- Mrs. Harmony
- 9 years ago
I am totally 100% in a different type of “waiting” situation as I’ve only been with my SO for 4 months. He hasn’t even said “I love you” yet. He only loved one girl in his whole life and it took him a YEAR to fall in love with her, so engagement for us, if at all, is a loooooong way away.
My boyfriend is absolutely brilliant. He is nurturing, caring, communicative, respectful, and EVERYTHING I need in a man. I had a powerful dream about my SO 11 days before even meeting him. He is my soul mate. We fight fair and make up within the hour. We learn about each other every day.
But this weekend we were cooking dinner together and we were side by side cutting up veggies. We were on the topic of marriage and I asked him when he would like to get married (whether it’s to me or someone else… just marriage in general) and he said when he’s out of school. He’s starting his Master’s in January and will be going part time. It will be about 3-4 years before he finishes. That logically sounds like a good idea. I understand waiting until you are established in life before tying the knot with someone.
Except that I am 32! By the time he is done with school, assuming we stay together and he decides I am the One, I will be pushing 37. I have never been married, and I feel strange being a first time bride at that age (no offense to older brides!) I want another child (I have a 5 year old) and I know he wants 2 kids. I feel that 2 kids for us would be out of the question if we start TTC at that time. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be trying for a second child past 37 or so. 35 was my cutoff for the longest time but seeing that I still haven’t found the right guy yet, I have to push that up a little. Even though I eat a strict raw-food vegan diet and do yoga and meditation and healthy stuff all the time, infertility can affect anyone.
I know I am thinking WAY into the future and you may say “don’t think about that right now, enjoy your relationship, don’t pressure him, etc.”, but I’m sure if anyone is hearing their biological clock ticking loudly, they may undertstand where I am coming from… especially seeing my boyfriend’s timeline is sloooow. It doesn’t help that he is 28. After our first date, that was the one thing that made me pause was our age difference.
I did not respond to what he said. I moved on to something else. The last thing I want to do is argue with him about how waiting 4 years will mess up my chances of having his children, LOL. I can only imagine how nutty that would sound! He is entitled to wanting his life to play out the way he is comfortable. I love and respect him. But I am worried that I will be waiting around for a long time for things to happen and to be frank, I really don’t have that kind of time! If fertility were no issue, I would wait 10 years for him. But I can’t deny that I am concerned.
Which leads me to just general frustration about how men have to do everything in a linear pattern and can’t do 2 major things in life at once! My son’s dad gave me the runaround for years. He could never marry me until he did x, y and z first. First he had to get a band together. Then he had to buy a house. Then he had to wait for the holidays to be over, etc. After 4 years I left him because he didn’t propose. My SO promised me that he would never string me along, but it seems like such a huge risk for me to wait 4 years because he could decide that I’m not the One and I’m right back to where I started, except much older.
Has anyone been through something like this? He is amazing and worth waiting for, but I will only do it if I know an engagement is coming. Have any of you ever been “engaged to be engaged”? Where you know you are going to get engaged before it happens? This is all so confusing to me! I think I just need to know that he plans on doing it, and that would give me the green light to hang around and wait.
I am not going to address this for a while, probably not until we reach the 1 year mark. I have to be sure to enjoy our wonderful relationship but it sucks to think that if we stay together through his schooling that I will be in this sucky situation inevidably.