Post # 1
My soon to be step son who by the way dislikes me even though I have not seen him in eight years, he is 21 and in college and his father and I are getting married in Ireland where my fiance is from and where his family still lives. My fiance has three children, 21, 19 and 15. I have a 12 year old daugther and we have an 8 year old daughter.
We are all traveling in July to Ireland. My soon to be step son said he was bringing his friend since they were boys and they hang out when they are home from college and his father said okay. I was okay with it too. Apparently, this evening the step son informed his father he is also bringing 7 or 8 fraternity brothers to the wedding. They are going to be touring Europe and thought they would all come to the wedding. My fiance and I do not know them. Actually, I will only know my parents and my sister and niece at the wedding. All of the other 80 people I don’t know. My fiance said called and told me he invited his frat brothers and he was okay with that.
I am not okay with that. This is not a frat party and we don’t know them. I am upset over this. That is an extra $300 to $350.00 in food and we are already over our budget especially with the cost of the flights. We are paying for all five of the kids airfare.
What should I do? Let it go and let him invite whom he wants to his dad’s wedding.
Ladies, what do you think. Thanks.
Post # 3
I just love it when kids thinks that its ok to just take over adults’ lives. NO, its not ok in my opinion, I would not be happy that Fiance made this decision without consulting you. So you should talk to him and ask him to call his son up and limit the amt of “friends” that he can bring. I would suggest 2 of his “closest friends” or one female friend, just my opinion. The reason I said do not let this go is because this will set the tone of how your marriage will be like, if your stepson can do this now, he will most definitely think its ok to continue this pattern and behavior and it WILL get worse. It is really up to your Fiance to put his foot down, but if he has a hard time doing so, since this affects you also, please do so in the most firm, loving and respectful way.
Post # 4
not cool, stepson, not cool.
but i can totally see him using this as another reason to hate you more if you put your foot down.
Post # 5
@Aug8, I do completely agree. However, stepchildren don’t need any reason to “strongly dislike” stepparent. So I would still go with putting your foot down.
Post # 6
You are correct- this is your wedding, not a fraternity party! I would talk to Fiance and have him be the bearer of bad news to stepson. Fiance also needs to make it clear to stepson that he was the one who made an erroneous judgement call; otherwise, stepson will just blame it on you. (He might anyway, but Fiance needs to lay down the law). Maybe Fiance can suggest to his son that his friends join up after the wedding festivities are over, or at least once dinner is done as a compromise.
Post # 7
I agree with the girls – time to put your foot down. He doesn’t have to like you, but he does have to respect you.
Post # 8
I agree also. Put that foot on the ground, lady. Like Adeline said, he doesn’t have to like you but he DOES have to respect you.
Post # 9
I’ll add my two cents here. Imagine you’re 21 and going to Europe, and a group of your buddies are there at the same time – awesome. Of course you want to see them, and what better excuse than a big party aka wedding.
To me, if its only $300 extra dollars, and you don’t know anyone there anyways, I’d just let him invite his friends. I’m sure it will go a long way in goodwill toward your stepson, and your Fiance is fine with it too.
Post # 10
I think the advice so far as been a little harsh. You say that he strongly dislikes you, but you don’t seem to be interested in building up that relationship either. I mean, you haven’t seen him since he was 13. A 13 year old is bound to have a lot of conflicting emotions about their parent’s new partner- that’s only natural! But now that he’s older, maybe his thinking has changed but he doesn’t know how to say that. It’s really hard to go to someone and say “I know we have not gotten along for 8 years, but I’m ready to try from this point on”
So what does that mean in terms of the wedding? Well you certainly don’t have to invite all these extra people. However I would NOT go about it with the attitude of “I’m going to put my foot down! He’s not bringing all those frat boys to our wedding!” Instead, why not say something like “I know you want to spend time with your friends, but we just don’t think the wedding is the appropriate time for that. Plus, I’m sure you and your friends will all find another time in Ireland to go out and have a little fun without all the adults hanging around anyway.” Let him bring one friend, which was the original deal, but try to be kind about telling him it just isn’t appropriate for him to bring 8 other guests. Keep in mind, he’s a college guy. He’s probably totally clueless about weddings and doesn’t realize how rude it is to invite these extra people or what kind of expense it would be.
Make sure your Fiance and you are on the same page about this, and don’t disparage his friends by assuming they will act like the typical stereotype of a “frat boy”. All that will do is make this situation worse. And if your Fiance is really ok with it, then I suggest letting it go and allowing the boys to come. The absolute last thing you want is to give the impression that his father was ok and wanted him to bring his friends and have a good time, but you came in and put an end to that.
Post # 11
I hope your Fiance consulted with you before saying it’s ok to your futire stepson. With that said, I think it’s ok if it might help out the strained relationship between you 2. If your worried about the guys acting like party animals at the wedding have your Fiance talk to him before the wedding.
Post # 12
Its interesting to see all the different comments and different takes on this situation. I do understand the ones who advocate for just allowing future stepson to bring the extra people to the wedding. However, I still advocate for restricting the amount of people that he can bring. I am all for building relationships, but in this circumstance, I would say that it is NOT reasonable to bring 7-8 extra people, nor is it appropriate for it to occur at a wedding. But that is just my two cents.