Post # 1
Long story short, Fiance and I got into an argument last night about the venue and guest list. I’d like Bees’ opinions because maybe I’m being the unreasonable one.
1) Would it be upsetting as a guest to be unable to see the actual ceremony because there wasn’t enough room in the ceremony area? Would you rather just attend a reception after a private ceremony if everyone couldn’t comfortable fit in the ceremony area and see it? Or would you care about such things (ceremony itself is going to be 10 minutes long).
2) For Bees who have children/are knowledgeable of children: Is it reasonable or unreasonable to think two children (ages 8 and 11) should be able to entertain themselves for three hours by interacting with the adults when there are no other children in attendance? Would it be looked down on to let them have their iPads/kindles? (These are my kids, so mom entertaining them the whole time is out of the question, obviously).
3) A math question (lol): Invites have been out for 3 weeks. RSVP deadline is not for another three weeks. 44 atttendees have already RSVP’ed yes, and 54 are outstanding. No one has said no yet. Is it reasonable to assume that only about 20 more people will attend, so it’s ok to invite more people?
Haven’t said which one of us thinks what because I don’t think that’s the important thing here. I would just like to hear others’ thoughts since Fiance and I can’t agree at the moment.
Post # 2
1) Um yes [I’d be upset], whats the point of going to a ceremony if you can’t see it? This sounds like a huge planning misstep.
2) No kids, no idea
3) DON’T INVITE MORE PEOPLE. Especially if you are already struggling to fit people into the ceremony. I don’t like a B list, but IF you do this, you need to at least wait until you get declines, not just assume.
Post # 3
1. I’d be pissed. And think poorly of both of you for doing that to your guests. Some people don’t give a fig about seeing the actual ceremony, but some people do. I feel really awkward about not attending a ceremony and going to the reception. I’d rather just decline than skip the actual ceremony.
2. I’m not a parent. If your 8 and 11 year old can’t behave themselves for 3 hours I’d be thinking some uncharitable thoughts about the parents. I wouldn’t bat an eye if they used iPads with the volume on LOW.
3. No that is not okay. Especially as you don’t even have room for all the guests you invited. You’ll see lots of online articles telling you “X percent of your guests will decline” but that’s not set in stone. Your amount of Yes responses may surprise you!
Post # 4
1) It would be weird to be invited to a wedding and then not be able to see the actual ceremony itself. If this was a reception-only deal I think that should have been indicated in the invitations.
2) You know your kids. Can you hire a sitter just in case?
3) I wouldn’t assume anything. People love to RSVP at the last moment and you’ll be out of luck if more people than you expect say they’re coming. I tend to lean towards B list invites being rude anyway, but if you must do this I would wait until after the deadline has passed and you have a better idea of how many people are coming.
Post # 5
1- personally I care about the ceremony and to me is the most important bit
2- your kids your choice
3- do not assume people won’t come
Post # 6
1) I’d find that strange/annoying. I would rather just be invited to the reception in that case (UK bee here so it is considered OK to have private ceremony/big reception and to have evening guests)
2) My child is a lot younger than that, but if they are your kids, do what works for them. I think if they want their kindle then sure let them sit in a corner and watch it.
3) Don’t invite more people just yet. A lot of people will be waiting until the deadline to RSVP. Not because they don’t know if they are coming or not, but just because they saw a deadline and have promptly forgetten about it until that deadline. Once then deadline has passed, then invite more to fill any spaces you have.
Post # 7
1) Yes I’d be upset/annoyed about this.
2) As long as your kids aren’t getting in the way of anything I don’t see what the problem is with them playing on their iPads or whatever. Also I’m assuming that since they’re your kids that they’ll know other guests in attendance (your parents?) so it’s not like they’d have to solely rely on you to keep them busy.
3) No. Don’t assume. Do not invite any more people. Especially since it sounds like ceremony space is already super tight.
Post # 8
Agree with most of PPs here
1. I’d be annoyed. The ceremony is one of the sweetest parts and I would be pretty peeved if I was left out of that, especially if some guests got to go and others didn’t.
2. I don’t have kids, but I wouldn’t care if I was at a wedding (or at my wedding) and two young kids were on an iPad of sorts. As long as they were behaving themselves, not making a ruckus, and the volume was low, wouldn’t make a difference to me.
3. No no no do not invite more people (unless the venue has the capacity, but I’m gathering it does not). Especially since you’ve already received so many yesses, I’d be hesistant to assume that more than half of the remaining RSVP’s come back as no’s.
Post # 9
1) The entire point of going to a wedding is seeing the ceremony, so yeah, I would be upset.
