(Closed) Son of a Biscuit…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I have to give you props for being able to tell him to man up, because I agree with you–if he doesn’t know now, he’ll never know. It’s not fair for him to keep you waiting around forever, thinking he can just string you along and you’ll stay. Have you told him that you’ll leave if a decision isn’t reached?

Post # 4
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

To be honest, I’m not sure what you should do to begin with. You seem to have done all you can. And, it really does seem like it’s him not you. If I were you I probably would sit down myself for a little “homework” and really evaluate the relationship and whether or not you are willing to continue to wait this undetermined amount of time for him to decide if you are the one or not. It will be your choice whether or not you can wait for him when you seem to have waited quite awhile already. I wish you tons of luck, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders!! 🙂

Post # 5
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I am in almost the EXACT same situation as you.  My boyfriend spent a whole day and thought of everything that was keeping him from proposing or wanting to.  I know exactly how you feel about how at this point its like beating a dead horse.  It leaves me feeling at a total loss because if he doesn’t know after 3.5 years (4 in my case), I don’t feel like he ever will… Maybe thats just more of a female mentality and something in guys might actually change??  I don’t know about you but the fact that he hasn’t had that “A ha!” moment also doesn’t make me feel the best.  I still don’t understand after four years how he hasn’t felt that urge to be engaged or propose…

Sorry I don’t have any advice, it seems like there isn’t much to do in a situation like this, apart from leaving, and it sounds like you don’t want to do this (neither do I).  Just thought I’d let you know that I know how you feel and you aren’t alone… Let me know if you figure out any sort of solution.

Post # 6
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I saw something yeterday on another post with the question like, “if I’m good enough to be your “forever” girlfriend”, why am I not good enough to be your wife?”

For some reason, a lot of men mentioned on these boards seem to have a hard time understanding thay while they are happy coasting through life on the relationship front, a woman kinda needs to know that she’s not going to be ditched one day for a younger, thinner model… which is kinda what telling you he’s not sure means – he wants to keep his options open… but for what? (sorry if some of my own personal frustration comes through this).  In a way, it’s almost insulting for a man to say, “I want you to be with me, I don’t want to break up, but I don’t know how I feel about marraige.”  I mean, does that mean A) He really, really doesn’t know how he feels about marriage, has never thought about it and figured that kinda thing was years away in his life and of no concern, or  B) he knows how he feels and doesn’t feel he wants it wth you, but likes having you around because it beats being alone and he can have a Girlfriend when he wants, but then pull away because you’re “not married” when it suits him?

I really don’t get it.  I think you need to try to not talk about it with him if you can, but also try to just do things for yourself and decide how you feel about this relationship if you NEVER get married – would you stay?  What would/should you do if you decide by your deadline to make drastic changes?  Taking charge a bit by making sure you have money set aside for a move/break up and that you can split up a shared household is you decide he’s never going to be able to give you what you want and you’d rather be single and sure of yourself than half of a couple who can’t decide where it’s going.  While this might sound crazy, maybe the act of doing so will make you feel better about staying, since you won’t feel quite so powerless about your future. 

Post # 9
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@LoveMyDogs:  Wow, your situation and SO sounds just like mine.  Especially the  – indecisiveness, poor sense of time, auditor requiring “proof” for everything, admitted disdain for spending money.  Except my SO’s parents are still together while mine are divorced.  I guess there is no real ryme or reason to why these men will not commit.  I’m really at the end of my rope too so you are not the only person in the world that feels the way you do.  It just makes no sense.  I just hate how I have to push and pry all the time.  One thing that I have done is not go or tell my SO that I’m not going out of town to see his family.  I went the last time because it was Christmas and he begged and cried for me to go and finally said that he was really thinking about marriage.  We will see about that!!  I’m going to talk to him again this weekend.  Sigh.  If I don’t get some real answers by V-Day he’s is going to have to move out.  I own my own home too so I know what you mean by hard to kick someone out but gosh what is a girl to do.  Wait forever?  I’m not!!

