- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
I have been overweight my whole life – my highest I was at 284 lbs. I had gastric bypass surgery in March 2010, and it was like I had seen the light. I not only ate better afterwards, but I exercised and (biggest point) I was happy. I had energy to do things, I loved biking and camping and going out with my kids. It took me about a year to lose 130 lbs.
That was probably late 2011. Fast forward two years to now – I’ve gained back 50 lbs. I weighed myself this morning and I weighed 200 lbs. I’m soooo disappointed in myself. I worked so hard to lose the weight and then with stress and …. whatever …. I have gained back this much weight.
Every day I tell myself I won’t drink cherry coke (my obsession) and every day I drink it – ALLLL day. I can’t remember the last time I had water and I don’t like diet soda. I will eat good then at the end of the day have junk-y foods, pop tarts, sugary cereal etc. My clothes don’t fit and I had to buy bigger clothes. Now it’s chilly and my winter coat doesn’t fit.
I tell myself *it’s just food* over and over. I don’t ascribe to be SKINNY (I was probably too thin at 154 – I’m about 5’10” – I was very bony), I just want to be healthy – I want to fit into my size 12s again, maybe around 170. I know that losing 30 lbs will take a good 6 months or more – and that seems like SUCH a long time.
I am a full time studdent and have three kids. Money is always tight and I am always busy with homework. I don’t think I’m making excuses – I know people do what is important to them and maybe this just isn’t important “enough” – its easy to set a deadline and do a paper, but losing weight is such a fluid concept. It’s not a one time decision you make, it’s something you decide (to eat healthy, exercise) over and over, all the time throughout the day. You have to eat. when I get a paper finished or do a chore – it’s done, I move on.
It’s my own fault but I am constantly distressed and upset by it. I’m sure I’m no fun to be around – the constant beating myself up – I honestly feel like a failure and I’m so disappointed in my the fact I’ve gained the weight back.
I know that no one can give me words of advice – I have to do it on my own. Sometimes I think I should just “give up” and allow myself to be fat again.
There was a discussion on here again about the mantra “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels” but being *healthy* and having energy and enjoying life feels really really great. I miss it.