2) an 8 and 11 year old should know how to behave at an adult event for a few hours. Give them whatever gadgets you want as long as they behave.
3) No. You know what happens when you assume.
Post # 10
1) yes I’d be annoyed at not being able to see the ceremony. I’m also UK so fine with a private ceremony and reception after BUT if I’m invited to the ceremony, I expect to be able to see. However, your social circle may frown upon separate receptions, it depends largely where you are. Although, regardless if the invites are out now with ceremony information then those people will be expecting to witness the ceremony.
2) you know your kids best. When my dad got married I was 6, we didn’t have iPads or kindles but they didn’t allow me to read my books or find things to entertain me (I think I might have been allowed some colouring for the meal). They expected me to spend some time with family and enjoy the party. UK weddings are also a lot longer than 3 hours, more like 12 and whilst I went to bed early and wasn’t around for the entire wedding I was still expected to behave and just get on with it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your 8 year old and 11 year old to be engaged with your wedding for 3 hours. But like I said, you know your kids best, if that’s an unreasonable request then work something out.
3) don’t invite more people. You still have a while until your RSVP deadline and RSVPs will still come in after that deadline. You can’t assume what the decline rate will be because it varies from wedding to wedding.
Post # 11
1) I would be upset, unless the invites were for reception only and a separate invitation went out for the private ceremony (and when I say private, I suggest it be you, your FH, and your parents/grandparents/children-that’s it)
2) I don’t have kids, but there will only be 4 children at our wedding (11, 10, 9, 8) and they will be expected to entertain themselves (though I will probably get some coloring/activity books for them)
3) do NOT invite more people. While I think it’s OK to expect 5-10% of the guest list to say “no” under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t invite anybody else, even if there are some no’s, because you can’t fit everybody in your ceremony to begin with.
I think it might be helpful to give us the capacity of the ceremony space and the capacity of the reception space, so that we can make more informed suggestions
Post # 13
1) I would be annoyed at not being able to see. I’d also be annoyed at being invited to reception only, but that is custom in some places and I don’t know where you are.
2) You will get judged no matter what, so don’t bother with that. I don’t have a problem with the iPads as three hours is a long time to sit and do nothing- which is what you would be asking them to do. Adults aren’t going to engage them in conversation for long amounts of time.
3) No. You could have very well exceeded this just with people who’s RSVPs are in the mail right now. You have no way to guarantee that everyone who is invited won’t come. Or in this case that at least 2/3 of the people invited don’t come. I also find it obnoxious to invite people who never got a save-the-date with less than three weeks to get a reply to you. Of course, I don’t like the practice as I think if these people were important to you they would have been on your first list.
Post # 14
Everyone seems to be in agreement at this point, so I don’t think it will sway anything by me giving details.
Our venue is a two-story venue that has capacity for 150 people. We were planning to have the ceremony on the top level. Fiance and I had some conflicts about inviting plus ones because I was concerned about being able to fit everyone comfortably for the ceremony itself. The wedding and ceremony are casual, we aren’t doing seating for the ceremony itself, so our original guest list would be fine (we invited 115 (including plus ones), but quite a few are out of town and won’t be able to make it and we knew not everyone would bring their plus one). Because of the capacity concerns, we haven’t invited everyone we’d like to yet (we did not do save the dates or anything). I’ve been concerned that we may have invited too many and have, admittedly, been anxious about this. I want guests to be comfortable.
Fiance tells me yesterday that he has invited two more people and may have invited two more on top of that. I got upset and Fiance felt I was overreacting because he thinks most of the people who have not RSVP’ed yet will not come, which I disagreed with. We went around in circles, but basically, Fiance thought I was too concerned about our guests being able to watch the ceremony as he thinks most won’t care as long as the party/reception is fun. He thinks I’m overestimating the number of people who will still RSVP yes, so he didn’t see anything wrong in inviting more people already. It became this argument about me being overanxious, him being stubborn, me worrying too much about our guests enjoying things rather than it being our wedding, and him not caring about offending out guests – not our finest hour.
Anyways, that’s the backstory. He’s agreed not to invite any more people, but he still thinks I’m overanxious and I think he’s being dense, lol. I know 4 people isn’t anything to lose my head over, but I wanted a reality check about the underlying issues we are disagreeing about. Weddings can be bizarrely stressful at times.
Post # 15
Oh, and the questions about iPads and kindles was because it looks as though my niece won’t be able to make it and I agreed not to invite any other kids out of space concern, so I wanted my kids to have their kindles/iPads available in case they got bored during the reception (obviously, not during the ceremony) and Fiance thought they shouldn’t have that option.