(Closed) Sorry it's long but any feedback would be appreciated

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

he told an ex he was in love with her and that it would be funny if she showed up to his WEDDING and stopped it. 

um, there is no joke, elaborate hoax or revenge fantasty in the WORLD that would make a man say those things. 

he even talked about how he knew you’d be hurt to find this but didn’t care?

your husband is lying to you. what happily in love about to be married man has the time, energy or desire to exact a months long revenge fantasy on an ex? that is ludicrous – and convenient that the part where he professes his love for you and calls off the month long charade wasn’t captured…

 

Post # 18
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Being married & pregnant I’d try to work through it, but his privacy would be G.O.N.E. He wouldn’t be able to take a dump without scrutiny. He’d have to earn back my trust over years. 

Post # 19
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

honestly, his excuse sounds odd. Is he a normally ” go out of my way” to get revenge kinda guy. I personally, wouldn’t believe that revenge story which even if true then he should still of been honest. It’s shady and he lied before about the nature of their relationship. If it were me, I could not look past it. I have a zero tolerance for that. But I am also not married yet and have a child and only you can know if you believe it’s over or if you can forgive and move on. I wish you the best and can’t imagine finding such hurtful things. 

 

Post # 20
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

Okay, let’s say it was a revenge thing. So he said all of these things as a revenge plan, yet when he ended it with her he said things like “this is wrong, I’m getting married” etc? That doesn’t sound like letting someone have it and getting revenge. He spent a month talking to her for “revenge” purposes, in secret, putting you and your relationship down in the process, putting energy and time and thought into saying these things to her, and then didn’t even get the revenge? Just kind of bailed on it? That’s a little weird to me, if he’s someone who believes in seeking revenge because of what ever issues.

Post # 21
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@heartbrokenbee1:  honestly, the most concerning thing when reading your story is your husband’s excuse, ie his “revenge” story. If its true or not, nothing good is in that situation.

If his revenge story is true (ie he did in fact talk with this woman in order to get revenge on her for things that happened in the past),

1) he is seriously messed up if he thinks that is ok to do to this other woman. Yes, even though she “wronged” him and now shes reaching out to your man, no one deserves to be treated in that way. Even if he was hurt, your husband should have been the adult and maturely (and respectfully) talked to this woman and completely ended things. If he honestly feels that “taking revenge” on other people is an ok way of dealing with issues, he needs to see a counselor, because WTF? I understand wanting to take revenge, but actually acting on it? And I’d also like to add that normal people move on after a relationship (or sort-of relationships) don’t work out. This happened YEARS ago, and the fact that its still such a sticking point for your husband to somehow convince himself that it would be a good idea to do this is really weird.

2), I echo PPs and say that even if he had an awful childhood, that doesn’t give him leave to behave like an asshat. He’s doing this because he is perceiving that others are disrespecting and hurting him, well what would he do if he though YOU were doing something to him? Would he play this sick mind game with you? Ick.

and 3) he was so caught up in enacting this revenge fantasy that it took up his time and effort that he should have been spending towards you, HIS WIFE.

and if its NOT true, 

1) why did he make up this elaborate, bizarre story in the first place, if not to cover something up? Plus, as PPs pointed out, he never followed through after putting forth months of effort into this “revenge”, so something tells me that wasn’t his prime motivation, otherwise he would have worked harder to finish what he started. 

2) he’s making excuses for his behavior instead of coming clean and allowing you and your relationship to heal. If you think about it, if he hadn’t given you this “background story”, this behavior would be unacceptable. If you judge based on behavior alone, his actions are appalling by themselves, and he’s trying to make you feel sorry for him by telling you his “reasons”. He knew that talking with this woman was wrong, but he did it anyway.

3) him lying to you is disrespectful. end of story.

4) him talking to this woman about your relationship, and some of the things he said, are completely out of line and disrespectful. 

and 5) now not only did he talk to another woman about sex, about your relationship, “JOKED” THAT SHE SHOULD COME INTERRUPT YOUR WEDDING(!!!), which all is completely inappropriate, but now he’s lied about this TO YOU to cover his tracks and minimize his behavior, and the only reason I can think of that explains that is that he’s cheating.

 

If I were you, OP, I would be taking a closer look at his motivations here. From what you’ve written, your husband sounds either like a very vengeful person (if its true) or a terrible liar and a cheater (if its not true), and disrespectful to both you and your relationship either way. In your situation, I would be more concerned with his character right now.

Post # 22
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I feel for you girl. I have had this type of thing happen between me and my Fiance about 4 years ago, granted it was much more of a flirtation rather than talking about “making love” and ruining my life to get back at her. It was painful and sickening though. I felt like I was going to puke all the time for about 6 months. Now 4 years later I know he would never make that mistake again or I would be OUT and we are in a much better place now. 

We were in a horrible place when he did this to us, so what concerns me is that you guys were in a great place. The blissful engagement period right before the wedding is much different than if he had done this when you two were doubting your relationship. There is NEVER an excuse but I am truly unsure of whether I could forgive if it was right before our wedding. 

It sound like he made fun of you, your relationship and most likely a lot of other things that you don’t know about. His whole story sounds really strange and his reasoning is almost creepy. I actually worry for this girl and for you if you ever mess up.

I am so sorry this happened but your husband needs to really make it up to you and go to therapy or you will feel like your marriage was based on lies. 

Post # 24
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

heartbrokenbee1Ugh, I know how hard this is for you :/ All I can say is that, if you feel a level of comfort with privacy/checking his email, etc., and that HE is truly committed to you and your marriage, then only time will help. And it will get better, but only if you really do trust that he’s on board. I’m really sorry, my heart goes out to you :/

Post # 25
Member
966 posts
Busy bee

Ok let me say that if I was dating somebody and that special person was talking to his ex girlfriend who he dated for 6 months or more regardless if she interfered or wouldn’t be a threat in the relationship I would find it to be disrespectful to keep in contact with a ex. They are a ex for a reason. My rule of thumb for boundaries is no talking to exes while in a serious relationship unless their are children involved or if I happen to be friends with the ex. 

Post # 26
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee

@heartbrokenbee1:  I call bullshit on his “revenge” excuse. It’s a great excuse but if he is truly happy with you, why the need to even take revenge? Why is he still hung up on that?

I say he’s sneaky and i’d be pissed off if i were you.

I wouldn’t say it’s something to break a marriage up over but you need to be on the ball with him. And don’t let him think he can feed you some cock and bull story.

One of my favourite sayings is if it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true.

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