(Closed) Sorry it's long but any feedback would be appreciated

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So he did all this before he married you and not during your married life or pregnancy?

If this all happened prior to marrying you and getting pregnant, let it go.  If he hasn’t been in contact with her since your wedding and getting pregnant, then it’s in the past. 

I would be more concerned whether he is in contact with her now than what he did before you were married. 


Post # 5
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Well, the most disturbing part of this whole story is his alleged “motivation” to get revenge on someone in this way.

But leaving that aside for now, I agree with the PP. If you trust what he’s telling you, I’d try to leave this in the past. But I’d have my eyes WIDE open from now on. 🙁

Post # 6
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Hmm. It seems a little off but at the same time it was a while ago so I would want to make sure that he isn’t in contact with her and maybe see if his story checks out. Can you be in contact with her if you need to? The whole thing would make me uneasy but if you think it’s true then maybe it would be easier to let it go. I wouldn’t be able to but I have pretty bad relationship issues when it comes to cheating/trust/lies. A lot of men have messed with my head 🙁

Post # 8
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sorry, I disagree with Ellicott and think it matters a whole hell of a lot that this happened 3 months before your wedding (which was less than a year ago if your date is accurate).

OP, you confronted him? And he gave you this “revenge” story? If you genuinely believe him, that he was “leading her on” so he could hurt her: 1) you should be worried about what kind of person he is and what kind of mind games he’s able to play; and 2) that’s supposed to totally negate the hurtful stuff he said about being in love with her and wishing she would break up his wedding? I don’t care if it was all a mind game, it was completely disrespectful to say those things about you and your relationship.

I think his explanation is total BS- your past in never an excuse to be an asshole in the present. It sounds to me like he had a pretty big lapse in judgement and maybe had cold feet before the wedding. I’m not one to say you should leave him for this, but it’s definitely not something I would be able to sweep under the rug. There definitely needs to be a conversation about what truthfully went on here, and whether there are any lingering feelings that need to be worked through. Sorry, OP, this is really shitty :/

Post # 9
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@heartbrokenbee1: Ugh..What a shitty thing for him to do!  Your husband is a liar. do you really think his communication/flirting was an elaborate hoax to get revenge On this chick? 

I feel bad saying this but I think he had some feelings for her otherwise why would he care To seek revenge? He was about to marry you Right?  I don’t know if I have advice to give you but if it were me there would be some serious conversations going on with a therapist. I hold grudges and it would take counseling to work through this. I wish you the best!

Post # 11
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@heartbrokenbee1:  I find his excuses for why this encounter occurred to be convenient and quite honestly unbelievable. He was trying to get back at her? He said all of these things about loving you, but that just happens to be off the record? I don’t care how much of a horrible past someone has, to say these things to someone while I’m asleep next to him is very hurtful. It would be easier to try and work things out with him if I felt he was being honest, but these excuses seem completely dishonest to me.

Post # 13
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@heartbrokenbee1:  You mention that his motivation was “revenge”, but you don’t specifically say how you found out? Did he come clean and admit it freely to you, or was he discovered in his lie some other way? That would make a difference to me.

Also, his reasoning just doesn’t ring true to me, but then again I don’t know him the way you do.  The most likely reason is that he was nervous about marrying, committing for life and had an urge to “test the waters”….and once he knew he could cheat if he wanted to, he came back to reality and pulled back before it was too late.

Since he has no proof of what his story is, I would ask if he’s willing to let you discuss it with her and see what he says….his reaction will likely be telling. (not that he couldn’t forewarn her to get their stories straight)

At the end of the day, you are married and carrying your child.  Trust your gut….I would think it’s worth trying to move past since it was a “close call” but this is his one mess up and if it happens again that would be a deal breaker for me.  As a PP said, keep your eyes wide open, and I mean o-p-e-n moving forward.

Post # 14
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@heartbrokenbee1:  oh sweetie..I wish I could hug you!  I think that if you both make a commitment to rebuilding trust it will be possible to move forward. You may never forget about this but if you both agree to move forward, new memories will start fading the old ones.  It sounds like you love your husband..just lay all your feelings out, don’t hold back and together discuss ways to rebuild and repair. 

Post # 15
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@heartbrokenbee1:  I’m sorry. This situation really sucks.

I agree that the manner you found out could be important – did he come clean to you or did you find out on your own somehow? No matter how you found out though, it’s a sucky situation and the blame for it falls squarely on his shoulders. And his reasoning for why he did what he did is disturbing to say the least. He is really going to have to work hard to earn back your trust and repair the damage he has done to your relationship.

As for what you do about it, only you can decide that. I would recommend speaking to a Counselor if you feel like trying to discuss it on your own isn’t resolving the issues and pain – it’s a safe environment where you can talk openly about things with someone trained to help.

Most important thing right now is that you take care of yourself and your baby. Stay rested, make sure you’re eating healthy, and try not to work yourself up emotionally about all this (I know, way easier said than done).

Post # 16
119 posts
Blushing bee

If I found this out — I’m sorry I woud be GONE.  What a breech of trust.  No, I don’t think I could or should get over it.

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