Post # 10
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I was just having this discussion with a friend a few weeks back. I’d mentioned how I’d told Fiance that I would not be someone’s girlfriend for 7+ years (this was around our 5/6 yr mark). He knew that I am interested in dating if it’s going to lead to a solid relationship and a marriage, that’s my view on dating and he knew that when we got together in high school. We’d clearly hit that solid relationship phase, but I understood the waiting for college to be wrapping up, so 7 years was right for me.

It’s not that I would just stop loving him, or that I would just pack up and leave that day (or kick him out in your situation), but I let him know that I would not be waiting around for the rest of my life for him to make a decision that I had already made (that I love him, am committed, want to be married, etc). Some of my friends were aghast that I’d make an ‘ultimatum’ like that, but I didn’t see it that way. I saw it as a promise to myself to live my life the way I wanted. And I want a family and a husband and a solid, committed relationship. Even if he is amazing in all ways, if he is not willing to commit to that after so long, then I do not need to feel obligated to stay while someone else makes decisions. I’m an adult too, I can make decisions about our relationship as well.

We did get engaged about a half a year/year later, and I think part of it was because he really finally understood that I meant it when I said that I wanted to marry him, and also that I valued myself enough to not be waiting around hanging by a string. The recommendation from another bee to do your own ‘homework’ is smart. Really think through whether you love him so much that you’d be willing to stay, even if he doesn’t propose, or would you be waiting and waiting for it all the time? If you can be with him and be fine that you’re not getting married, then stay. But if you think you’d be happier starting fresh and finding someone who really wants that commitment, then you know that it’s time to express that to him one last time. 

Post # 11
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@LoveMyDogs:  I understand about not wanting to kick him out if he’s in your home.  I paid our rent for about 6 years, and the lease and half the bills were in my name  (yes, my relationship falls far outisde “normal”, and we started dating so young and have had so many things brought on by my family and poor decisions on his part that we’re kinda “behind” for where we should be, at least so I think), and during that time we reached a point where I was close to leaving or telling him to go.  I figured since most of the furniture was his it’d be easier for me to be the one who leaves, and planned on only taking my clothes and a few items that were 100% mine, not shared.  He never seemed to take it seriously that I would leave until I received an unexpected pension and bought myself a car.  I think that shook him up and scared him a bit, and things improved for us after that – granted, more slowly than I’d like, but there HAS been improvement.  I guess I can’t expect to go from crawling to marathon races, so I can harldy expect to go from 20s full of “marriage doesn’t mean anything” to a proposal in our early 30s, not when he’s barely getting his life on track for himself.  I’m mostly on here because, yes, I am waiting, but my wait has no real deadline, and I’ve decided I will 85% most likely stay – I’ve already put too much into this and have had so many relationships end with family and friends it’s harder for me to decide to leave, even if I’ll never be 100% happy with being a forever girlfriend.

In your case, if you are decided about marriage with him, or breaking up, then you need to make a few decsions now about what belongs to whom, do you both take a dog, are they both yours or his (I was going to take my kitties if I could), because if you wait until your deadline for a decision on his part, emotions might make it hard for you to decide some of these things.  Maybe in some cases make it known that your currently AREN’T officially partners, as much as you’d like to be, as long as he’s “not sure”, so you’re going to be doing things and making decisons as a single woman, because until he makes a decision, that’s what you are.  You’re right – there is no new set of circumstances that can occur to “make” him make up his mind, short of some life-threatening calmity.  You’re already living life as you would as a married couple, as your current work and living arrangements allow.  He’s not going to suddenly find out you’re a midnight vigilante or you find out he’s secrelty the “real” Prince of Wales.   

Marraige IS a leap of faith that you will love, honor and cherish the other person as long as you both shall live.  It’s a leap of faith that the Man upstairs will allow you the circumstances to ahve a home and family together, that you won’t be parted before many, many years have passed. 

