(Closed) Soooo upset with FI, what should I do?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

you can’t promote your blog in a post

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mwitter80: where was there blog promotion??

 

OP, I can see where you are coming from. He broke your trust and went behind your back.  If its a deal breaker for you, then you need to tell him that, and stand firm.  I started smoking young, and quit when I started dating my ex on his request. As soon as we broke up 4 years later, I started again. About 6  months later, I quite for hubs. The difference this time, I wanted to quit.  If he’s not ready, unfortunately you making him will make him do it behind your back again. He has to want to quit for it to happen and stick

Post # 5
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Fiance said that he was going to quit smoking by the new year… not this past one, the one before it.. then he said he would quit before I move from MI to LA to be with him.. and here we are a year and a half later… he’s still smoking.  I understand your frustration. He shouldn’t have lied to you, just should have just been honest that its harder than he thought.  Sounds like you are already helping him get on track again though so thats good, just keep at it!  I wish my Fiance would actually TRY to quit.

Post # 6
Member
14656 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you truely cant be with a smoker… I think you answered your own question.  You cant make him quit for you, he can only quit when he truely wants to… which it doesnt sound like he wants to.  I have friends who have quit cold turkey.. jsut stopped one day and didnt give into the urges… if the will power and desire is there, it can be done. Just how bad does he want to stop?

Post # 7
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

That is a hard one- My fI used to chew and quit recently too, so I know that he has had one a few times. He never lies to me about it, but I make sure to let him know he is in trouble and i am dissapointed.

I think that if you love him, and really want to be with him you need to express your concerns to him FOR REAL (sure youve already done this). Guys will be guys, unfortunately and they sometimes do not react the way we wish they would. I think he is trying- and remember that since you are not a smoker, you dont fully understand how hard it is. Keep on supporting him & try to relax. The more stressed out he gets, the more he will go back to it. UGH Men.. Im totally not making excuses for him- but just try to understand. I hope he was apologetic about the way that you found out though. no fun!

Post # 10
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I know it is hard, bu that fact is that smoking is an addiction and has to be treated as such. Not a nasty habit that might someday kill you, but an addiction that needs to be addressed. Lots of people fail to stop smoking on their first try, that doesn’t mean he will never succeed. If you are willing and he is willing, then try again. I had great success with reading Allan Carr’s book ‘The Easy Way to Stop Smoking’. It really helped.

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@tanalea123: Oh gotcha. Well, play a little hardball, and tell him he needs to stop making excuses for smoking. I quit cold turkey, but I know a lot of people can’t do that. Every time I resisted an urge to smoke, it made it that much easier to not do it anymore. Its been 5 years this past january since I quit, and I’ll never smoke again

Post # 12
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

He does have to want to quit.  I did so much research to prepare myself for quitting and really invested myself in learning to be a non-smoker.  There is so much psychological stuff involved in smoking.  It’s something you do 20 times or so a day, and smokers associate cigs with so many different things.  I had to reformulate the way I thought about smoking.  I quit using the book “An Easy Way to Stop Smoking,” Chantix, counseling, and quitnet.  I quit Jan. 26, 2008 and haven’t had a puff since.

I think I read somewhere that it takes most smokers 7-8 attempts before they actually quit for good.  I understand that you are upset.  The best thing you can do is address the lying issue but continue to be supportive.

Also, I know you said he didn’t take it, but someone taking Chantix should not take the patch or gum, etc.

 

Post # 14
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My Fiance used to chew tobacco and it was really gross. We were together three years before he quit. While he was quitting, he started to do it again behind my back. He was so ashamed of himself when I found out. I didn’t get really angry. I was just shocked that he would lie to me about that. I have always given him support on his road to quitting.. and he finally did.. this will not work for everyone but it did for him. He had always wanted an Ipad. So he bought himself an Ipad and if he ever chews or smokes again, I am allowed to take the Ipad and give it to anyone I want to. He has kept up with that Ipad!!

Post # 15
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@tanalea123:Well I certainly would never hang out with those friends again from the Chilifest.  Would they have the same behavior if we was an alcoholic and quit?  I think you should make your stance on it known.  If you are drawing the line in the sand that if he smokes he will also be single then you’ll have to be willing to follow through with it.  I would actually ask him to pay me back for the original Chantix to stop smoking.

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