@heartbrokenbee1: honestly, the most concerning thing when reading your story is your husband’s excuse, ie his “revenge” story. If its true or not, nothing good is in that situation.
If his revenge story is true (ie he did in fact talk with this woman in order to get revenge on her for things that happened in the past),
1) he is seriously messed up if he thinks that is ok to do to this other woman. Yes, even though she “wronged” him and now shes reaching out to your man, no one deserves to be treated in that way. Even if he was hurt, your husband should have been the adult and maturely (and respectfully) talked to this woman and completely ended things. If he honestly feels that “taking revenge” on other people is an ok way of dealing with issues, he needs to see a counselor, because WTF? I understand wanting to take revenge, but actually acting on it? And I’d also like to add that normal people move on after a relationship (or sort-of relationships) don’t work out. This happened YEARS ago, and the fact that its still such a sticking point for your husband to somehow convince himself that it would be a good idea to do this is really weird.
2), I echo PPs and say that even if he had an awful childhood, that doesn’t give him leave to behave like an asshat. He’s doing this because he is perceiving that others are disrespecting and hurting him, well what would he do if he though YOU were doing something to him? Would he play this sick mind game with you? Ick.
and 3) he was so caught up in enacting this revenge fantasy that it took up his time and effort that he should have been spending towards you, HIS WIFE.
and if its NOT true,
1) why did he make up this elaborate, bizarre story in the first place, if not to cover something up? Plus, as PPs pointed out, he never followed through after putting forth months of effort into this “revenge”, so something tells me that wasn’t his prime motivation, otherwise he would have worked harder to finish what he started.
2) he’s making excuses for his behavior instead of coming clean and allowing you and your relationship to heal. If you think about it, if he hadn’t given you this “background story”, this behavior would be unacceptable. If you judge based on behavior alone, his actions are appalling by themselves, and he’s trying to make you feel sorry for him by telling you his “reasons”. He knew that talking with this woman was wrong, but he did it anyway.
3) him lying to you is disrespectful. end of story.
4) him talking to this woman about your relationship, and some of the things he said, are completely out of line and disrespectful.
and 5) now not only did he talk to another woman about sex, about your relationship, “JOKED” THAT SHE SHOULD COME INTERRUPT YOUR WEDDING(!!!), which all is completely inappropriate, but now he’s lied about this TO YOU to cover his tracks and minimize his behavior, and the only reason I can think of that explains that is that he’s cheating.
If I were you, OP, I would be taking a closer look at his motivations here. From what you’ve written, your husband sounds either like a very vengeful person (if its true) or a terrible liar and a cheater (if its not true), and disrespectful to both you and your relationship either way. In your situation, I would be more concerned with his character right now.