(Closed) Soooo, we've agreed on a wedding date but I'm still waiting. LOL

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 19
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174 posts
Blushing bee

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MsLovelyTae :  About your daughter, couldn’t she stay with a friend for a week? I did this when I was seven (once when my parents were in Paris and once when dad got surgery after a soccer accident) and I really loved it.

Post # 20
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334 posts
Helper bee

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fredthebasil :  second! 

I agree, he kinda missed the big engagement boat, but if yall are setting a date you are engaged.

 I am all for talking about getting married and what venue and date you like, but it does kinda seem off that you don’t want to “officially announce” your engagement If yall are already planning on venue shopping and agreed on a date. 

If you are gonna go ahead and start planning, people will find out and will ask you about his proposal and want to see the ring… it is not like you can keep your ringless engagement a secret until he actually proposes, so if you are not wanting to announce the ringless proposal then you might wanna rethink starting to plan. 

I just don’t quite get why if having an official proposal is important to you, why he is waiting another year. Is he not 100% ready to commit and just wants to talk about it to make you happy or something? 

I feel like im missing something! 

Post # 21
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405 posts
Helper bee

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MsLovelyTae :  The engagement ship has sailed. I agree with 
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fredthebasil  and others–you’re definitely engaged if you’ve agreed to marry, have set a date, and are talking in concrete terms about planning the wedding.

A ring is an unnecessary luxury in terms of getting engaged. Plenty of people in the world get engaged without an engagement ring, and the idea that a ring somehow makes two people more “officially” engaged is derived from classist marketing.

Post # 22
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832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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duchessgummybunns :  Talking in vague terms about “someday when we get married” is one thing, but OP has actually set a date!  If you have a wedding date, you’re engaged.  I don’t know how you could think otherwise.

Post # 24
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4964 posts
Honey bee

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MsLovelyTae :  First of all, take a deep breath and calm down OP. The others are merely giving input that in most situations, wedding dates are set after an engagement occurs. The fact that you and your SO already set a date, both of  you have agreed to be married already but without a ring proposal yet. If you and SO see it differently that setting a date first then a formal proposal follows, then let it be. I think what happened was you meant to share you had a talk with SO and was quite surprised and didn’t expect some of the responses here. It might not be the typical way of doing things. However, at the end of the day, as long as you and SO are on the same page about your timelines, then that’s what counts.

Post # 26
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122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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MsLovelyTae :  First of all, congratulations! I just wanted to chime in as another Bee who is currently trying to book a date for Summer 2018. I can’t stress enough that if you have a specific date in mind and are particular about venues, it can’t hurt to start asking about availability now!

I thought for sure that if we decided on a 2 year engagement that we could have our pick of venues. I live in Toronto and there were 3 venues that we looked into booking which are already not available for the date we wanted in July! 

If you’re flexible, then you’re probably safe to wait a little but I’m like you – I hate feeling rushed!

Post # 27
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4 posts
Wannabee

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MsLovelyTae :  Congratulations on choosing the date with your SO!! My situation is somewhat similar to yours as well. We have the date set, he’s asked permission from my parents as per our culture, venues picked out and important vendors contracted to avoid missing out on them but there hasn’t been a formal proposal yet. Even though we’ve done all these things, I do not consider myself enaged until he has formally proposed and asked me to be his wife (which will be happening very soon). We’re just planning ahead for our wedding. Many people might not understand why I don’t consider myself engaged even though we’re planning the wedding but this is how we choose to define our relationship at this time.

Post # 28
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4964 posts
Honey bee

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MsLovelyTae :  I mentioned calm down and take deep breaths because you sounded really upset from your last post prior to my reply. I was just trying to help & make you realize you do not need to sweat out input here that is not true in your relationship according to you (ex. “he’s giving you the run around” etc.) If you felt that it is something to get worked up about, then that’s on you blood pressure.

I, myself, have received replies here as well that went beyond from what I was expecting and quite rude & judgy once in awhile. You’re not the only one. Although most of the bees have been helpful and positive, we don’t always get 100% of the answers we are hoping for. That’s just part of the territory when you put a post out there. 

Post # 30
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2236 posts
Buzzing bee

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MsLovelyTae :  I agree with socialgirl – I see this happening ALL the time. Who would think a board full of women would become snarky and judgmental, eh? lol It happens, a LOT. When it happens to me, I just ignore it.

If I said for instance “My S.O. admitted to me he is scared at the thought of marriage, but reassured me that he’s also incredibly excited,” probably about half of the commenters would be advising me that he secretly plans to string me along, has no intentions of actually marrying me, am I SURE this is the man for me? etc.

And I would ignore all of those comments because they would be irrelevant.

Like all the people here, thinking THEIR opinion on whether or not you two are actually engaged or not is valid. Like… huh? Who ever told you that you get to define MY relationship?? lol It’s crazy the brashness and rudeness you can run into on these boards. Again, I just ignore it.

Like, picking an exact date is only one small step past talking about the season and possible venue you’d like, all things you can and probably SHOULD discuss before any actual proposal. SO and I have decided Fall 2018 and he’s mentioned either the church he was christianed in or his yacht club as venues. We aren’t going to get engaged for another 8 months, but I can totally see myself narrowing down to a few preferred dates and then calling those places to see what their calendars look like before then.

We could decide on Labor day weekend 2018 and then it not be available at any of the venues we like. These days, for all the reasons stated in this thread and in others, couples are planning their engagements ahead of time and getting a head start on dates/venues before things are official because you almost HAVE to. If I want a 1-year engagement, but my venues fill up 1.5-2 years in advance, then yeah, it makes sense to try to pick a date and book before the actual proposal.

Agreeing on a date/venue and booking it doesn’t make me engaged. That’s a practical step I’ve taken due to real-world restrictions, not the emotional milestone that I need to feel properly engaged.

In my mind, it’s like this… S.O. has shared that he thinks he’ll feel ready next Spring, I want to honor that, and honor that he felt safe sharing his timeline with me. Therefore, I consider him completely and entirely not bound by that until he actually proposes.

The proposal itself is the promise to marry me – it’s a show of him deciding he’s ready to make that promise. A talk about the fact that he thinks he’ll feel ready in the Spring is NOT the promise to marry me.

If, god forbid, our relationship started unraveling or experiencing hiccups next February, we’d re-evaluate at that point, and may decide to not get engaged or to delay it. The decision to get engaged next Spring comes with an understood “if the time between now and then shows us that this thing really is as real as we feel it is” clause. 

We both want to make well and sure we are out of the honeymoon phase and seeing each other clearly before making that promise – and we can damn well make hopeful plans in the meantime without actually being engaged.

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