(Closed) Sort of confused. Advice?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Honestly, I had a similar rule setup.  My rule had always been if a man hadn’t decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me in 5 years, then obviously he didn’t want to and I needed to look else where.

 

My fiance proposed NINE day’s before our 5th anniversary. Granted he never knew this rule. Does your SO know about your rule?

 

Honestly, I’m not sure if he would’ve taken this next step if I hadn’t brought it to his attention that I wasn’t going to wait around forever.  I had times of serious doubt and feelings similar to your own.  I would have an honest heart to heart. I would be sure to make sure he knows you’re not trying to pressure him into something he may not want to do yet, but you also have to think of yourself to and what you want out of life.

Post # 4
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Dating for 6 years without a proposal sounds extremely tough! I partially think you have just become used to being bf/gf and the thought of FINALLY getting married is just blah because it has been so long that maybe you felt a bit of rejection from him.

“I’m just sort of feeling like I want to be wanted.”


Do you almost feel like why now if he does propose soon?

Post # 7
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I completely understand what you mean. I think it is perfectly normal to want your man to have that kind of fire/drive/passion or whatever it is that makes them want to put a ring on your finger! It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and maybe he just isn’t on the same page right now for other reasons. Does he feel financially stable? I know my SO always said he wanted to be financially stable before pursuing marriage. As a man he felt that was important for him. 

Post # 8
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry, hon.  This sounds very tough.

 

I personally am pro-ultimatum in situations like this.  Especially since he has a right to know if you’re seriously considering leaving over this issue.  I gave an ultimatum of sorts, and don’t regret it for a second; I wish I’d done it sooner.  You’ve been around for six years, and a very important need of yours is not being met.  There’s nothing wrong with saying “I love you, but I can’t stay around past six years waiting for something I’m afraid might never happen”.  Some guys need that wakeup call.  If a guy wants to marry you, but isn’t in a rush to, he might be content leaving things as they are until he has to pop the question.  The thing about ultimatums is you’re not forcing the guy to marry you, you’re forcing him to make a decision.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll do it.  If he doesn’t, then he is setting you free.

Post # 10
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Unfortunately, he could be thinking in line with my boyfriend, that there isn’t much difference between getting married, and the state that your relationship is currently in, that is to say: he believes that nothing will change once you are engaged/married. I am not saying that this is true, but it is what my bf has voiced. If your boyfriend is thinking along the same lines, then it is time to tell him that you are ready to go ring shopping, ready to get engaged, and ready to move on to the next step in your lives.

Post # 12
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I know a couple of friends that have gone through this and none of the situations ended well. I’m of the opinion that as an adult, you know whether you have met the person that you want to marry within 2 years of dating. Do you all live together? Perhaps that could be the reason that he doesn’t feel compelled to take the next step, because for him you all are already at the next step.  I propose that if you live together, that you move out. Don’t end the relationship since you say it’s going well. Move out and shake things up a bit. He needs to be reminded that all good things come to an end.

Post # 13
Member
40 posts
Newbee

@loch_ness:  i completely get how you feel. i was at this point a little bit ago, and i completely blew up at my SO, who kept giving me all sorts of timelines. here’s what i found out: past our conversations where we would agree to get married by x, he didn’t really think about it. he kind of just thought it would HAPPEN. finally i managed to get through to him that he actually has to PLAN it, BUY the ring, and PROPOSE. HE has to do it. it’s not just going to happen. that ring won’t magically fall onto my finger. i told him that if he’s ready to propose just like he’s been telling me, he needs to start actively picking out rings and planning TOMORROW. 

otherwise, theres no timeline haha

like the other girls, i’m in favor of an ultimatum-ish. not like “if you don’t propose by x, then i’ll leave” but more like “if you say you want to get married, start actively planning now, or admit that you are not ready to get married.”

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@loch_ness:   While I love our life together I wish I would not have moved in with him before getting engaged. He gets all the perks of being married with none of the commitment.


This x1000.  Guys get complacent.  They see moving in as an end in itself.  Girls see it as a step toward marriage.

I don’t endorse “The Millionaire Matchmaker” as relationship advice typically, but Patty Stanger does have one terrific piece of advice.  Don’t move in with the guy until you have a wedding date set.  Not just engaged, but an actual set wedding date.

Post # 15
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@loch_ness:  Im coming at it from a different perspective. You say he has had for the ring for quite some time? I would say there is a reason he hasnt proposed. He may not be able to communicate it or even be fully aware, but there is something. Being together for 6 years and also having the ring without any forward movement is cruel (IMHO) and confusing.

Im also pro “ultimatum”. I really liked what abirdword:  said. “The thing about ultimatums is you’re not forcing the guy to marry you, you’re forcing him to make a decision.” I didnt give my now Fiance an ultimatum in the way people traditionally think of one, but I made it clear that I wanted a life partner and children and I wanted both of these before I turned 35. I actually said “I will not be a girlfriend indefinitely” when we were discussing living together and said I ownt live with him more than a year and a half unless we were engaged. A few months later I again made it clear that I wanted HIM to be my life partner and HIM to be the father of my children. However, I told him, these things were too important to wait around for. Either choose me or let me find someone else who wants what I want. He is also one of those guys who needs a kick in the pants sometimes; he gets too comfortable.

Added: Im 98% sure that if didnt live together while dating he would have proposed far sooner. In fact, I said that to him once and he just smiled. I think he agreed!! Jerk  😉

Post # 16
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It sounds like you guys have a great relationship.  Just enjoy it.  The next step will come when it’s time.  Too many girls on these waiting boards get wrapped up in thinking they NEED a ring right this second or else.  

You said you’re still young.  Maybe he just doesn’t feel quite ready for marriage yet?  You said your financial situation is improving.  Maybe he doesn’t feel like it’s improved enough for him to propose? I know my fiance would never have proposed to me before our finances were totally in order.

I was with my fiance for 2 weeks shy of 9 years before he proposed and I never once felt like “If he doesn’t propose by ____ I’m leaving”. 

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