I hope he gets on the ball with you – I think some guys who were too nervous around the recent holidays might wait for Valentine’s Day, so I’d try to back off as much as possilbe, do what you need to for you, and try to keep the resentment fairy at bay as long as you can until your deadline.  It’s weird how these days women are far more sure they want to get married to their partners than men – what makes it so different?  That’s a question I’d really like to hear from a male-Bee about.

Post # 12
Member
3304 posts
Sugar bee

@dunlapsangel: Great advice- good luck OP…. you may have to reevaluate things since he STILL doesn’t know if you are the one.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I think you’re approaching this very well. Although the SOGOTP Day is daunting, you really have to weigh your life goals and see what’s important. If you want kids and a family by a certain age, then you have to consider if his dilly dallying would prevent that or put you in a spot where you’re uncomfortable with waiting three, four or five more years, then I’d send him packing and realize that there are many men out there who are wonderful and want the same things you do.

I’m in a very similar situation to you (4 1/2 years, here), so I’m posting this as reinforcement for myself because my SOGOTP Day is coming up this summer (our jobs are two hours apart, so we live near them but we have discussed moving somewhat near the middle ground).  If he hasn’t made up his mind on whether we’re moving in (and I’ve stipulated that if we move in then we must be engaged within that year) once my lease renewal comes in June or July, then I’ll have to stay put and go on with my life.  It’s a tough decision to make, but it’s hard to keep doubting yourself and your relationship when EVERYTHING seems like it’s perfectly lined up for a lifetime of happiness. I’m not sure where these guys get off leaving us in the lurches. We are smart, independent women who have goals that are being put on hold for them. I’d love to own my own home soon, but I can’t do that until I know I have a commitment from him because our relationship would affect where I’d buy a place (I’d live a heck of a lot closer to the city rather than moving out to suburbia and having an hour and a half train commute like I may have if I move in with him, that’s for sure!). Also, I’d like to have a family, and if he isn’t interested in pursuing this with me, then I’d like to head for greener pastures and at least give myself some time to date and build a relationship with someone (which hopefully wouldn’t take 5 years like it has with him, or I’ll be knocking on 35!).

Of course, I’m good at talking the talk on this board, but as you know, it’s much easier to talk than act on it. My advice would be to make sure you stand your ground and make sure the resentment doesn’t get too deep.  Once that seeps in, then it’s hard to have a healthy, lasting relationship.

Let’s hope these guys get it together and realize what they’re doing and don’t let the opportunity pass them by!

Post # 15
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@LoveMyDogs:  To be honest, it sounds like you’re already becoming a little bit bitter.  Perhaps explaining that to him will show him that time will only make it worse.  Tell him “yeah, so my official date is 6mos out, but I can’t lie to you.  I feel a little bit of resentment/bitterness and I’ve tried really hard to keep it down, but as time passes…I’m afraid my feelings have intensified and will only continue to do so”.  Because it’s true! If he waits until the VERY last minute (like literal minute) to propose, will you accept happily?  Will you say “FINALLY!” and thrust your hand out expectantly?  Or will you say “you know what…now *I’m* not really sure…”?  At this point in your relationship, he’s not going to learn anything new about you in 6 months, but he should know that if he dawdles, YOU might be the one whose feelings may change. 

Sure you’ll wait until your anniversary, but you’re already thinking of packing yourself up.  You should do that box thing so that he knows that you’re already making moves to set up your departure.  Enforce that he has UP to the anniversary to propose or you leave straight away, not that he has until the anniversary to do it and THEN you’ll work on packing stuff up (packing time during which he might think he can change your mind).  There is no leeway!  Boys love leeway and like to think they have it with everything concerning someone they love. 

Did I ever tell you about the EXboyfriend that said “I forgot to get you flowers for today but I figured I’d just get some for you tomorrow.  I mean it’s still around Valentine’s day!  Why are you upset?”.  So make sure he knows that the date IS the date IS the date. Not the date +/- 1 week. 

 

I rarely make sense, so sorry if I’m confusing.  Such is the nature of mewcakes…

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