Soon to be ex husband has given up all rights to the children he has raised

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 78
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is a hot mess 🙁

You’ve said this isn’t about money, but if I were in your shoes, you can be damn sure this would be about money. It sounds like there is credit card debt, unpaid bills, and an extremely high mortgage to contend with. You need to be talking to that attorney asap and explaining the monetary issues. If everything has been documented correctly, you should be able to go after him for some of the money he would theoretically owe you for not paying his share of bills. I would go to your bank tomorrow and talk with a financial advisor about what your options are for removing you from ALL the shared cards and any shared accounts. Transfer half your savings into a personal account and close any accounts that are not his but which he could have access to.

I would also chat with your therapist about how to start to explain to your eldest children the situation sooner than later. Keeping secrets from them will do you no favours. Can your husband stay with his mother or another relative/friend until the house is sold? Living under the same roof is basically a disaster at this point.

Finally, I would really encourage you to stop thinking about all his flaws and the things he’s done wrong. It’s very tempting to rake him over the coals here, in your head, to anyone, but constantly focusing on all the problems someone else has is a really easy way for us to ignore our own issues or how we might have contributed to situations. Start to take care of yourself and put all your focus on your children and untangling yourself from this mess. When the divorce proceedings do finally start, you want to appear put together, mature, and family-oriented, not bitter, resentful, or holier than thou. The best way to do this is to sink your teeth into your work, take an increased interest in your children’s lives, and practicing self-care on yourself (meditating, running, yoga, meeting new people if possible). There is a lot of life out there to live; don’t let yourself get bogged down by this person any longer.

Post # 80
Member
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ShiningYou :  

I do feel for you OP, I think you sound like you have honestly always tried to do the right thing  thing ( as did  he back then )Yes, you were young and misguided.  God knows  we;ve all been that to some degree . You are really now  being  punished very severely   for your errors.

A couple of things stand out for me , the first being  the most important 

–  women living with men who feel (rightly or wrongly ) thwarted and cheated and about to be deserted by their wives are often in serious danger, as are their children. Some of his  behaviours you descibe sound very ominous  to me. 

– the kids do not need to be told in any way that not only their step father but also their bio father are dicks.  Its going to be bad enough when they learn the truth anyway,so I think it imperative   both of you need to not badmouth each other or  the bio dad to the kids.

– as has been said repeatedly , you must get a lawyer 

The very best of luck OP for all of you . 

Post # 81
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee

You are being way too nice. I understand wanting an amicable divorce, but this is ridiculous. You can’t afford a lawyer because you have to pay all of his bills?! No, no, no. I’m glad that you’re seeing someone next week. It needs to be sorted ASAP. Also, his treatment of you is appalling. He especially should not be groping you?! That’s way too far. I hope that you are documenting everything and that your lawyer can help sort out this mess!! 

Post # 82
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

ShiningYou :  I don’t want to sound harsh. You’re in such a difficult situation and you’re trying to do the right thing.

But.

He’s already sexually harrassing you in front of your children.

How long before he physically hurts you?

Get a lawyer and get OUT.

A friend of mine recently paid a visit to the ER because she wanted a divorce and her husband tried to stop her. By beating her into submission.

 

Post # 83
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Agree with PPs! Bee, I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. You clearly are showing strength in spite of the daily chaos thrown at you by this guy. 

You need to put that house up for sale, and get a SAFE place for your family. Look for a sublet for short-term, or even a vacation rental. Unfortunately, you don’t have to look hard or far for reports of men murdering their *entire* family when the wife leaves, and your present situation sounds scary, even for a separating couple. 

Your youngest can stay in school while you’re in the process of selling the home, and the school won’t ask questions if you change addresses to a PO Box dur to divorce in the middle of the school year. Even the “worst” case of switching schools would be SO WORTH your peace of mind! In time, you could trade your therapist for a tutor. It’s clear from your posts extricating from him from your children’s daily life will be a huge relief to them as well! 

Stay strong and lawyer up, bee! 

Post # 86
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee

ShiningYou :  

 

Bee, this is why this thread is so frustrating:

 

I know I need a lawyer. One I have to figure out the funds for it and 2 I guess I’m still surprised at the route this is going and that I need a lawyer to fight him. We agreed to no lawyers as it’s taking money from the kids and generally lawyers try to do whatever they can to screw the other person in a divorce. I’m not interested in screwing him, I just want us to split everything equally and fairly. I’m not looking to take him over the coals. 

 

This is just not true.

 

  • HE ALREADY HAS A LAYWER. Whatever arbitrary “agreement” you two came up with is not being withheld. He. Already. Has. A. Lawyer. Please do not continue to use poor judgment here and keep stalling. Talk about wasting money—trust me, as someone who has been writing check after check to a lawyer for custody issues over the past year—a lawyer is not only necessary, it is THE ONLY WAY you’ll be able to recoup from this mess. Right now, you’re not bringing a knife to a gun fight, you’re bringing absolutely nothing.

 

  • “We agreed to no lawyers as it’s taking money from the kids and generally lawyers try to do whatever they can to screw the other person in a divorce” –no, generally the people getting divorced try to screw each other in the divorce, WHICH IS WHY YOU NEED A LAWYER.
Post # 89
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

ShiningYou :  “He has never been physical with me or the kids and I really don’t think he would be.”

“He goes from screaming at me over nothing , to asking me to forgive him, to groping me whenever he feels like it, to making snide remarks to the kids about me. He literally doesn’t leave me alone 24 hours a day. He’ll try to “be nice” and hug and kiss me and tell me he loves me when the kids are standing there so I’m left with being the asshole rejecting their dad or accepting his unwanted advances. I feel completely trapped right now and I’m sure it’s very confusing to the kids. I try to avoid anything other than polite small talk about the kids when they are around but he often literally corners me.”

He IS being physical. He is already raising his hands at you.

This is sexual harrasment. In front of your children even. How long before it gets to something worse?

Post # 90
Member
2499 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

ShiningYou :  I’m so sorry you’re in such a tight place. Sometimes well-intentioned decisions don’t work out the way we think they will and it creates a sucky situation. I think there are a few important things here that need to be addressed:

1. Get a lawyer. Yes, the money is tough. Hopefully you’ll find something that can work for your financial situation. 

2. He needs to move out of the house. Like yesterday. You are living in a toxic relationship/house and you have no relief. Also, his comment that “I can touch you, you’re still my wife” is the biggest load of abusive BS. If you say NO, he needs to respect that or it’s harrassment/assult. Wife does not equal property. Tell him if he touches you again without permission, you’ll report him to the police. And then follow through if he does it. 

3. Tell your older kids about their paternity. Gently, lovingly, and preferably in a calm, quiet setting. I have a friend going through a similar paternity-related discussion with her kids and it’s not easy. I’m sorry. 

4. Finances: First, stop paying his bills! If you have any utility accounts under both names (yours/his) call and stop them and restart them under your name only. Credit cards where you are the “authorized user” are different than a joint credit card. Please call each financial insititution and ask if you can remove yourself. https://www.creditkarma.com/credit-cards/i/authorized-user-credit-card/  and https://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/how-to-remove-a-credit-card-authorized-user-1265.php Get him off your cell phone plan. There are often several ways you can reduce costs on non-essential spending (internet, phones, TV, etc.) but it does take time and a phone call or two. 

I sincerely hope you can get some peace and resolution. Take it one task at a time. All these things combined are definitely overwhelming. Stay strong and keep moving forward. Good luck bee. 

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