (and if you’re already resenting him, I don’t see that happening). Are you guys planning on having kids? I’m asking because if things don’t change, how will that work? How will you afford to take time off work right after givng birth if there is no income coming in to support you all? This may not even be an issue if you aren’t planning on having kids but it’s worth thinking about if you are.

My colleague went through this for ten years and although she has a beautiful baby boy right now, she always says she still wishes she had gotten out earlier. He was working and had just purchased a house when they met (she never thought to put her name on it because she just assumed they’d be together forever) but soon after all of these mysterious health issues started happening to him which could never be diagnosed and we all think he was either faking or suffering from Munchausen syndrome, along with “my boss is a jerk” at the first job he quit, “The guy I have to work with rubs me the wrong way” at the second one he quit, “I want to work for myself” so she paid for his mechanics course, “I can’t work without tools” so she paid for everything to set up the garage – for a business that hardly had any clients, “I hate mechanics” so then why choose to specialise in that? He did the whole quitting one of them without even discussing it with her. The whole nine yards. Then he started claiming it was all just because he was depressed and guilt tripped her into staying and supporting him. Ironically enough, he would still resent her though because she was the one supporting the household and he said he felt emasculated. Um, here’s an idea d*ckweed…get a f*cking job and start contributing then!! He would get frustrated and then become violent – not against her or the little one – but he would leave holes in walls and once even hurled a chair across the room when the poor child wasn’t that far away so I guess that’s abuse in itself. She left that night but a few weeks later with them working on it, she went back. Not long after that, he started complaining that he just felt like sh*t because they were living in an older, run-down place so the bright spark my colleague is (even she calls herself an idiot for this) TOOK OUT A PERSONAL LOAN to have an extension completed hoping it would make him feel better and he’d start working again. In the end she left for good – with an $8,000.00 loan in her name for an extension on a house she was no longer living in. He changed the locks so she couldn’t get any of her stuff until the property settlement. They only just worked everything out in court last week. Now the assh*le is taking her to court for spousal support!! They were never married (not engaged either) but because they lived together for so long, it’s considered a “common law marriage”. He’s working minimal hours now so he pays very little child support but expects her to pay him to live as well. It just grinds my gears!! She admits she was naive and she says she regrets it all right now (except for her son).

Oh and did I mention the LO was tongue-tied and needed to have that fixed around the deadbeat’s 40th birthday but instead of saving for that, he instead insisted on having a big party for his birthday. And not any old party either. His highness demanded a roast buffet and endless beer for his mates. She’s as much to blame for this as he is: Deadbeat was quite happy for money to be borrowed from another colleague of ours to pay for the party and then because they didn’t have money to get the LO’s tongue fixed, our boss felt bad for her and e-mailed everyone in our large office asking for donations – twice. Everyone was so uncomfortable and angry. We almost felt like screaming, ordinarily we’d be happy giving but spend the money on your child instead of on a f*cking party!! But that’s a vent for another day…

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