I agree with socialgirl – I see this happening ALL the time. Who would think a board full of women would become snarky and judgmental, eh? lol It happens, a LOT. When it happens to me, I just ignore it.
If I said for instance “My S.O. admitted to me he is scared at the thought of marriage, but reassured me that he’s also incredibly excited,” probably about half of the commenters would be advising me that he secretly plans to string me along, has no intentions of actually marrying me, am I SURE this is the man for me? etc.
And I would ignore all of those comments because they would be irrelevant.
Like all the people here, thinking THEIR opinion on whether or not you two are actually engaged or not is valid. Like… huh? Who ever told you that you get to define MY relationship?? lol It’s crazy the brashness and rudeness you can run into on these boards. Again, I just ignore it.
Like, picking an exact date is only one small step past talking about the season and possible venue you’d like, all things you can and probably SHOULD discuss before any actual proposal. SO and I have decided Fall 2018 and he’s mentioned either the church he was christianed in or his yacht club as venues. We aren’t going to get engaged for another 8 months, but I can totally see myself narrowing down to a few preferred dates and then calling those places to see what their calendars look like before then.
We could decide on Labor day weekend 2018 and then it not be available at any of the venues we like. These days, for all the reasons stated in this thread and in others, couples are planning their engagements ahead of time and getting a head start on dates/venues before things are official because you almost HAVE to. If I want a 1-year engagement, but my venues fill up 1.5-2 years in advance, then yeah, it makes sense to try to pick a date and book before the actual proposal.
Agreeing on a date/venue and booking it doesn’t make me engaged. That’s a practical step I’ve taken due to real-world restrictions, not the emotional milestone that I need to feel properly engaged.
In my mind, it’s like this… S.O. has shared that he thinks he’ll feel ready next Spring, I want to honor that, and honor that he felt safe sharing his timeline with me. Therefore, I consider him completely and entirely not bound by that until he actually proposes.
The proposal itself is the promise to marry me – it’s a show of him deciding he’s ready to make that promise. A talk about the fact that he thinks he’ll feel ready in the Spring is NOT the promise to marry me.
If, god forbid, our relationship started unraveling or experiencing hiccups next February, we’d re-evaluate at that point, and may decide to not get engaged or to delay it. The decision to get engaged next Spring comes with an understood “if the time between now and then shows us that this thing really is as real as we feel it is” clause.
We both want to make well and sure we are out of the honeymoon phase and seeing each other clearly before making that promise – and we can damn well make hopeful plans in the meantime without actually being engaged.