Post # 61
Honestly, you sound like a bright, strong woman and he’s stealing your light.
I would get it if you were both grinding and suddely something happened to one of you so one was supporting the other’s weight while they got back on their feet, but in this case, consciously or not, he’s feeding off of you and barely getting by without you.
You should both seek counseling, separately. Legitimate health issues or not, he needs to deal with them away from you.
I think you may also be partaking in a bit of ”bird with the broken wing”, once more, consciously or not.
It’s gut wrenching and I hurt for you just reading that you may inherit all of these medical bills that are not even yours…
It’s also gut wrenching to have to let go but soley based on what you have shared, you would be better off growing away from him & without out him.
All the best,
Post # 62
Roaringinthefall: I am truly sorry about all you are going through. I’m sure what I said a few pages back sounded like a kick in the gut but I think you need a reality check. I think you are afraid to leave because you know you are supporting him completely. And you know what? It’s not your fault and it is not your responsibility. You leaving actually would actually leave it up to him to step it up. He wouldn’t be enabled anymore. He would have to face his demons and face all these things it sounds like he is afraid to face (his father for example) and though it might be painful for him, it would be good for him. I know you love him. I know you want him to succeed. But to be completely honest you NEED to focus on you and your needs first.
Please believe me when I tell you this is not how a “man” acts. You are BUCKLING under this pressure — and rightfully so! Because of that I do not think this relationship is for you.
Post # 63
What does he do when he’s not working?
Does he do the cooking? Cleaning? Shopping? Is he lookinto into bettering himself in anyway (even just free online classes learning new skills?)?
If the answer is yes, then I think this might be forgiveable. If it’s a no, you need to tell him he needs to contribute SOMEHOW (even if it’s not financially) or that he needs to step it up and get a job.
Post # 64
If I were you I would leave. You are going to deal with this your whole life. Move on and you will find someone else who supports you and doesn’t need to live on your penny. I’m sorry but that is the cold hard truth.
Post # 65
Hi Fellow Bees – I wanted to add an update to this in case another Bee stumbles across this post with the same worries/issues in their relationship. I know that when I was struggling I read many posts and always wanted an update, so here goes…
Shortly after I made this post, I finally broke down and confessed to my Fiance at the time that I wasn’t happy. He didn’t really put up a fight to save the relationship, and we officially called it on 4/1 to call everything off. I felt guilty, and let him stay in the apartment and continued to pay for things while he dealt with his heart doctor and finding a new job, but in the end, he abused that favor and had ended up spending the money he was supposed to be saving to get his own place on dating new girls because he said he needed a distraction to stay sober. Lesson learned: Be kind, but don’t let someone take advantage of you.
After he officially got out of my apartment and life, I’ll admit that it was hard, but I used the anger/sadness I had to setting to work on myself. I started going to therapy each week, working out more, and eating better. I did more things with friends and made lists of things I had wanted to do but never did because ex-FI didn’t want to do it. I worked on a lot of stuff that I had swept under the rug in preference to focusing on what ex-FI needed to do – instead of myself.
Around mid-August, I was feeling like I was in a good place. I was active more, health improving, and focusing on my happiness/growth. I wanted to start putting myself out there so I downloaded Tinder to see if maybe a few dates would happen. I found a couple creeps, but then I met someone that I am now seeing exclusively. It’s funny because my original wedding date was 10/1, and I instead spent it with my new Boyfriend or Best Friend. We’ve talked about our pasts, so he knew what the date was, and it was interesting to realize that my life could have gone significantly different if I would have stayed. I would have missed out on making new friends, new experiences, and re-discovering hobbies that I let myself fall away from in my past relationship. I would have also missed out on this wonderful man I am dating now.
Hindsight is truly 20/20, but just know that if you have doubts or if you’ve felt like you’ve lost yourself in your relationship, to take a step back and really listen to yourself instead of quieting your inner voice like I did for so long.
Post # 66
ETA: deleted since old thread 🙂 glad things worked out for you OP!
Post # 67
Roaringinthefall : Good for you! I also got out of a bad relationship with someone who treated me badly after waiting too long to do so. Couldn’t have been a better decision for me.
I also got on Tinder, and met someone special. We’re now engaged and getting married next year. So glad I ended that bad relationship.
Good luck to you!
Post # 68
I didn’t realize this was an older post. So happy to hear the update though, good for you!!!
Post # 69
Roaringinthefall : i am so ecstatic for you! Great to hear you are doing better!
I really hope your ex’s health issues get better – i am sure he really did have some difficulties, but his attitude sure made things a whole lot worse!
Reading it really reminded me of my ex – he was a nice enough guy and i loved him, but boy did he just make stupid decisions that made my life difficult. I felt responsible for him – i was 20 years old and basically supporting him. I would go out of my way to get him jobs or drive him to interviews just for him to blow off the job in a matter of time for whatever reason.
He had a child from a previous relationship and i was the one who would try to sort out the custody stuff – it wasnt even my freaking kid! He was just lazy and never going to change. He would get speeding tickets in my car that i would have to pay for etc.
it took me a while to get over him, but it was the best thing i have ever done. I am so much happier! and now engaged to a great guy who i met online (pre-tinder, but probably a similar app). I wish you a lifetime of happiness!
Post # 70
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
Yay for the update! All these “medical mysteries” reminded me of my ex, who also had a few “medical issues” that doctors could never diagnose, while at the same time constantly getting fired or quitting jobs. I came to see a pattern when he would always suddenly be ill or in pain whenever there was an argument, as a way of controlling the situation. It was all manipulation. I’m glad you got out of that bee.
Post # 71
Thank you so much for updating bee, and thrilled you are in a happier, better place!
Post # 72
Such a great update! I’m so glad you’re doing so well and it was awfully generous to update to inspire others who have similar doubts.