(Closed) Soon to Be step Daughter is making us all miserable. Long Rant

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

You mentioned she sees a therapist for her ADHD, correct? Perhaps you could speak with him/her, bring up your concerns, and see what professional advice could be given. Preface it as being concerned about how disruptive her behavior is to the family as a whole, and express how stressful it is that daddy is denial about it. I’m sure he/she could offer excellent insight and help. Good luck.  

ETA: To touch on the mother abandoning them, is she or her sibling receiving counseling or something for this? That sort of thing can be difficult for a child to process, and therapy can help them through it. If they’re not already, I’d strongly advise seeking help for them on that respect. It wouldn’t strike me a bit odd to find that her behavior is connected to it in some way.

Post # 5
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@TexasSpringBride:  So daddy is in deep denial, huh? Maybe you don’t want to step on toes, or feel it isn’t your place, but I’d get proactive if I were you. A simple phone call to the shrink, expressing your concern should suffice. Let them take it from there.

Post # 6
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

That’s really hard. I’d agree with PP about having the therapist touch on these issues. Since your going to co-parent you need to be able to talk to your Fiance about the problems that you see that he doesn’t. Hopefully he won’t take it the wrong way and you guys can be a team when it comes to tackling parenting issues. I think it’s good that you want to face these problems now before she hits her teens!

Post # 9
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh boy First of all (( hugs )) Blending a family is never easy and it sounds as if you are doing all the right things. I’ve been there ( not to this extend as none of the kids are as old as yours) and I know how tough it is when the step kid is disrupting things for all the other children. It IS so hard to point it out and not have it be brushed off or taken personally by your Fiance.

My suggestion would be to bring it up in counseling. Anytime one family member is acting out in a way were it hurts ( emotionally or otheriwse) the other members it has to be addressed. What she is doing IS pretty normal for her situation, but it is also normal to address and work out her obvious issues. Clearly she is hurting and needing something emotionally and is choosing to get it in the wrong way. Therapy, family and indidivual, should help teach all of you how to meet each other’s needs in a positive, loving way. I really hope Fiance will be on board with that because as she gets older it has the potential to be so much worse ( acting out sexuall comes to mind =/ ) Best of luck to you and hang in there Mama, being a step Mom ain’t for the weak of hear that’s for sure. 

Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think that maybe it’s good that she wants to go talk to the therapist alone… it means that she is opening up to him, and telling him/her things that will probably get her in trouble (admitting to lying, being a drama queen to get attention). I would tell her that maybe after each session, there will be a short “review” for about 10 minutes with the therapist so that you can get on the same page and have an action plan. Set out rewards for having a good day and consequences for having a bad day (much like we do for my Fiance’s 4 year old son), and eventually you can take away the rewards as the good behavior becomes an expectation. A small toy, 15 min extended bedtime, whatever. With the therapist in the room as you come up with the idea, she will see that you’re not being unfair- otherwise she might just go into her next session explaining how mean you both are and how all you do it punish her. She needs to learn that there is a difference between positive and negative attention. Maybe your fiance should make it a point to spend alone time with both of his children? Let one of them come to your house while he brings them to lunch and a movie or something. She’s probably feeling like she doesn’t get enough attention as it is, and that if you and your two children join the family then things will get even worse for her- and right now it sounds like she’s sucessfully driving you two apart.

Post # 11
Member
4144 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

First and foremost you and Fiance need to be on the same page. There is no use him being in denial about it or you both having different ideas of appropriate discipline. This is not fair on your children or his youngest, and pandering to her wont benefit her in the long run either. I know this doesn’t help much but I do hope that you and Fiance can become a team regarding this, when you get married the children stop being “mine” and “his” and become “ours”

Post # 12
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

Why are you not meeting with the psych. after she does? My daughter was in counceling for an entire summer when she was 12, and the psych. met with me after each session to update me and to offer some suggestions on what they’d talked about. Can’t you request some updating? She’s a minor and the parent (s) should be involved.

Post # 16
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

How is she in school and how are her grades? Other than the one incident, is she respectful to her teachers? Has she ever had a child study done for any learning issues, or is this strictly a power/control/behavioral issue?

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